Simon Says

SIMON SAYS: You haven't lived until you've seen the World Hot Dog Eating Contest in high-def.

Never praise one woman's perfume to another.

If you stick to Coach for wallets, Brooks Brothers for shirts, Rockport for shoes and Maytag for blue cheese, you can't go too far wrong.

I'll bet you have at least one gift certificate sitting in a drawer someplace that is at least five years old.

Restaurant desserts have just gotten too weird. Creme Brulee with rutabaga emulsion? C'mon.

No matter what the airport video monitors say, you are never confident you are waiting at the right luggage carousel until you see a person from the same flight standing there with you.

People who file their nails in public should be beaten with sticks.

You never forget not getting a thank you note for a wedding gift.

How come the people at Happy Hour rarely are?

Based on my survey of actually (though unwillingly) overhead cell phone calls, people say goodbye about nine times before they actually get off the phone.

You don't want to marry anyone who uses shoetrees.

Is it possible to clone a Chia Pet?

Where did the expression "laundry list" come from? Who needs a list for their laundry?

Unless you actually play rugby, it is no longer permissible to wear a rugby shirt.

Don't be embarrassed, just admit it: Electric knives are really quite effective.

It's a fact: Nobody really knows what's in a Shepherd's Pie.

There is nothing more thirst-quenching than water from a hose.

You are pretty darn old if you can remember when movies had ushers.

(And why were they ever necessary? We never shut up when the ushers told us to.)

Does anybody know what it means when you break a shoelace in a dream? I am very worried about this.

When is the last time you got an actual busy signal?

If one more person stops me on the street and asks me if I am Jude Law, I think I will scream.

I don't think anyone outside Australia really knows how to throw a boomerang.

Beer taste better in a green bottle. Don't ask me why. It just does.

Hey, face facts: It is geeky to walk around an airport carrying your pillow. (Unless you are 10 or younger.)

To find out more about Roger Simon, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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