Q: As manager, I hired a guy who had no skills other than he seemed to be honest and would be a hard worker in the warehouse. He turned out to be both, but I had to explain everything to him to get it done right. As he became more comfortable in the job and with talking to me, I began to notice him slacking off. He got me into conversations that pulled on my heartstrings, drawing sympathy around his background and life. I started doing favors for him, paying for things outside of his salary, based on feeling sorry for him. He hooked me in and used me financially, even to the point of getting me to pay for a vacation for him.

He had a way of making me feel I should do extra things because I led a more privileged life than he did. The more I gave, the worse of a worker he became. He became lazy, which led to me having to tell him things over and over, only for these tasks not to get done. I then had a hard time reprimanding him because of the numerous favors I have done for him, and when I sat him down and told him how things must change, he got better for a short time and returned to using me. In short, he mastered manipulating me without me being aware of the process.

I then hired an employee to be the head of the warehouse, and he was to report directly to her. She was fair, but strict. She did not dole out favors to anyone and when she delivered orders to the workers, they jumped. This change made me aware that being overly nice was not the path to getting the best out of employees.

He shaped up and is now the employee I wanted but could not get him to be. When he slacked off or played the "poor-me" card, she laid down the law, snapping him back in place. He quickly learned he could not get the favors he once received. I, in turn, learned what it takes to be a leader the hard way.

Bosses at all levels must learn that favoritism has no place in the workplace; it doesn't work when running a department or a company. It's detrimental to production, to the employees who are not favored, and establishes an environment of inequality. I didn't think I was buying him; I thought I was helping. It took me a long time to face the disharmony I created for other employees.

I now see why employees must be treated equally and judged accordingly to the job they do. I like helping people, but going over and above just for the sake of helping is inappropriate. I even wonder how many employees left because they knew about me favoring him, even though I told him never to say a word to anyone. It doesn't feel good to know I was taken advantage of.

A: It sounds like you have more than just a soft spot; you may suffer from guilt of having more than others, or perhaps more than you think you deserve. Bosses must treat and lead their subordinates equally; favoring certain persons can create jealousy and poison the environment with gossip, discontentment, anger, and high turnover.

If you feel guilty about your success in becoming the leader of the group, or feel sorry for those who are still workers, that sympathy will come through no matter how you try to hide it, even before you play favorites. You can, however, lead employees if you empathize with them. Empathy can help you motivate employees to be successful, which will help them advance in their jobs or in the industry.

Clearly, your favored employee saw you as a "sap." Once such a person zeros in on that characteristic, he or she will use you for as long as you fall for it. You are lucky to have hired a middle manager that ended his game.

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