Q: My son and his wife have an extremely dysfunctional relationship and struggle with addiction. Although they're working on their problems, their actions are hurting their daughter.
As a grandparent, I want to see both generations thrive but don't see how they can do it together. We're thinking about taking our granddaughter into our home for a while but don't know if it will work.
Should we do it?
A: This is a serious decision for which there may be no good answer. You should try to untangle this complicated situation before making any choices.
As grandparents, how much can and do you wish to be involved? Are you both in good health and financially stable? Do you have the will to take care of your granddaughter? Does she want to live with you? Are you considering adoption, or is this a temporary measure?
Before you make any major decision, I recommend you have serious talks with your granddaughter and her parents about all the available options. Then take up a trial period of whatever decision you make. In a complex situation like this, many choices could go badly for a variety of reasons.
Decide on a specific time frame for this trial period — like the school year, the summer or the calendar year. You need to have a plan and be willing to adjust as necessary. Having been through some of these issues myself, I've found that sometimes the facts I initially heard weren't entirely true. High emotions tend to distort reality.
Whatever your choice is, don't make it into a guilt trip. You raised your son, and you're trying to give everyone your best shot. You've paid your dues, and you may have issues of your own.
Whatever happens, make sure your granddaughter knows she is loved! Be there for her emotionally. — Doug
STAYING AFLOAT
Q: My husband had a stroke a few months ago. We've been struggling through it, but I'm so grateful that he came out of it OK. To bring in an income, I started working again after a long hiatus.
Going back to work hasn't been an easy transition, as I stopped working after having kids and never went back. Now I'm working in a department store.
The added responsibility feels like the straw that broke the camel's back. I don't see how I can do it all. I come home exhausted every day. I'm worried that I can't keep up with everything.
How can I make it work?
A: Major life changes tend to feel overwhelming, especially when they're unexpected. And right now, you're working through two of them.
The first thing you should do is be patient with yourself. Stop with negative self-talk about how you're not good enough. Instead, remember that adjusting to change takes time and happens naturally. You can get through this.
Addressing a whole slew of changes all at once can be daunting, so pick apart the issues with which you're struggling. Pick one element that you think is causing you the most stress. Reason it through. Why is this particular thing causing you so much stress? What is one way that you can address the root of your problem?
Don't be overambitious. Your solution can (and maybe should!) be small so that you can implement it on a daily basis. Making a few small choices should help you feel more in control.
Once your life feels a little more manageable, choose another big problem you're facing and break it down. Then repeat. This strategy can be used to deal with all kinds of problems.
For example, you might feel like you're responsible for too many tasks during the day and you can't keep up. Don't beat yourself up and give up. Instead, figure out what responsibilities aren't as essential and try to delegate. Saying no is a powerful tool that many people hesitate to use.
Most importantly, stay positive. Negativity usually makes a bad situation worse. You can do it! — Emma, Doug's granddaughter
Doug Mayberry makes the most of life in a Southern California retirement community. Contact him at [email protected]. Emma, Doug's granddaughter, helps write this column. To find out more about Doug Mayberry and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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