DEAR SUSAN: I met a girl at a party two weeks ago, and we exchanged phone numbers. I called on Monday of this week, asking for a weekend date. She said she was too busy to talk and too busy for a date. I wanted to talk to her about other days, but she gave me the brushoff. Should I have called the first week after we met? Should I try again next week? — Mick J., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR MICK: Call again at your own peril. She isn't interested, and dogging her will only get you barked at. Trust me, women know what to do when they have absolutely no yen for a pursuer. And as hurtful as it may be today, her turndown can turn out to have its good points. Look at it this way: She's saved you a lot of time and useless phone calls. And in the process — if you're listening — made it clear that NO comes in different degrees, and that it isn't always a big deal. This NO, for instance, is only a refusal and nothing more. You're only a vague face to her; she doesn't know the real you. And so her NO is nothing more than a refusal, not at all a rejection. The truth is, she may not like your hair color or men as tall as you, or the way you seemed too eager asking her phone number. (And don't ask why she gave it when she knew you weren't her type. It could be as superficial a reason as wanting to smooth over the moment or keeping her options open. Men do the same thing, for much the same reasons.) To walk away from this experience a tad sadder but very much wiser, Mick, tell yourself there's a lot to be learned from refusal, and a chance meeting like this is not rejection but simply refusal of an invitation. (I can still hear the groans from my seminar students when they first heard that, but they've come to appreciate its truth. And solace.) And so my best answer to your questioning has got to be No, No and (for emphasis) No. In dating, a brushoff is final.

LADIES, MAKE THE MOVE!! Yes, this is Leap Year. And there's only one thing to do: LEAP for what you want.

(Do take a good look before you do, but don't let those butterflies in your stomach stop you. They are a sure sign you're moving out of your comfort zone, a milestone on your journey.) Talk to your best friend — you — and soothe the fears so intent on keeping you in status quo. This is a good time to BE BOLD and make an outreach for that job or person or project you've been shying away from. Every day is Sadie Hawkins Day. You better believe it! And making the first move in romance isn't the only cool way to grow into more of yourself. Think about that.

DEAR SUSAN: I ended a 10-year relationship, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. However, I realized that breaking up him didn't have to mean severing ties with his family. So I rekindled those friendships cautiously.

His parents are very supportive and never bring up his name in our talks unless he stops by the house, and then I do acknowledge him — but only as a relative of them. This may not be healthy but it's the best alternative so far, and besides, his mother is like my second mother. — Jemma F., Tucson, Ariz.

DEAR JEMMA: Healthy shmelthy. Who's to say what's wholesome for your psyche right now? You've been through premarital divorce, no less disruptive and painful than the real thing. The glaring difference is the lack of attorneys — but the hurt is certainly not diminished. (It could even be increased!) In a way, you're in post-op, the ultra-sensitive phase following an amputation, which seems to best describe the experience. Right now you need tenderness and understanding — from familiar sources. And your former lover's parents fit the bill. (I've no idea why their son is no longer your beloved, but I do wonder why he comes by to see them when you're there. Ahem.) The more love you have in your life right now, from any source, the shorter your recovery time from this upheaval. Its memory will stay with you, as it should, and take its place among your keenest of life experiences. Go slowly, take it day by day, and don't over-think your divorce. Its lessons will make themselves known as life unfolds. Stay with these wonderful people and commune with them.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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