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Madame Ovary
My wife needs a medical test that will involve her being naked in unflattering positions in front of another person, possibly male. I know she won't enjoy this and it certainly isn't sexual, but I want her to request a female gynecologist. She says she's embarrassed to do that, refuses to be controlled by me, and says having a male doctor doesn't bother her. Well, it bothers me terribly. I'm fairly young and not religious, but I was taught that a couple's bedroom — what happens there, their nude bodies, etc. — is for them alone. I'm not insecure, and I know she isn't leaving me, but I strongly feel that her being seen naked by a male practitioner violates the sanctity and intimacy of our marriage, and I can't help but feel like it's cheating. — Distressed
It's pretty hard to confuse an exam room with a singles bar — unless the singles bars you've experienced have men leaning over and asking women, "So...when was your last period?" and "Do you leak urine?"
Cheating involves having a romance with a person other than your partner, not having him give you a Pap smear. Also, male doctors generally have a female nurse present while examining a female patient (so they won't be accused of any funny business). There will be that rare Dr. Pervo, but according to doctors I spoke to, by week two of their residency, bodies might as well be giant steaks. So, for a male doctor, your wife's "special area" is anything but special; it's the seventh vagina he's seen before lunch.
Stamping your feet and denying the obvious — that there's a vast difference between medical touch and sexual touch — helps you manipulate your wife with this ridiculous notion that she "violates the sanctity" of your marriage by getting a male doctor in rotation. So, according to you, what's special about your marriage is just that since you tied the knot, no other man has been assigned to see your wife naked (in a setting more in keeping with performing an autopsy than staging a seduction). Take your "logic" a step further and your wife is two-timing you by even speaking to people who aren't you, and never mind that she isn't exactly revealing her deepest hopes, dreams, and fears to some man in line behind her at the mall.
People in loving relationships will often accommodate their partner's ridiculous requests simply to make them happy. Your wife might've been more willing to do that if only you'd appealed to her sympathy instead of demanding that she do all the changing while you lift nary a brain cell to consider whether your position might be unreasonable. (Refusing to even consider another person's point of view generally causes them to cling even more firmly to it.) Of course, if only you'd look at this through reason-colored glasses, you'd probably acknowledge the reality: If somebody does come between you and your wife, it's unlikely to happen while she's upset, afraid, and grossed out during a medical test. And give doctors a little credit. If you're a doctor, a woman will take her pants off for you because you drive a sports car. There's really no need to come up with some ploy about scraping her cervix for cancerous cells.
Bed, Bath, And Beyond Disappointing
For Valentine's Day, my boyfriend of two months gave me a gift basket of smelly lotions and shaped soaps. Not my kind of thing, but even more not my thing because I recognized it as a regift of something somebody gave his mom. When I met his parents, this basket was in his mom's bathroom. He's seemed sweet so far, but maybe this gift says he's just using me. — Overscented
Ideally, if you're surprised on Valentine's Day, it isn't because your boyfriend's given you that gift that says he cares enough to look under his mom's bathroom sink and see what's still in the package. (Good thing she'd already cracked into that gallon jug of toilet bowl cleaner.) There are several possible explanations for his gift: A. He doesn't care. B. He doesn't have a clue. C. He does care, but Valentine's Day popped up early in the relationship, and he went back and forth on how much lovey-dovey to express — until he ended up at the last-minute gift counter in his mom's bathroom. Give him the gift of time. Paying attention to how he treats you over the next few months will tell you whether he's caring and maybe clueless or whether all he cared about was placating you with whatever gifting roadkill he came upon. You can't train a guy to adore you. A woman can work with caring and clueless — although when her birthday rolls around, she may find herself doing it from behind the wheel of his mom's almost-new car.
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave., #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or email AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com). Alkon is the author of "I See Rude People: One Woman's Battle To Beat Some Manners Into Impolite Society."
