DEAR SUSAN: On the issue of breaking up a relationship — in person, by phone or through written word — I firmly believe the most important thing is clear communication by the person initiating the breakup. That person needs to be as clear and as kind as possible so that the decision is relayed respectfully. As to getting the message across, some people may not be very good at communicating in person, afraid they'll say something hurtful unintentionally. (Or they may fear they might not get their message across clearly and thus give the other person a futile hope.) However the sad message is delivered — in person, on the phone or through the written word — it must be done with kindness. Also, when delivering news that is emotionally painful, do it in private so that the person can deal with it on his or her own terms. I can't imagine anything worse than receiving such news in a public place. The mode of the breakup communication isn't nearly so important as considering the other person's feelings. If someone can be kinder with the time and introspection the written form allows, that is the best way. If the relationship has been a long one, it may be appropriate to follow the letter soon (with a phone call or visit) to show there was caring there, though not the romantic sort hoped for. I know this would be my preference if I were on the receiving end. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Sounds to me as if you've been in that position more than once. I can hear the longing, the sighing, the muted acceptance of something you cannot control. That's the scary thing about love; your desires are only half the game. The other factor is totally out of your control. But there is something you can rein in, and that is total immersion in this other person. Holding on to your interests, your friends and your nonromantic life, at least you give yourself a chance to avoid a total meltdown if and when the sky falls. Easy to say here, where newsprint is the stuff of life, eh? Not so simple when McDreamy comes along and for a while spreads rose petals — and then calls the whole thing off. I know a thing or two about that. (Details unavailable.) But do see the following for another take completely on the splitting headache.

DEAR SUSAN: Yes, it's considered classier and more personal to talk face to face and tell someone that he or she is history. But what should you do with a poor sap who froze so many times for so long before finally taking the chance to ask you for a date? Thoughtful notes come easily, but courage through experience hasn't yet been built, so instead of fumbling and straining, some people write the words that can't be eloquently expressed to do the other the emotional justice deserved. For some, it is not escape but a respectful and kind way to thank someone for company and caring — without, I may add, the frightening awkwardness of rough edges and panicked inadequate (or, worse, insulting) expression. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Your goodbye style feels a bit gung-ho for my emotional set, but on second (and third) reading, the words bubble with compassion. You seem to understand (?) the awkward bumbling most of us go through when trying to put into words our deepest yearnings. Whatever the words, being the recipient of bad love news hurts something awful. There's no way to make that sound pretty.

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