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Marc Dion
Marc Dion
15 Sep 2014
A Small Band of Brothers

We lost the war in Vietnam. To counter that, in the decades following that war, we made two kinds of war movies. … Read More.

8 Sep 2014
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I've worked seven of the last eight days, three of them night shifts, and, while I am "grateful just to have … Read More.

1 Sep 2014
Accidental Death Is Better

My father, who had some oddly streetwise ways of dispensing comfort, would sometimes look at me when I'd done … Read More.

Freak Job Patriots


Here's a message for people who collect guns: Collect something else.

I collect pipes. I've got 103 of them, and I smoke them all. My wife collects teacups. You can kill someone with either a pipe or a teacup but it takes a lot of work, and you invariably break your collectible pipe/teacup in the process.

And before you start writing your intense, patriotic hate letter, let me point out that I used to hunt, I've owned guns and I was a reasonably good shot.

Why should you collect something besides guns?

Because, frankly, it makes you look like a freak job. You live in a suburb that's so peaceful you can't rustle up a fight in the bar down at the Applebee's and you, ya camo-wearing nut, you got six pistols, three shotguns, four rifles and two machine guns.

And you won't shut up about it, either.

I'm walking down the street with you and I see a bird on a telephone pole, maybe two blocks down.

"Is that a crow?" I ask.

"I don't know," you say, going all squinty-eyed. "I'll tell you one thing though, if I had my AR-15, I could blow it to hell, and you could get a real good look."

Freak job.

And, Jesus, would you stop defending our ownership of 19 guns with a copy of the Constitution.

The other day, a heavily armed acquaintance told me he never goes anywhere without his pocket-sized copy of the Constitution so he can, "beat the liberals with facts."

Let me tell you something, if you carry a copy of the same book with you every day, and it's the only book you read, and you quote it to people so you can beat them in arguments, you're a freak job.

I don't care if that book is he Holy Bible, the Quran, the Constitution, an auto parts catalogue or the poetry of Maya Angelou.

And it's not like I don't want you to read. Hell, no. I want you to read. I want you to read three or four books, a dozen, several hundred books. Can you tell I collect books, too?

And don't go on about how you're fully skilled in the art of killing people because you took a class in handgun self-defense.

I've been a reporter for 31 years and I can tell you for free that it takes zero skill to kill someone with a gun. In my years as a reporter, most of the gun killing I've seen has been done by people who were drunk/high/stupid/deranged or shaking all over from withdrawal. Do guns kill people? Argue all you want but one thing is certain, untrained idiots who have never taken a class in their lives kill people with guns and they do a damn fine job of it, too.

Look, I don't want to take away your guns. What I want you to do is not buy 47 guns. And please, stop thinking that gun ownership is patriotism. You can't buy love of country. You can buy a gun. And nothing you buy with money is ever as good as what you grow in your heart.

To find out more about Marc Munroe Dion and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit Dion's book of Pulitzer Prize-nominated column, "Between Wealth and Welfare: A Liberal Curmudgeon in America," is available for Nook and Kindle.



3 Comments | Post Comment
That's nice, paint a caricature and then comment on the exaggerated features. I admit that there are a few idiots walking around with shotguns to grab attention and headlines, but most folks just keep to themselves. I have never met anyone like those described on this page. It is another case of liberals not listening to the arguments presented by conservatives. (don't listen to the republican party, no one does or should)

Freak jobs? You got plenty on the left; squatting, peeing, raping, disorderly, pushy, shovey, lazy, over impassioned OWS freaks. (how's that for caricature?) They're gone now, but don't forget how the left lauded them, praised them, and didn't help clean up after them. Freaks jobs.

Freaks who would ban words like "bossy", or phrases such as "throws like a girl". Freak jobs of the left.

Freak jobs who look at the history of the 20th century and decide Socialism is worth another try. Freak jobs who have decided that Israel is the problem, possibly inhabited by people evil, vile , the devil. We got one of those freaks on these pages, he loves you, belongs to you. Freak job.

You got freak jobs who jump in with two mouths if an accident happens at a gun range but insist that 700,000 abortions in a half year is a good thing for American society and reproductive rights. Safe, legal, constant. Freak jobs.

We got freak jobs telling us the the Islamic State is not Islamist. Freak jobs.

We got freak jobs controlling (?) a senate that never passes a budget anymore, but spends time blasting private citizens and dreaming up ways to change the first amendment. Freak jobs.

Look, don't lie, you do want to take people's guns. Guns pose a threat to tyranny and if there is one thing the left is freakin' all for it is tyranny. Don't drink this, don't eat that. Don't say this, don't do that. Don't believe this, believe what you are told to believe. Your health care policy? Garbage, buy what we tell you to buy. Chicago is perfectly safe, you don't need to defend yourself. WE'LL DO IT. Lying freak jobs.

Free speech zones on most university campi? Freak jobs shutting up people and behaving righteous about it. Freak jobs.

You'll take away the right to free speech, you sure as hell will take away guns. Don't lie about it, you sound like some freak job.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Tom
Fri Sep 19, 2014 10:46 AM
Comment: #2
Posted by: Tom
Fri Sep 19, 2014 12:24 PM
Real, not fake, freak jobs from the left:

Nidal Hasan, Fort Hood shooter, registered democrat

Aaron Alexis, Navy yard shooter, voted for Obama

Seung Hui Cho, Virginia Tech shooter, registered democrat

James Holmes, Colorado Dark Knight shooter, registered democrat

Amy Bishop, Alabama killer, Obama supporter

Andrew Stack, flew plane into IRS building, leftist democrat

Jared Loughner, Tucson shooter, leftist, Marxist

Bill Ayers, weather underground bomber, leftist democrat

Lee Oswald, you know, democrat

Real killers are much scarier than imagined caricatures. It occurs to me that maybe the only gun laws we need would keep instrument of killing out of the hands of leftist democrats. Too many real freak jobs over there.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Tom
Fri Sep 19, 2014 12:49 PM
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