Dear Margo: I think everybody who never thinks they'd write to you ends up saying they never thought they'd write to you, so I won't say that, but . . .

My parents, who are now grandparents, are loving, kind and great to the kids, but they are fairly blatant racists. They'll start their sentences with, "Well, I don't mean to sound racist, but . . ." and then go on to voice some ethnic or religious slur.

I don't want my children, the oldest now 2 and talking, to learn this behavior and these ideas. How can I either get my parents to stop or explain to a 2-year-old that their otherwise loving grandparents have some issues that they shouldn't be passing on? — Frustrated

Dear Frus: You can't effectively change the beliefs of people that age, and of course it's no accident that your grandparents on both sides passed their bigotry down to their kids — your parents.

What you can do is tell your folks that they may believe what they wish, but you are requesting that they withhold saying anything in front of your children that begins with, "I don't mean to sound racist, but . . . " Feel free to say that such thoughts are not yours, and you certainly don't want them to be passed on to your children.

Most prejudice comes as a hand-me-down, as it were; little kids just hear it from elders, and they accept it. Should something intolerant sneak through, gently work with your kids to understand that those ideas are not correct and that some people who are "older" just don't know better.

If your kids say anything about this to someone who is "older," well, so much the better! Your parents may have given you an unfortunate though effective teaching tool: the headline being that we don't make judgments about groups of people, only individuals.

Dear Margo: Last night, my mother-in-law phoned me and was completely drunk. I don't like talking to her when she is drunk, or anyone, for that matter, when they are like that.

I'll give you a quick rundown on her. She is a chain-smoking alcoholic, who, a few years ago, had a gastric bypass to lose weight. After the successful surgery and shedding over 100 pounds, she began to think she was "the bomb." She had an affair with a much younger married man with a small child and lied about it for quite some time.

My father-in-law finally figured it out, and now they are separated. My husband will barely speak to her. She and her young man ended up leaving their spouses to live with each other. (Needless to say, she and the young man are no longer together.)

My problem is this: She caused us so much needless pain that, while I am a forgiving person, I have no wish to talk to her when she gets drunk and phones me. She tells me she loves me and expects to hear it back, which I usually end up saying. But I don't love her, I tolerate her, and I have a problem telling someone I love them when really I don't. It just feels empty to me.

How should I handle this? I know that in life, you sometimes have to do things you don't want to do. — Feeling Empty in Canada

Dear Feeling: You do not have to hang on the phone with someone who's drunk. When she calls and you can tell she's been in the sauce, simply say now is not a good time to talk and get off the phone. No one should be held hostage to someone who's drunk dialing — even if it's your m-i-l.

As for the "I love you" business, I totally understand your feeling of being maneuvered into saying it back. So, in response, say something like, "Well, thank you." That is less cutting than silence . . . which would say quite a lot.

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to [email protected]. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.