The Year in Carols

Sing 'em and weep!

 

 

THE SECRETARY OF STATE GIRL (to "The Little Drummer Boy")

 

Come, they told me, pa rum pum pum pum

The prez-elect to see, pa rum pum pum pum.

He ran a perfect race, pa rum pum pum pum.

That's how he got my place, grrrrrrrump-pa-pum pum, beat like a drum, feel like a crumb.

But to honor him, pa rum pum pum pum

Here I come.

 

Barack — yoo-hoo! — pa rum pum pum pum

I somehow lost to you, pa rum pum pum pum.

I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

But if your phone should ring, a-ding-a-ling-dum at 3 a. um, I'll up and come.

Shall I work for you, pa rum pum pum pum

Or just stay glum?

 

Barack nodded, pa rum pum pum pum.

Michelle and Rahm kept time, pa rum pum pum pum.

I'll do my best for you, pa rum pum pum pum.

I'll keep Bill dressed for you! Pa rum pum pum pum, he'll abstain from … anything dumb.

Then he smiled at me and gave me my plum.

Now he's my chum.

 

 

CHRISTMAS IN ILLINOIS (to "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas")

 

Buy yourself a Senate seat for Christmas.

Line forms to the right.

I'll be taking bids for it all through the night.

 

Why not buy a Senate seat for Christmas?

Be an effin' elf.

Hurry up, or I may take the seat myself!

 

Once again here in Illinois,

We are good old boys for sure.

Stealing things that are near to us

And insisting that we're pure.

 

Who's that fella standing on my doorstep?

Hope his check's a wow.

Hey, what's with the handcuffs? Don't you dare touch — ow!

So much for my merry little Christmas now.

 

 

THE RECESSION SONG (to "It's Beginning To Look a Lot Like Christmas")

 

It's beginning to look a lot like Doomsday

Everywhere you go.

Take a look in at Citibank,

As sad as a moldy frank.

Without a handout, it to hell would go.

 

It's beginning to look a lot like Doomsday.

Bailouts by the score.

But the saddest of sights to see

Is the sight of Detroit's Big Three

At the almshouse door.

 

A pair of hopalong boots and a whole lotta loot

Is the wish of a squished GM.

Cars that can fly and we'd actually buy

Is the hope of the other men.

And Mom and Dad can hardly wait to own a home again.

 

It's beginning to look a lot Doomsday

Everywhere you go.

Circuit City went to the chair,

So did Lehman and Levitz and Bear.

So much for each one's brilliant CEO.

 

It's beginning to look a lot like Doomsday.

Gone prosperity!

But look on the side that's bright:

If you're cold after Christmas night,

You can burn the tree.

 

 

REGULAR JOE THE PLUMBER (to "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer")

 

Regular Joe the Plumber

Had a giant pail of woes.

He didn't have a license.

Didn't pay the tax he owes.

 

All of the other plumbers

Used to get more work than he.

Regular Joe the Plumber

Longed to join the bourgeoisie.

 

Then one wacky campaign night,

John M.

came to say:

Joseph, you're so middle-class;

Won't you come and save my … election hopes.

 

Then all the talk shows loved him,

As they shouted out with glee.

Regular Joe's a footnote

In our country's history!

He's a blip in his-tor-y!

 

 

AWAY IN A HOTEL (to "Greensleeves")

 

"Whose child is this?" John Edwards asks

As he in unwanted spotlight basks.

He's not the prez; he's not the veep;

He is just a philandering, two-timing creep.

 

This, this ex-candidate

Who seemed so bright and seemed to care.

He's left with a wrathful mate

And a lot of expensive, if good-looking, hair.

 

 

A-ROD'S CABALA HOLIDAY (to "I Have a Little Dreidel")

 

I have a little dreidel.

I don't know how to play.

I tried to ask Madonna.

She said, "Shut up and pray."

 

Oh, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

I don't know what to do.

I traded good ol' Santa

For chocolate coins and you.

 

 

WORDS FROM SANTA TO HANNAH MONTANA (to "Oh Christmas Tree")

 

Oh Miley C., oh Miley C.

How are thy photos tarty.

You took those pix

With Leibovitz,

Who told you they'd be "arty."

 

She had you wear a smile and flirt.

Too bad she skipped a bra and shirt.

Oh Miley C., be not Britney!

Please wear your pants to party.

 

 

FELIZ BRANGELINA (to "Feliz Navidad")

 

Angelina had

Angelina had

Angelina had another baby or two with Brad.

I wanna wish them a lot more kiddies

That they have in a lot more cities,

Cities filling with itty-bitty

Brangelina spawn.

 

 

Lenore Skenazy is co-author of "The Dysfunctional Family Christmas Songbook." For more of Skenazy's carols, go to Reader's Digest's Web site (www.rd.com).

Lenore Skenazy is a columnist at Advertising Age. She is the founder of FreeRangeKids.com. To find out more about Lenore Skenazy (lskenazy@yahoo.com) and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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