Q. I'm a 24-year-old single parent of three boys — ages 6 and 3, and one 11 months old. My concern is related to the three-year relationship with the man who is the father of my youngest son. He has a 5-year-old son from a previous relationship. When we were together he treated my kids as if they were his own, but his son from a previous relationship, who lives with his grandmother (his mother's mother), would come over to my house on weekends. I didn't treat his son like he did my kids, because he only came over on weekends. It began a conflict between us, and he told me that I was being unfair and that I needed to change my ways. Unfortunately, I ignored his concerns and he left, and now he no longer does anything with my boys. When he comes to get the son we had together he has his other son with him, and all my boys want to go with them.

It's hard for me, because I'm used to my friend helping me out with the boys. Since he's been gone, I don't have any support from their fathers or anyone else. Please tell me what to do.

A. A single mom with three sons has plenty of challenges, but I don't think you can expect your friend to father all three of your children if he's only the biological dad to one of them. On the other hand, you do have something to contribute, because his son also needs mothering. If he still wants you to find time for his other son, you may be able to negotiate some tradeoffs. Even if you're not in a relationship anymore, you could offer to trade friendly parenting, a nice meal or a family excursion.

You could also offer to exchange babysitting for each other once a week, and perhaps your former friend would still be willing to help you in that way.

You may also have some female friends who could provide support in exchange for you helping them out. Perhaps you could do their grocery shopping in exchange for them keeping one of the boys for a few hours. If your own parents live nearby, they may be willing to help a little. A grandfather can be very supportive in a family without a dad, and grandmothers are almost always able to pitch in a little, as long as you appreciate their help.

You don't have an easy road ahead, and you'll need to be strong and optimistic to accomplish all your responsibilities. You're not alone in raising your children, so searching out others who are also struggling can often lead to the support you need.

For a free newsletter about the changing family, send a large, self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or go to www.sylviarimm.com for more parenting information.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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