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Marc Dion
Marc Dion
19 Jan 2015
Punching Charlie in the Mouth

Here's the Charlie Hebdo controversy as it played out when I was in high school. Monday: Kid says to other kid,… Read More.

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In what will soon be the bane of the writers' (and the readers') existence, The New York Times has published … Read More.

5 Jan 2015
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When I was a kid, my family was filled with French-Canadian immigrants who spoke only French or a mix of … Read More.

The Deflated Football Conspiracy

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By now, the world (or that portion of it not reading the Quran and watching soccer) knows that there was some jiggery-poker with the feetballs used in the New England Patriots/Indianapolis Colts game, this year's game of the century. The feetballs, it seems, were under-aerialized in a historic manner. This caused historic debate among fans whose histrionics are the stuff of history.

And, of course, it was a conspiracy.

Those of you enmeshed in the historic controversy probably failed to notice the historic State of the Union Address delivered by historically African-American President Barack Obama.

That was the plan.

There was (and I know; I brought the carrot sticks) a historic meeting of limp-wristed, welfare-loving, book-reading lefty traitors and we (with the assistance of rogue black people and Jews) arranged to have the balls deflated just before the game.

This created a controversy fiendishly timed to keep you from really absorbing the full socialist thrust of Obama's Sharia-infused, Afrocentric, traitorous speech.

I'd like to pause here for a moment to thank the rogue black people and the Jews. Without the rogue blacks' hatred of America (even the ones who are veterans) and the Jews' total control of the media, the colleges, the movies and the banks, we never could have done it.

And that isn't all we did to speed the communist/black/vegetarian/feminist/anti-gun/Jewish/gay/no-prayer-in-schools revolution.

Our Jew friends made it possible for that movie "American Sniper" to be made because we knew the violence in it would make patriotic Americans sick of war.

OK, so that one backfired.

Turns out patriotic Americans responded to that movie the way really stupid guys respond to strippers. Who knew?

But we've got more plans.

Let's say a major midget stock car racing scandal breaks out just before Obama has Muhammad's picture put on the dollar bill? Who's gonna notice the new money?

And, on the day the Supreme Court makes gay marriage mandatory in Alabama there will be a HUGE pro wrestling scandal. Turns out it's been fake for all these years. We're giving that story to The New York Times. They'll print anything we tell 'em to print.

Oh, yeah. We got agents everywhere.

Until we came up with this sports idea, our agents were doing other things, like cutting taxes for the rich so you'd get mad about that and not notice how we stopped your fifth graders from having a live nativity scene in the lunchroom.

OK, so that one backfired, too. You noticed the whole nativity scene thing and didn't care if rich people got all the tax cuts. The right-wingers caught us on that one. No matter how poor you got, the right-wing talk show hosts reminded you that gay marriage and nativity scenes are more important than decent health care and a living wage. We misjudged your patriotic willingness to stay poor for Jesus.

We won't make that mistake again. We got this sport thing worked out now.

When spring training starts, you'll find out that every member of the Chicago Cubs has been playing with an Iraqi flag T-shirt under his jersey.

That's the day we'll come for your guns.

To find out more about Marc Munroe Dion and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com. Dion's book of Pulitzer Prize-nominated columns, "Between Wealth and Welfare: A Liberal Curmudgeon in America" is available for Nook and Kindle.

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