COPYRIGHT 2013 AMY ALKON
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM 
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24 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1 -- Please tell me this is a fake letter. If it isn't, I have really bad news for you -- you ARE insecure. Now, your wife shouldn't be "embarrassed" to ask for a female doctor -- plenty of women do, in fact, request female gynecologists -- but she also shouldn't feel a need to ask for a female doctor unless SHE is uncomfortable with having a male doctor. I could go on and on ad nauseum about the many reasons that this is not cheating and does not violate the sanctity of the marital bedroom. I could go on and on ad nauseum about how unpleasant gynecological exams are. But clearly there's no point in doing that, as you already know this to be true. This is one of those times when I would REALLY like to know what your actual question was. Were you asking how to convince your wife to respect your feelings and request a male doctor? Or were you asking how to get over this? Regardless, I just have to say again: please tell me this is a fake letter.
LW2 -- Of course, there's also the possibility that, given how short the courtship has been thus far, he wasn't sure what to get you, asked his mom what she thought, and she suggested scented lotions, etc. -- and then he ran out and bought the same basket. If you take the regifting out of the equation, does that help at all? I seriously doubt this gift says he's just using you. As Amy noted, the gift could mean he doesn't care, or he doesn't have a clue about romantic gift-giving (a not-all-that-uncommon malady, BTW). You were perfectly happy with him up until The Great V-Day Gift Fiasco, right? And he introduced you to his parents. Most people I know do not willingly introduce someone they are just using to Mom and Dad. Your analysis of the Valentine's Day gift and the way you've turned it into a potential make-or-break kind of thing is EXACTLY why there are so many people out there who loathe Valentine's Day -- even people who are in a happy relationship. Please get over it and get back to just enjoying the relationship and seeing where it takes you.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Lisa
Tue Mar 12, 2013 7:50 AM
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LW1 -
You're not insecure? You're NOT? Gee, you sure had me fooled, what would it be! I will treat this letter as if it's taken for granted it's not a prank, since there ARE men who actually think like that, although not usually in America...
Look, if you're nutty enough to equal an examination room with a bedroom, in a minute you'll think a speculum is a dick. You gonna file for divorce on the grounds of adultery the next time she gets her yearly pap test?
You are EXACTLY the kind of retard who makes it impossible for women in some parts of Afghanistan to be medically treated, because they can't be treated by a male and any female trying to get an education gets acid-burned.
Why don't you do your wife a favour and emigrate to that part of the world, where you will be in the company of your fellow troglodytes? Your wife deserves better.
In fact, I don't think you're all that insecure. You problem is that as far tas you're concerned, a woman is only good for one thing, that's her only purpose in life and she cannot be doing anything that is not sexual from the moment she's naked. You're worse than insecure, you're sick.
I won't give you any advice, because men like you can't envision even the remote possibility that they could possibly be wrong about anything. But I can make a prediction: your wife knows she is neither an appliance nor your property, and she will have enough of your yurunda at one point. The sooner it'll be, the better for her.
LW2 -
Check to see if the basket is still in his mom's bathroom - perhaps he bought you one just like it. If it's not - I don't know if he's using you, but whether or not he is, he's cheap.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Mar 12, 2013 9:14 AM
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Lise, I'm laughing so hard, I might need something I can "Depend" on......Bet he IS from the mideast.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Danielle
Tue Mar 12, 2013 10:49 AM
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Re: Danielle
Nah. Even mideasterners are not that bad. I vote South Asia. The Taliban-controlled areas in Afghanistan and Pakistan are REALLY bad. Women are non-entities, not really human - a house appliance with a function and someone's property.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Mar 12, 2013 12:32 PM
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LW1 - I'm going to assume your letter is not a joke, because it sure sounds like one, and that you're serious about what you were taught about everything in a couples' bedroom being "for them and them alone." It's very true...in a sexual sense, and NOT in a medical sense!! Are you saying if your wife spilled boiling water on her breast that you would not want a burn doctor to take off her shirt to treat her skin? What happens if she gets pregnant, something goes wrong, and she has to be rushed to the emergency room where a male doctor will have to examine her nether region to ensure the safety of herself and the baby?
And let me tell you something else...your wife sure sounds like more of an adult than you will ever be. She is perfectly capable of standing up for herself if something goes on that she doesn't like. And honestly? You sound like the kind of person who would blame your wife for "letting it happen" if god forbid she were ever raped or sexually assaulted.
