Gringos and Amigos Hit Road to Riches

The amigos gathered at the Alamo's electric meter, which was spinning, spinning, spinning.

The power bill had arrived. The boys took it as a threat to the Alamo homeland security. They stormed from the barracks, bent on vengeance.

They cast a Spanish spell — an intoxicating potion of beer and accordion music, in a haze of cigarette smoke. They flogged the meter with The Wall Street Journal, normally used to swat flies.

Gringo Dick, power bill in one hand, brew in the other, glared at the meter, his head going round and round. He swooned — ducks squawking — another casualty of global warming.

I had made the mistake of reading the day's economic news and spent the evening oiling rifles, weighing bullion and plotting an escape route on a map.

On the TV, Greece was ablaze. Did man cause this warming of the Mediterranean? Television got to the bottom of it with a gaggle of climate experts, retired military colonels. The consensus was in — global warming causes arson.

Hope arrived via e-mail. I verified its truth, rounded up the boys and read "A Tale of Two Houses."

House No. 1: A mansion with eight bathrooms, pool and guest house, heated by natural gas. In a month this house consumes more energy that the average American house in a year. Monthly electric and gas bills exceed $2,400. In natural gas alone, it consumes 20 times the national average, and it's in the South.

House No. 2: Loaded with "green" features, it has four bedrooms and 4,000 square feet. A geothermal system pumps water from pipes 300 feet in the ground. At 67 degrees, the water cools the house in summer and heats it in winter. It uses no fossil fuels and operates at less than half the cost of conventional systems. Rainwater from the roof goes to a cistern, as does purified wastewater from toilets, sinks and showers.

The cistern irrigates native vegetation around the house, which is on a prairie in the Southwest.

House No. 1 belongs to Al Gore, environmental showman. House No. 2 belongs to George Bush, environmental practitioner.

The boys seemed puzzled. Then Dick lit up, "Let's get one of those geo-things."

Jose grinned. "No, Senor Dick. President got troubles. Nothin' but troubles. Al Gore rich man. Big movie star."

Jose gets a gold star.

Gore had a net worth of less than $2 million when he lost the election to Bush. Seven years later, he has a net worth of perhaps $100 million. He hooked up with Google and Apple and scored stock options of about $36 million.

His movie "An Inconvenient Truth" grossed more than $50 million.

He started a cable company and an asset management outfit. Both make money.

I said, "That's right, boys. Big Al has it down. Forget the green. Let's go for the gold. We need a pool."

The only snag I saw was a new survey at the Heartland Institute. It shot down an old survey, the one environmental cultists cite when claiming a "consensus" that man causes global warming.

The new report used the same database of research papers as the old. Same search words, too.

The latest research, using newer and more complete data, shows no consensus. Of the 528 papers surveyed, 48 percent are neutral on consensus, and another 6 percent reject it.

This report must be buried.

It could torpedo Al Gore's $175,000 speaking fees. It might scuttle Democrat schemes to save the world by funneling money to favored corporations and boondoggles.

Most of all, it would dash the dance troupe and stage show the amigos and I are assembling to hit the global warming circuit.

Truth? Who cares? This is showbiz, baby.

Phil Lucas is executive editor of The News Herald in Panama City, Fla. Contact him at plucas@pcnh.com. To find out more about Lucas and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2007 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.