I don't understand the cable television show "Finding Bigfoot." Why do people tune in each week? Where's the incentive for the viewer? I mean, you're never going to watch that show and see them find a Bigfoot, right? OK, so what's the appeal? That's like producing a show called "Finding Leprechauns," "Finding Unicorns" or "Finding Honest Politicians."

I realize you probably have a life and can't possibly devote nearly as much attention to the realm of cable television as yours truly so allow me to fill you in. "Finding Bigfoot" is a documentary series — documentary probably isn't a good word for it — on Animal Planet that follows the hapless and klutzy crewmembers of the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization (BFRO), which actually exists and isn't something I am making up, as they try and find Bigfoot.

I understand all of this information is a lot to take in at once, especially since society in general pretty much agrees that Bigfoot isn't real. Or for that matter Bigfoots, plural — known collectively as Bigfeet.

The squad of Bigfoot hunters on the show all look as if they just crawled out of their parents' basements and have the soda stains to prove it. Most of them are either eccentric or suffer from severe and undiagnosed mental conditions; it's hard to tell actually. Not that I want to create undue stereotypes for BFRO members, because clearly they have a lot going for them.

Another thing that bothers me about the show is you have an organized group of people who seem pretty bright — socially-awkward, but bright. What are they trying to find? What are they casting their attention on? What do they try and find? Could it be finding the cure for cancer, finding Jimmy Hoffa, or some other noble investigatory endeavor?

Nope.

The morons are just trying to find Bigfoot.

I watched the show a few times and I've come to one conclusion. Everyone on the show needs to spend less time trying to find Bigfoot and more time trying to find something not so elusive: an actual job.

Every episode of "Finding Bigfoot" is the same, too. On tonight's episode of "Finding Bigfoot": The BFRO crew clumsily stumble through the North American wilds as they try to figure out how to use their night-vision goggles; the crew makes an interesting discovery that is in no way actually linked to Bigfoot. Could this be the crucial expedition that finally unlocks the mystery of Bigfoot? Chances are ... probably not.

The show might as well be called Finding Something That Does Not Exist because it's basically a show about finding nothing. That's a great premise for a television program, isn't it? As the viewer you know going in they will never actually find Bigfoot. It's like watching "Jaws" and never seeing the shark.

Heck, make a show and call it Finding My Lost Car Keys. At least that way I'll get some satisfaction from wasting an hour of television.

At night I mentally tickle myself with the prospect of the BFRO crew actually finding Bigfoot. That's the question I want answered. What if they actually find Bigfoot? I don't think the members of the Bigfoot crew are equipped with the necessary hardware to handle a bad-tempered and bipedal Bigfoot.

Bigfoot doesn't strike me as a fellow who makes a pleasant first impression. His primary course of discussion is bashing heads with large rocks and his preferred style of peaceful negotiation is tearing off limbs and beating people to death with them. Or so I imagine.

Of course don't tell that to any of the members on the BFRO team because they all say they are confident that, if found, they will make friendly contact with the beast.

Yeah right, if that isn't putting your big foot in your mouth then I don't know what is.

To contact Will E Sanders email him at [email protected]. To learn more about Will E Sanders, to read past columns or to read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.