You'd better get over yourself fast...because if this is typical of the arguments you have in your marriage, it's going to be over within a very short time.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Paul W
Tue Mar 12, 2013 2:23 PM
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LW1: You're an idiot. Don't breed.
LW2: Why didn't you just ask him if it was the same basket? You need to get in the habit of honest communication. Making decisions based on assumptions is just plain stupid.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Diana
Tue Mar 12, 2013 5:33 PM
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Re: Diana
Diana,
At the risk of being verbose in comparison to you, I think if you had your own advice column, you would give great advice, but you would be able to respond to at least three times the letters each day. Of course, your answers would be pretty repetitive, but succinct and to the point none-the-less.
If it were not time for me to watch Letterman's top ten list before work tomorrow, I would try to compile Diana's top ten advice responses. Honestly, I think if BTL tried, there probably are only ten or so responses that would cover almost any letter on Creators.
I will start:
1. Get counselling. If he/she won't go with you, go without him/her.
2. Grow a spine.
3. It is not all about you. Get over yourself.
Sweet dreams BTL.
.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Carly O
Tue Mar 12, 2013 8:20 PM
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LW1- I guess nobody has ever told you about lesbians? Look, your wife could theoretically have sex with ANYONE who does her pap smear. It's a medical procedure, not a hook up. Repeat as needed to yourself.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Eliza167
Wed Mar 13, 2013 12:44 AM
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So, following your logic, you will never allow a woman doctor to give you a hernia test or prostate exam? Trips to the ob are never fun. I had a hang up about the whole male doctor thing at first too. Of course I was 17. When I was pregnant I was assigned to two male ob/gyn and they saved my life. Just last year I was in a rotating ob group. I was cared for by both men and women. Both were professional. When the time came a male doctor delivered my second baby. He was a fantastic doctor.
My advice, grow up and get over it. A doctor is a doctor.
Comment: #9
Posted by: MT
Wed Mar 13, 2013 1:22 AM
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LW1: I actually read a female version of this letter somewhere a few years ago- a woman wrote in OUTRAGED that ab male nurse checked her catheter during a hospitalization, with the same reasoning that she wanted no man other than her husband to see her naked. And disturbingly, she said she and her husband were both upset over it. These people exist. I mean, four seconds into my first Pap smear I figured out there was nothing remotely sexual going on.
LW1, you're going to find yourself divorced or on the business end of domestic abuse charges if you keep going the way you're going (and I try not to resort to hyperbole like that, but being upset that your wife is having a medical procedure done by a man?) if you keep up the way you are. Get a grip. If the intimacy of your marriage if forever sullied by knowing a male doctor (as opposed to a female one) saw her naked once, do your wife a favour and divorce her.
@Lise: You are quite right about medical examinations being a problem for women in Afghanistan, in that of course nearly all the doctors are men, husbands/male relatives had be in the room (as under the Taliban they had to accompany women everywhere), and doctors were often limited to over-the-clothes examinations. Things are slowly improving over there, though. Islam itself is not a sexist religion (in fact, it was quite progressive for its time as far as women's rights), but certain countries adhere to a skewed version that DOES oppress women so the leaders can achieve their own ends (misogyny aside, easier to hang onto power when 50% of your population is already completely disenfranchised).
Comment: #10
Posted by: Jers
Wed Mar 13, 2013 5:03 AM
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@Jers -- I vaguely remember that letter from the woman who didn't want a male nurse to check her catheter, etc. The difference there is that it was the PATIENT who was uncomfortable with it. As I said in my post, it's actually not all that uncommon for a woman to request a female gynecologist (though I sort of wonder what such modest women did years ago when female doctors were few and far between), and while I, personally, couldn't care less if the OB/GYN is male or female, I respect the PATIENT's right to make such requests (and note that I say "requests" not "demands") because of the PATIENT's comfort zone, etc. But in this case, it is the spouse of the patient who has his panties in a twist over this, while the patient doesn't care one whit. One is a question of someone seeking control of one's own medical care, one's own destiny, as it were. The other is a question of a spouse seeking to control the other spouse's medical care, the spouse's destiny, as it were. One is a question of the patient's own modesty and/or comfort zone and trusting the medical personnel. The other -- whether the LW is willing to admit it or not -- is as much a question of trusting the spouse who is in need of the medical attention as it is about trusting the medical personnel.
