Women and Fatness by Susan Deitz on Creators.com

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Women and Fatness

DEAR SUSAN: I'm responding to your recent column about men's thinking about large women. My own weight has fluctuated greatly over the years — and when the numbers changed, so did men's attitude toward me. I definitely noticed it change when I gained weight. A year ago, I joined a gym to get in shape in hopes of gaining confidence and meeting someone. So what came of it? I married the trainer! At the moment, we are living apart because of his job, and some of the weight has climbed back on. But here's the difference: I'm happy now and more confident, and I find that more than a few men are attracted to me. If I had been just as happy and sure of myself, even with the extra weight, I probably would have dated more in my single days. What I've learned is that a big part of the weight battle is your attitude toward yourself. (That goes for job interviews, as well.) A great personality can draw in men who might not otherwise be attracted — and keeps them, too. You have to be confident and like yourself to attract people. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: But extra poundage has a creepy way of making you feel small, insignificant, making even the nicest woman doubt herself. And those self-inflicted harpoons, reflected in the averted gazes, do great damage to self-confidence. Why not give yourself every chance of being the chooser in the social scene? And why not have every possible advantage in life? Meeting someone can happen in an elevator, a doctor's office, a small cafe. To be prepared, it just makes sense to put your best foot forward. The one person you can't fool is little ol' you. It's you who changes into a nightgown in the bedroom, into a bathing suit in the local swim store. It's you who picks up the bowling ball with ease or with panting breath. It's you who comes home alone from a party and doesn't like the image in your own mirror. What I'm saying is that you can't fool yourself by appearing confident on the surface only.

Yes, a confident person is a love magnet. But extra pounds don't fit into that self-image.

DEAR SUSAN: Fattitude is such a touchy subject. I don't know where to start. I find women attractive who are a healthy and friendly phenotype of their genotype. Regardless of which gene pool they come from, women should be the happiest, healthiest expression of the hand they've been dealt. That will do fine for me. If the woman knows you and likes you and is smiling at you — wow! But that having been said, sex is a physical act — and a fat person is just not a pleasant experience in the bedroom. I have seldom known a woman whose fatness was not an expression of something deeper in her personality — rarely something positive. There are many excuses for being fat, but as miraculous as God made us, we cannot make fat out of thin air. People are likely to have higher standards in all areas of life if they care for themselves physically. (They'll have higher standards for you, too, so you have to be healthy, too. Fair is fair.) As to fatness, well, sex is basic to marriage. Fat is not good for sex. Sexual problems are often at the root of fat problems, so I try to be sympathetic. But we all have to try hard; being in good physical shape also helps with mood problems. Besides, I don't want to die on my cats! — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Before my rant on obesity and the food corporations diligently sustaining it, a nod to your ability to string words together with honesty and brilliant flashes of insight. Your letters have been bringing this columnist some of her juiciest reactions from readers, for which I give a deep bow in your direction. But on to the issue of fattitude. In general, this scholar of singleness is doing all she can (in good humor) to bring poundage to readers' consciousness. Extra flesh is so unattractive. It is such a telltale sign of the distress beneath. In spite of that, foodsters continue to push their way to mass-produce larger appetites. As you say, fat is not a welcome sight in the bedroom. It's even more devastating in the physician's office when the word "diabetic" hangs in the air. I rest my case.

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at sumor123@aol.com.