Q. My daughter is a year old, and my 5-year-old son seems to harbor jealous feelings. He's all over me anytime I want to do something with his sister. He also has no concept of personal space, almost to the point of endangering his sister. He's very intelligent but is defiant toward his kindergarten teacher. I'm at my wits' end with how to deal with his jealousy and defiance.

A. Your son was the center of your attention for four years, and perhaps even the center of attention for his grandparents or other adults. He may have felt and acted like a little king and a very happy boy. Most little kings don't welcome being dethroned by a sister. Undoubtedly, he's feeling rejected and unloved, relative to how he felt before — so of course he feels angry.

First, be sure to give him some one-to-one time and attention each day — even 10 special minutes without his sister will help. Plan a special Mommy-and-me date once a week, and as well a special Daddy-and-me date, if that can be managed. When you talk about your son to others, mention that he's the big boy and a helper, and if you can catch him being kind to his little sister, talk about that as well. Don't discuss his defiance within his hearing, but promptly time him out, without talk, if he hits his sister, is mean to her, or defies you. Ten minutes alone in his room with no attention will be effective.

Jealously is very normal for first children. Every child would like to be first in their parents' hearts. Gradually, as he matures and learns to be kind to his sister, he'll find a few advantages in having her. You'll have to work hard on emphasizing his positive qualities or his negativity will increase. Remember, he's listening to all your talk about jealousy, so try not to talk about it within his hearing.

For free newsletters about dethroning or about sibling rivalry, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or read "Tips for Reducing Sibling Rivalry" at www.sylviarimm.com.

Toddler Needs Teacher Help

Q. My 2½-year-old boy goes to day care every day and has just begun to talk in complete sentences. Lately, he's been complaining to me about classmates taking things from him. For example, "Tom took my chocolate," and "Harry took my truck." I don't know how to respond to him. I want him to respond in a healthy way when this type of thing happens. I want him to be able to stick up for himself around others, but I don't want him to hit others, and I don't want him to be perceived as a tattletale if he tells his teachers. What, exactly, do you suggest I tell him?

A. While your toddler may be ready to learn assertiveness, there will also be times he'll need and should get help from his teacher. Your first step in knowing how to respond to your son is to ask his teacher to describe her observations. It may be that your son should learn to share his toys. In that case, you can explain how he can take turns with his classmates. If indeed he's not defending himself appropriately, he should learn to make responses like, "Don't take that from me," "Give that back," or "If you don't give that back, I'll tell the teacher." Toddlers don't worry too much about tattling yet. They seem to understand that they still need adult help at least some of the time.

For a free newsletter about raising preschoolers, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or read "Raising Preschoolers" at www.sylviarimm.com.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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