But I guess my real point is that the other letter you refer is not really the female version of this letter -- because that was a female complaining about her OWN medical care. The female version of this letter would be a wife complaining about her husband seeing female urologist or proctologist. My brother was recently in an accident that eventually required that one of his testicles be removed. He saw his primary care physician first, who happens to be a woman. Obviously, since the problem had to do with his testicles, she had to examine his testicles. Had my sister-in-law been uncomfortable with that and written to an advice columnist about it, THAT would be the female equivalent of this letter. And while it would be unlikely that the response to such a letter would be for someone to go into a gender-based rant about cultures that are female-dominated and seek to subjugate the male of the species (because, let's face it, when was the last time you heard about the female equivalent of the Taliban?), the issues of trust and control would be the same. It would be just as wrong for my SIL to be all upset about my brother seeing that female doctor. (And for the record, she was not, of course).
Comment: #11
Posted by: Lisa
Wed Mar 13, 2013 6:04 AM
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@Carly O -- you forgot one of Diana's favorites: don't breed.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Lisa
Wed Mar 13, 2013 6:04 AM
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Re: Jers #10
You are perfectly right that this has nothing to do with Islam. It has to do with tribal customs. And btw, the same applies to excision practices so prevalent in black Africa - Islam does NOT tell anyone to cut off women's genitalia. It's also true that Islam, taken literally, is the most advanced organised religion when it comes to women's rights... the problem is the interpretation, AND the meddling with the holy texts. Islam is the only religion whose holy book specifically allows divorce - for both genders. Many Muslim countries have reacted to that by passing laws that fix it so that the woman loses everything if she avails herself to that right.
It's not the religion that's the problem - it's the men. And yes, in that specific case, they ARE to blame. ;-D
Comment: #13
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Wed Mar 13, 2013 7:07 AM
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Please, give the guy in LW2 a break. Most men barely know what to get for Valentine's Day after a relationship that's lasted decades, let alone two months. There is way too much "hidden meaning" landmines in these gifts for a guy to navigate, and the LW has proved the point--instead of being a nice basket of smelly things, it's a symbol he's using her. Here's what more likely is going on. He had no idea what to get you, asked his mom for advice and she said here, give her this. He had no idea what to get you, asked his mom for advice and she said here, go buy her something like this, and he bought her the exact same one. He bought the gift basket and left it in the bathroom, and it was never his mom's to begin with. After all, it's clear this bathroom gets used a lot even by outside guests. Otherwise, what were YOU doing in his mom's bathroom? Get over yourself, get over this, and stop reading so much into things when a relationship is only two months old.
And by the way, what did you get HIM for Valentine's Day? Be thankful he's not reading all kinds of hidden meanings into your gift.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Jane
Wed Mar 13, 2013 8:33 AM
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@Jane -- I had two different thoughts regarding your post on LW2:
1) Silly you! She didn't get him anything for Valentine's Day because in her world, men have to do that stuff for women but not the other way around.
2) Silly you! "Be thankful he's not reading all kinds of hidden meanings into your gift." She's not going to be thankful, because she selected that gift with much care and thought towards what it symbolizes. She WANTS him to discern all the hidden meanings in the gift she gave him.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Lisa
Wed Mar 13, 2013 12:58 PM
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Lisa, we have no idea if LW2 gor her BF anything on Valentine's day or not. There is no information about this. What is wrong with you?
Comment: #16
Posted by: Mary
Wed Mar 13, 2013 8:45 PM
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This must be an episode of "Dr. Who," because I married LW2's boyfriend twenty years ago! And I bet I know just what happened. BF is over at his Mom's house for dinner when she asks him: Did you get your girlfriend something nice for Valentine's Day? BF: When is that? Mom: This Thursday. BF: Damn! No, I have been too busy... Mom: Give her this basket Aunt Penny gave me for my birthday. It takes up too much space, anyway. No, I insist; she'll love it!
And so BF, with typical male reasoning, thinks: With almost no effort on my part, I can please TWO women! And I don't have to go to the mall! And I can watch the rest of this game and have another slice of cake...hells, yeah!
