What is it about money and inheritances that bring out the worst in us?

We discovered firsthand how it works from Mary Ann. A relative had asked her to be her power of attorney for both health and financial affairs and the executor of her will.

In addition, the relative wanted to draw up her will — and leave the bulk of her considerable estate to Mary Ann. Mary Ann set up an appointment with a lawyer and informed him that she was to be the heir.

At the meeting, though, the lawyer said he needed to talk directly with the relative by himself. Mary Ann was taken aback, but admitted that was the right procedure.

When he emerged from that meeting, he explained that the terms of the will had changed to leave the estate to nieces and nephews with a bequest to Mary Ann.

Mary Ann, who had devoted a lot of attention helping the relative, then told us how she felt cheated out of money that she already had considered hers.

That experience is no isolated phenomenon. Since then, we've noticed something similar happening whenever people discuss possible inheritances. It's common for people to feel disgruntled on learning that someone else in the family is getting special treatment.

And it isn't necessarily the poorer members of a family who raise objections. In one case, the wealthier members of a family complained bitterly when they discovered that a sibling was getting a benefit that would diminish their share of the inheritance.

And it made no difference to them that the sibling receiving extra consideration was the one who was providing the bulk of the caregiving to their aging parent.

So what can we do to ward off those ungenerous feelings?

The first thing to do is to remind yourself to be aware of the way normally generous people can react when inheritances are in the offing. Awareness is at the heart of changing behavior.

There are other things to keep in mind as well:

— Remind yourself that those arranging their estate have a right to distribute an inheritance any way they want.

— Try to understand the reasons why another family member may be getting a larger inheritance. Does that person have special needs? Or has he or she provided special services?

— Stomp on the thought that you have a greater claim than other members of your family. It's likely all your siblings feel the same way.

— Don't get into squabbles with other family members about why you deserve more than they do. It's counterproductive.

A further caveat: In this age of people living longer and adult children being scattered far away, often a single member of a family has the major responsibility to care for a parent or other relative during the last years of their lives.

In one family, that person is Martha. For years she has been closely involved with her parents as they grew older. The first time was for her mother, who developed dementia in the last few months of her life.

Several years after her mother's death, Martha took on a similar role as her father's health deteriorated. It's only through her constant caregiving that he can remain in his long-time home at the age of 94. Without Martha, much of her father's finances would be doled out to hire people to help him cope.

Even given Martha's ongoing devotion to their father, some of her siblings are distressed that their father is leaving a special provision in his estate to Martha. One has even convinced himself that she has put undue influence on their father to favor her in his will.

Now, we'd like to think that if we ever found ourselves in a similar situation that we would act differently; that we would assure our parent that we thought it only fair for the caregiving sibling to receive a greater part of any inheritance.

But we'll admit it might be easier said than done. There's something about inheritances that brings out the green-eyed monster in all of us.

E-mail Joe Volz at [email protected] or write to 2528 Five Shillings Rd, Frederick, MD 21701. To find out more about Joe Volz and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.