DEAR SUSAN: What do women want? I just ended a relationship with a woman I loved, who left me for an old boyfriend who called her names. I was the opposite — caring and loving and a nice guy. I can't understand why she chose him!

Don't women like to be treated well? How can a nice guy meet a nice woman without having to treat her like dirt? — Keith F., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR KEITH: Sigh (deep one). Without knowing her age, I'd bet that this woman is in her 20s, the decade of foolish females. Young and new at the game, they are drawn to the bad boy. His mistreatment means less to them than the excitement that surrounds him, an aura of trouble that makes him a magnet for women too inexperienced to know better. Just as men can be led by their testosterone, these young snow bunnies are led by hormones directly to troubled men. (Marlon Brando and Sean Penn are icons of this type.)

And to be honest, I'm not sure there's any way to talk them out of this dangerous malady. The only prescription that works for the good guy is a combination of patience — lots of it — and a conscious effort to be interesting. (It's a shame, but some men tamp down their opinions and interests, their individuality, to be considered nice guys — a fundamental flaw in understanding that turns out bland and boring men. No wonder the naughty boy seems exciting!) Correcting that misunderstanding can help, but the surefire remedy I suggest for you is waiting it out for women to come to their senses. At around 30, my sisters start realizing bad boys are bad investments for their tender feelings. Hallelujah. Finally they come of age. And so, Keith, I suggest seeking out thirtyish women in your world — at first, as friends. It's fun to be with someone who appreciates you. Try it.

TITILLATING FACT: Childless and unmarried individuals are doing immense amounts of family work, with one in four American workers spending seven hours or more each week caring for an aging parent. In fact, researchers Naomi Gerstel (University of Massachusetts) and Natalia Sarkisian (Boston College) find that childless single individuals give more time and practical support to parents, kin and friends than married couples.

Hmm. …

DEAR SUSAN: I certainly agree with Name Withheld that women think they're the ones doing the giving and that nobody deserves the "prize" that they are. In most cases, they're right about that — but not about the way men think.

Men are tired of being judged and criticized. Many younger ones will take the criticism and change themselves to please women, but as they get older, they realize the truth — that rather than appreciate the changes, she will subconsciously see him as weak for making them, and will continue to complain and be angry until she leaves.

I'm no prize, but then I don't want to be a prize either. I just don't care anymore to tell women the truth. If it's not fun and friendship, why bother? — Wes H., Fort Bragg, Calif.

DEAR WES: Yes, but … some people just don't want to hear the truth because they might have to do something about it. Which translates into making a change. And some people (the same ones) resist change mightily. It might be too early in the relationship to speak truth. But then again, being single can make one weary from the thruput of people and the tiresome chatter that comes with many of them. Your final question — "why bother?" — tells me you're due for a timeout. A change of lifestyle — stopping the aimless socializing so many singles fall into — can be refreshing. Don't allow yourself to fall into negativity, friend. The world deserves better from you.

CONNECTING. You and I have so much to say to each other. You can always make contact by writing to this newspaper, but there's another hot line: info@creators.com.

Go to the "Lifestyle" section at www.creators.com, and find "Single File" waiting for your comments. (You can read past columns there to get a fuller picture of recent questions and responses.)

However you connect with me, you're welcome. And if you'd like a free copy of the Declaration of Undependence and/or Sexual Bill of Rights, let me know. They're both on parchment, yours for the asking.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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