DEAR SUSAN: My sister is beautiful, intelligent, educated, generous — you get the picture. Unfortunately, she's single and very unhappy being so. In the few times she's been mentioned in my conversations with men she knows, they all say the same thing: She's a bit driven and much too intense. For instance, she can't write anything online without multiple exclamation points. (She doesn't just like hummus; she LOVES it.) It's the same thing when she speaks. It can be exhausting. I do like your advice on singleness, so I ask you the classic question of singleness: How hard should you try to change yourself while you're single — versus waiting to find the person who fits you? My sister wants someone to love her but wants to be true to herself. How do you even figure out what your "self" is, anyway? — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Your writing to me shows loving, respectful concern for your sister. You're doing what you can to help your lovely sibling smooth out some rough edges that seem to be keeping men away. And in the process of discovering her flaws, you've come upon a puzzler that's been a classic of singledom since men and women discovered its joys: How much should you change to please a beloved while being true to the person you know yourself to be?

The answer, dear sis, begins with knowing what you want/need and what you will or won't do to achieve that. That process of knowing oneself takes years, usually extending into the 30s — and well beyond as life's stages take you into deeper discovery of self. The point? You can't possibly know what you want from a beloved until you know yourself. Yes, it's a moving process, growth that's nonstop and lifelong. (Do I hear groans?) Which is the reason for many middle-aged divorces and finding new love with a different sort of partner. My advice is to tell your sis to take her time and enjoy the journey of finding out who she is and what she wants from life — and love. Time spent in self-discovery brings you face to face with your BFF. TRULY!!!

DEAR SUSAN: I am a happily married woman (28 years, thank you very much) and take offense to your comment to the woman whose boyfriend suddenly ended their relationship for no reason. You said that fighting with your partner is normal and that he must have hidden resentments that weren't brought to the surface because they never fought. They could be the reason he left, you said.

My husband and I certainly disagree about things, but we resolve them by talking and seeing the other person's viewpoint. We don't fight or play the stupid silent treatment game. In your opinion, is there something wrong with us? — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: The only thing wrong with your marriage is that you and your husband aren't out in the world helping other married couples employ the sensible solutions you two use to smooth out the differences inevitable in any close relationship. Certainly, you and your mate are aware and intelligent people. The difference between your relationship and that of my reader is that she and her partner weren't aware of the differences between them, so an underground battle developed. There is open warfare between people aboveboard and healthy, and there is subterranean sniping — unhealthy and sick — usually resolved by partners going their own way without learning from the experience. Bless you and your husband.

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at [email protected].