DEAR SUSAN: Over the last few years, I've stopped my youthful adventuring and decided to search for a wife and start a family. My difficulty is that I seem to meet only two types of women: career professionals who don't want kids or permanent commitments and young women with children from previous relationships.

Am I looking in the wrong places for the woman I want, or am I overlooking her in places I've already searched (at the office and through friends)? So far I haven't found anyone who attracts me at my usual meeting places (partially due to the nearly complete lack of women at those functions). Where else can I find women willing to start a long-term relationship? — Jon M., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR JON: Rule No. 1 of the "meet market": Show up at places where women like to go (ahem). You yourself know it, but it bears repeating. And if you're as determined to find your mate as you say, make it part of your mantra. That point well taken, back to your Holy Grail — a family-oriented woman. She's out there, you know, waiting to be discovered and silently dreaming your dream. And that's a clue, Jon; follow her path by following your own. It's the unorthodox way to make your dream come true, but that's its secret! While you take a jazz class, she could also be in the seminar. How about a golf class, a cooking class, an evening art history lecture at the local museum? It's a wide, wide world, and your greatest adventure is just starting. Use this quest to browse life's smorgasbord — events, classes and trips you've been wanting to sample but have disqualified because Job No. 1 is finding your mate. Hey, this phase could turn out to be even more exciting than your early days because you're more of a person. You know more and can give more, so it makes great sense to make the most of the present moment. Yes, you want a wife and a family. That's lovely. But how about making that a sidebar? Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't the best adventure always come about when you're pursuing something entirely different? Go to it.

QUESTION FOR YOU. This is a tickler. It gets to the heart of your soul. But your response need never see the light of day because it's between you and you. And if, as I hope, the issue prompts a letter from you, it may very well be enshrined in newsprint in this column.

If it is, your name and locale will be altered (as usual) to honor your right to privacy. After a long lead-in, here's the question:

As a single person, how do you feel about sex outside of marriage? Outside of caring?

DEAR SUSAN: I've been reflecting on your efforts to get women to abandon the passive position with regard to instigating relationships. With me, it's a matter of power. The passive position can be expressed differently, "My way or the highway." That's what it amounts to — in my experience. The power of the passive position is that it decides where, when and whether the action takes place. For me — and I suspect for many other men — the reward of making all the moves is that we are held responsible for them and roundly criticized for having made them incorrectly. But being picked at and mocked for not meeting some ideal (that is surely as unrealistic and stereotypical as "Barbie") isn't for me. I don't want my life to be an endless sales pitch.

If I hold out for a woman who's willing to make at least a few moves, I'll know that I'm her kind of "Ken" … and that she's willing to sacrifice the power of the passive position. Meaning, one hopes, that she likes, desires and trusts me. Eh? God bless. — BubOut, Santa Rosa, Calif.

DEAR BUBOUT: All your aliases don't fool me. And whichever you choose to sign your letter with on a particular date, they are always worth my time (and sometimes, double time!). Yes, we just passed another Sadie Hawkins Day, the bane of every woman who sits passively in the waiting room of life, sitting still like her mother taught her to do and learning close to zero about life and men. They refuse to believe me when I urge them to leave their passivity and stride toward their goals. (From memory lane: In my early 20s, I wanted to move out and take an apartment with my best friend, Joanie. The resistance was fierce; I was told "no nice boy" would marry me if I didn't live at home with my parents. It was a drawn-out battle, but in the end my viscera prevailed. And parental concerns were proved untrue. Whew.)

But yes, BubOut, those seemingly small choices add up to a life. Do hold out for a woman with the guts to show her feelings to the man of her choice, and take a bit of risk in other areas of the dating dance. Passivity is well-explored in psychology, the passive-aggressive personality with much underlying anger. I'll keep doing my part to spur women on to make the moves — and you keep writing those interesting missives.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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