WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — In a moving White House ceremony today, President Hu Jintao of China presented U.S. President Barack Obama with a counterfeit DVD of the Hollywood blockbuster "Toy Story 3."

Hu raised eyebrows at several points during his official speech, especially when he repeatedly addressed the American people as "my subjects." But the Chinese president ended his speech on an upbeat note about the relationship between the two countries: "In conclusion, America owes me the first month's rent and the security deposit."

Speaking to the press, Hu noted the historic nature of his meeting with Obama: "It was the first time I'd met a Nobel Peace Prize winner who wasn't in prison." Obama told reporters that he hoped to speak to Hu about China's human rights record, but said, "To be honest, we've got as much leverage with China as a guy who's three months late on his car payments has with the repo man."

Meanwhile, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg took advantage of Hu being out of the country to friend 1.3 billion Chinese.

In New Era of Civility, GOP Says Obama Born "Near America"

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — Ushering in what it is calling "a new era of civility in American political discourse," the Republican leadership in Congress said today that from now on it would acknowledge that President Barack Obama was born "near America."

"It is no longer acceptable for members of our party to say that the president of the United States was born in Kenya," wrote Speaker of the House John Boehner, R-Ohio, in a memo sent to all GOP House members entitled: The Official Republican Niceness Pledge. "From now on, we will say that he was born nearish America, and perhaps even as close as Cuba."

The Boehner memo said that the party would have "zero tolerance" for Republicans who say that Obama "pals around with terrorists," instructing members to say instead that Obama "friends terrorists on Facebook." The memo also instructed House members never to call Obama a "socialist," and instead to use the less politically polarizing term, "sociopath."

Boehner also warned GOP members of Congress to stop referring to Obama's health care reform bill as "The Job-Killing Health Care Reform Act," advising them, "There are many perfectly good synonyms for 'killing,' such as 'strangling,' 'terminating,' 'annihilating' and 'eviscerating.'"

In closing, Boehner wrote, "You owe it to your families and constituents back home to conduct yourselves in a civil manner, just as President Obama owes it to his relatives and comrades back in Havana."

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book "The Republican Playbook." To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.