DEAR SUSAN: Your comment that casual sex usually involves one partner who's looking for more, and that it's usually the woman who wants more, sounds sexist. It may seem that it's more often the woman, but only because men don't talk about these things as much. Many men are hurt by casual sex. Give some of us guys a break. We're trying. — Matt F., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR MATT: How well I know! Letters from men make up a lot of my reader mail, to the point that one woman wrote: "Susan Deitz must be a man, she gives so much space to men's letters." And it's true, Matt, not many admit they have deep gut reactions and unfilled yearnings, which makes their disappointment in casual sex all the more poignant — because it's shared by women. So there it is, the death knell of casual sex, no longer casual because both partners want more from the encounter! That would be ironic if it weren't pathetic. Here are two people who decide to share hopes and dreams along with their bodies, trying to hide their vulnerability. And all the while, both of them want the same outcome! It's sad and laughable at the same time — mostly sad. Two people with a huge chance at happiness flub the dub. Some silly obstacle, such as fear or pride, takes over. I hope that men out there in Readerland will read — and remember — this truly hopeful letter. It just could be that there's no such thing as casual sex. Forget that at your peril.

WHY SO MANY SINGLE AMERICANS? According to an article in The New York Times: "Now, marriage has become more one of equals; when more highly educated men marry, it tends to be more highly educated women. …

"Women with more education also are becoming less likely to divorce, inclined to divorce, than those with less education. They are even less likely to be widowed all in all, less likely to end up alone. …

"Statistics show that college educated women are more likely to marry than non-college educated women — although they marry, on average, two years later.

…

"The difference extends across race lines: black women are significantly less likely to marry than white women, but among blacks, women with a college education are more likely to marry than those who do not."

The Times quoted David Popenoe, the co-director of the National Marriage Project, as saying: "Marriage is more difficult today than it was in the past. The people who excel in one area probably excel in that area, too. And people who are high school dropouts probably have a higher propensity to drop out of marriage."

The article goes on to say: "The last 30 years have seen a huge shift in educated women's attitudes about divorce. (Steven P. Martin, a sociologist) … said that three decades ago, about 30 percent of women who had graduated from college said it should be harder to get a divorce. Now, about 65 percent say so.

"But for less educated women and for men, the numbers haven't changed; only 40 percent — a minority — say it should be harder to get a divorce."

Martin said: "What's becoming more powerful is the idea that economic resources are conducive to stable marriages. Women who have more money or the potential for more money are married to men who have more stable income."

The article concludes: "The better educated wives and husbands tend to share intellectual interests and economic backgrounds, as well as ideas about the division of household roles. They also have more earning power. And as in so many other things, in marriage, money helps ease the way."

HEALTHY SINGLENESS. Have I told you lately how I love the Center for Science in the Public Interest? For me, it's the absolute last word on food and nutrition because it is on your side. Not a drop of advertising is allowed on the pages of its healthletter. And that translates into the whole truth about what goes into your food basket — and your family's bodies. I've been tracking CSPI for years, and it's been around a good long time. Here's the scoop:

NUTRITION ACTION HEALTHLETTER

Center for Science in the Public Interest

1875 Connecticut Ave. N.W., Suite 300

Washington, DC 20009-5728

http://www.cspinet.org

They are the best.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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