Q. I've been divorced for five years and have a 10-year-old son. My ex-husband sleeps with my son, and I feel this is unhealthy. My son is afraid to sleep in his bedroom in the basement, but I believe that could be solved. The real problem is that his father wants to sleep with him, although no sexual abuse is involved. My ex feels he doesn't see his son enough. When he brings our son back from their weekend together, he always mentions that his weekends are too short and says he wants more time with him. He's talked to our son about taking him to school on Monday mornings rather than returning him on Sunday evenings.

A. Yes, a 10-year-old is certainly capable of sleeping alone, but you'll probably have difficulty changing that habit. You point out that your ex is searching for a way to keep his son with him longer and is thus likely to want to please your son in every way. It's great that his dad loves him, and it's important for you to support their loving relationship. Whether you want to expand the time your son spends with his father can either be between you and your ex, or between you and the courts. There's no likely way you could prove harm from them sleeping together since there's no clear-cut research that shows harm.

You'll need to do some soul searching and decide how literal you want to be in interpretation of the custody agreement, but it's a good idea to choose only the most important issues to debate. Parents who can manage to get along after a divorce provide a more secure life for their children, so although you and your ex may differ about co-sleeping, I doubt that you'll want to bring that to court.

For free newsletters about helping children cope with divorce or about children with fears and fearful children, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or read “Helping Your Children Cope With Divorce” at www.sylviarimm.com.

Older Child Gets More Allowance

Q. My husband and I want to start giving our 9 and 7-year-old children an allowance to help them learn to manage money. How should we do this? My husband thinks that they should get the same amount, but I disagree. The 9-year-old has more household responsibilities because he's older, so I feel he should get more money. Also, how do you determine how much to give?

A. In general, I suggest that older children receive more allowance as well as more responsibilities. Because your children aren't far apart in age, there doesn't have to be a great difference in either. The size of the allowance should depend on how you'd like your children to manage their money. I typically suggest that they divide an allowance into spending, saving and giving to others. Also, if you expect them to use their allowance toward their lunch money, you would have to allow more. You and your husband should think about the parameters you'd like to use before you decide on the amount. At your children's ages, they don't need too much spending money, but they can learn to save for special purchases for themselves or gifts for family members and it does teach them to appreciate and value money. You can add some extra chores for which they can earn additional money should they be saving for a special gift, and you can increase responsibilities and raise their allowance at each birthday to acknowledge their maturity.

For a free newsletter about teaching your children how to value and handle money, send a large, self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094, or go to www.sylviarimm.com for more parenting information.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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