Comment: #17
Posted by: Cathy
Wed Mar 13, 2013 9:31 PM
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@Mary -- my post to Jane was supposed to be a joke. Of course we have no idea. Sorry you didn't get it and took me seriously.
Comment: #18
Posted by: Lisa
Thu Mar 14, 2013 6:44 AM
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@Mary -- and one other thing -- as short as my post was at #15, it's sort of amazing that you missed another key point: I addressed both the possibility that she DID get him something and the possibility that she did NOT get him something. So, perhaps I should really be asking what is wrong is with you?
Comment: #19
Posted by: Lisa
Thu Mar 14, 2013 6:46 AM
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LW1: Agree with the rest – this is a medical examination, not a pervert trying to get his fix with the latest hot-looking chick to walk into the doctor's office.
Lise: I vote he's Peter Griffin ... y'know, from "Family Guy," where the episode plot sees Peter act like a complete asshole (as usual) and deters Lois from going for her annual checkup because it might involve the possibility of removing her clothing for a male doctor to do the exam, the doctor coming on to her and Lois liking it.
Then again, the "doctor" on "Family Guy" – a quack named Dr. Hartman – *is* a pervert, so that only reinforces this unfortunate perception that all male gynecologists are perverts. (This, even though the show once did an episode where Peter goes for a prostate exam and mistakes Dr. Hartman's anal probe as a sexual advance.)
I have to wonder if that's how or where this LW got his idea about male doctors examining nude females (i.e., from television)? Or reading the rare story in the newspaper where a male doctor IS accused of legit harassment and improper behavior? Surely, something is feeding his insecurities and that it wasn't just born in him.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Bobaloo
Tue Mar 19, 2013 6:46 AM
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LW1: Agree with the rest – this is a medical examination, not a pervert trying to get his fix with the latest hot-looking chick to walk into the doctor's office.
Lise: I vote he's Peter Griffin ... y'know, from "Family Guy," where the episode plot sees Peter act like a complete asshole (as usual) and deters Lois from going for her annual checkup because it might involve the possibility of removing her clothing for a male doctor to do the exam, the doctor coming on to her and Lois liking it.
Then again, the "doctor" on "Family Guy" – a quack named Dr. Hartman – *is* a pervert, so that only reinforces this unfortunate perception that all male gynecologists are perverts. (This, even though the show once did an episode where Peter goes for a prostate exam and mistakes Dr. Hartman's anal probe as a sexual advance.)
I have to wonder if that's how or where this LW got his idea about male doctors examining nude females (i.e., from television)? Or reading the rare story in the newspaper where a male doctor IS accused of legit harassment and improper behavior? Surely, something is feeding his insecurities and that it wasn't just born in him.
Comment: #21
Posted by: Bobaloo
Tue Mar 19, 2013 6:46 AM
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Also on LW1 – a thought that women should realize that when they are asked certain questions by a male doctor that are related to the exam, they are not meant to be offensive, nor are they designed to make him aroused or lead into inappropriate questions. Yes, most women probably realize this, but this is for those that think just like the LW – that all male doctors have these ulterior motives ... .
To the LW: It is up to YOUR WIFE to decide whether she wants a male or female gynecologist to examine her. Yes, if she was uncomfortable with her incumbent doctor, then she should change and/or ask for a female one if available. If she is doing fine with her current male doctor and feels comfortable with him, ... then back off.
Comment: #22
Posted by: Bobaloo
Tue Mar 19, 2013 9:41 AM
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Re: Bobaloo
Can you *hear* yourself?
Comment: #23
Posted by: Bobaloo's biggest fan
Tue Mar 19, 2013 1:40 PM
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Cathy #17- ding, ding, ding, we have a winner here! I bet this is exactly what happened!
LW1- You think all male doctors are creepy perverts, don't you? I suppose you would never go to a female doctor, would you? Get a clue, buddy. The perversion is all in YOUR mind. Believe me, being flat on your back in a paper gown having cold medical instruments poking your nether regions does NOT make a woman think, 'gee, I'd like to leave my husband for more of THIS!" Stop being an idiot, before your wife realises what an idiot she married.
Comment: #24
Posted by: Patty Bear
Wed Mar 27, 2013 8:20 AM
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