DEAR SUSAN: The reader who asked you how to tell a man that her sexual favors are a gift rather than an obligation is way off base. She needs to know that sex isn't a commodity to be bartered. Sex is to be shared, if and when both parties want to share it. A woman doesn't "owe" her body to a man in exchange for anything. Ever. It doesn't matter how nice dinner was or if they've dated three times or if all the girls say he's a great lover or if it means he won't call again unless we hit the sheets. As a single woman in her 40s, I realized long ago that if a man will cut me loose for not having sex with him, he'll cut me loose for another reason even if we do have sex. When I really like someone, I tend to be quite upfront about my morals, and if he doesn't like them, he's perfectly free to leave. What I've found is that the ones who opt out aren't missed very long, but the ones who've stayed around are worth remembering. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Some think of sex as a favor, a gift, togetherness with the potential to attain spiritual communion. In the early stages of a relationship, it can serve as a bold and irrefutable litmus test, sending signals (loud and clear) that almost vibrate with the true intent of the other partner. But the brain, with its intellectual prowess, can (and often does) override healthy instinct and foul up the wise message to wait — an example of free will, but it is an example of free will gone bad. Certainly, the odds of real sharing and healthy loving are better when they come in due time, at the right time, when both partners share the same vibration level and when deep fondness and respect have been given their due. Yes, the brain can interfere with the viscera's wisdom, but then again, the person must be listening. Time is the only true measure of feelings.

DEAR SUSAN: Even though I'm a very sexual man (with few taboos and inhibitions), I believe that a man who grabs or gropes a woman without her consent is shameless, cowardly and disrespectful. It merits a knee in the you-know-where. Sex should be a delightful union between consenting adults — nothing less. Sexual favors are not a gift to be bartered. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Gift schmift. How anyone can take the most precious exchange between adults and reduce it to payment in exchange for a dinner is beyond this blond head. Yet when my survey had the audacity to ask respondents why they had sex, responses were off-the-wall enlightening. They ran the gamut — "to get back at my parents," "to shock my religion," "to thank him for dinner," "because it feels good," "to get him to call again," "to compare him with the other men I've slept with," "to feel grown up," "to get sexual experience." Very few of the 1,900 responses even included emotions or closeness. To this day, major surveys seem to avoid posing that question or another in that same vein. When this scholar of singleness was assembling questions for my survey (I had to reduce the number from 450 to just under 200 plus separate lifestyle questionnaires), that one query stood out as impossible to exclude. Yet it told of a lack of or diminished emotionalism, heightened disregard of — bordering on ignorance of — the true reason for sexual joining. Procreation? Recreation? Why do you engage in sex? After you answer that, there's the not-so-little matter of regifting. Think about it.

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at [email protected].