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Later Love
DEAR SUSAN: My mom was in her late 50s when she found love again after divorcing my dad. She used an online dating site to find it — but this was before the site you mentioned existed. It seems a fine match, and they have been married for …Read more.
A Perfect 10
DEAR SUSAN: I had to laugh at the letter from a man describing himself as a "Richard Gere" looking for a woman who is a professional, intelligent and a perfect 10. The problem might just be in his math! I've noticed that men rate …Read more.
Choose Happiness
DEAR SUSAN: This positive advice is for a fellow blogger, who seems to be having a hard time: It takes work to escape the comfort zone that keeps you making the same mistakes. (It's easier if you have the help of a good therapist, but people have …Read more.
The Uninvited
DEAR SUSAN: Your column on being left out of a couple's world has made me respond to an advice columnist for the first time in my life. The problem is much bigger than you seem to realize. When I was part of a couple, we did a lot of socializing. I …Read more.
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Undependence UnderstoodDEAR SUSAN: My late "Greatest Generation" parents got some things wrong when I was growing up, but one thing they got right is that in marriage or another key relationship, total independence usually leads to misery and loneliness ("freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose"), whereas total dependence usually leads to frustration/anger/violence/addiction — or worse. Only interdependence is sustainable over the long haul. (Thanks again, Dad. I still miss you, but I'm getting by without you. Which, come to think of it, is right on point.) — From the "Single File" blog DEAR BLOGGER: Wish we all had such a father! The wisdom he passed along must have already proved valuable in your relationships. Clearly, his words are trusted allies as you meander single life, helping you make the choices that can add up to a fulfilling life. They must be proving themselves invaluable in this confusing, unsettled world. (I know they would have spared me much of the pain of trial-and-error widowhood/single parenthood. But then again, from that porridge came "Single File"!) How wonderful to have a parent be mentor as well as caregiver! Which is why your letter touched me — and probably many others. I can only hope and pray that parents out there in Readerland appreciate your father's legacy and pass it along to their young. (Come to think of it, that's already happening — each time a reader puts into action my Declaration of Undependence, affirming personal wholeness that lovingly strengthens future relationships, whatever they may be.) But make no mistake; this strength isn't about total independence or total dependency. Not at all. Its aim is to build a fully functioning individual who will enter relationships neither dependent nor insular. If the Lebanese poet Kahlil Gibran were standing beside me, he'd speak his piece. Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
DEAR SUSAN: I have to say I totally agree with you. I know there are people who can be sexually involved with multiple partners and not feel bad about it. But this can only work if the other person feels the same way. Often, the other person doesn't. Even if people know their partner is sleeping with other people and accept it at first, they often find they're not so comfortable with it as they thought they'd be. Susan, you are so right on that point. The very fact that many of these people settle down with one person and remain faithful seems to suggest that monogamy is their ultimate goal. I could never imagine being intimate with more than one person at a time. And I could never accept my partner doing that. AND FROM THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE BLOGOSPHERE: Oh, Susan, I'm sorry, but you're wrong. It doesn't feel wrong or dirty at all, and many responsible, emotionally mature adults can date and have sex with multiple people for a while. They often then settle into a relationship with a specific person. Casual dating and casual sex don't necessarily mean stupid or irresponsible or dangerous or thought-free. I understand that your personal preference and experience have blocked out this possibility, but as with anything in life, there's a lot more variety out there. And the fact is that plenty of people who only date one person and only have sex with one person can still do stupid and irresponsible or dangerous things. The bottom line is that if you are mature, responsible, consenting, honest and communicative, there is nothing dangerous/bad/thoughtless about having multiple partners. I will agree, however, that if someone is dating multiple partners in an irresponsible or dishonest fashion, then there is absolutely something shady and selfish and wrong about that. —Both letters are from the "Single File" blog DEAR READERS: There you have it. Two unmarried men with opposing views on casual sex. (As for me, I've heard from too many casual sex casualties to be impartial on the issue.) But all of us hope that you will weigh in on this important topic. Have a question for Susan? Send it to her in care of this newspaper or online at www.creators.com. COPYRIGHT 2012 CREATORS.COM
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