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You Could Be Behind Bars

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DR. WALLACE: I'm 18 and so is Lori, my so-called girlfriend. We had been going steady for a year, but we broke up two days before we graduated. Our first nine months were super, but we had lots of problems the last three. The last straw was when she screamed out loud in front of my friends that I was a "stupid idiot." Losing my temper, I slapped her face and pulled her hair.

I've tried calling her, but she won't answer the phone and her mother keeps telling me to stop calling because Lori doesn't want to see me anymore. I realize that I made a mistake, and I want to get back with her. What can I do to get her back? —Nameless, Merrillville, Ind.

NAMELESS: Stop calling Lori. Send her a card and, in a few well-chosen words, tell her you are sorry for your unacceptable behavior and ask her to forgive you. End by asking her to call you, but don't hold your breath until she does. Your behavior might be in the unforgivable category. Had she contacted the police, you could be writing to me from behind bars.

THE ISSUE IS YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND

DR. WALLACE: Carly and I have been close friends for many years. Recently she broke up with her boyfriend because she got tired of him.

Last week she told me I had better hang onto my boyfriend tightly because she was thinking of taking him away from me. She said she was only fooling, but I'm not so sure she was.

Last night she and another friend met Matt and me at the mall, and she really made a play for him, telling him he was handsome and such a good athlete.

I almost threw up on the spot listening to her.

Now I'm convinced she's out to steal Matt away from me. Please tell me what I can do to insulate Matt from her clutches. Please don't tell me to drop Carly as a friend. That would only make matters worse. I like Matt very much, and I'm pretty sure he feels the same about me. At least he says he does. —Denise, Knoxville, Tenn.

DENISE: There's nothing like a "close friend" to make you feel insecure. If you really have a friendship with her, ask her for your sake, to stay away from Matt. If she ignores you, she really isn't your friend, so dropping her as one isn't even an option.

Meanwhile, the next time you go out, tell Matt your fears about Carly. Let him know that you care for him very much and hope he feels the same way about you. Chances are, Matt will laugh about Carly and reassure you that you're his one and only.

If his response falls somewhat short of that, perhaps things aren't going all that well between you.

In either case, the issue isn't Carly, but about you and Matt. If the two of you are solid, she won't be a threat.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at rwallace@galesburg.net. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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Comments

5 Comments | Post Comment
LW1: Really? Send Lori a card and say you're sorry? Seriously?

I'd say you need to get anger management counseling, buddy!

No, no, no ... DO NOT SEND LORI A CARD or contact her in any way. You f-ed up. BIG TIME!!! I really don't give a rat's ass that she called you stupid -- right or wrong, you should have just taken a walk and cooled off!

The only part Dr. Wallace has right in this case is that had she contacted the police -- and frankly, you are goddamned lucky she didn't -- you would be in jail, slapped with a no-contact order and possibly facing (at least) an aggravated misdemeanor.

Sending her a card could merit a harassment charge. This is the classic slippery slope to abusive relationships -- send them an "I'm sorry" card, flowers, we all hug, the audience goes "awww" and we all fade out and everyone lives happily ever after ... and then it happens again. And again, maybe a little bit worse (a broken nose, a bruised wrist), and then a little bit worse (a head injury and stitches) ... and worse (you can fill in the blanks).

"Your behavior might be in the unforgivable category." No, Dr. Wallace -- it IS in the unforgivable category!!!!!!!!! Lori did the right thing by escaping a potentially abusive relationship and nipping this one in the bud, bud!!!!!!!

Back off, realize you f-ed up, get counseling and DO NOT EVER DO IT AGAIN!!!! And do NOT ever contact your ex-girlfriend again.

I usually agree with you and go easy when I disagree, but this time you are so goddamned wrong it is mind boggling. And anyone who dare defends the LW is also wrong.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Bobaloo
Fri May 10, 2013 9:17 PM
LW1--" Losing my temper, I slapped her face and pulled her hair." Hmm, 'stupid idiot' sounds about right to me. You really blew it; you're lucky your girlfriend or her mother didn't press assault charges. My advice is use this incident as a valuable life lesson and get yourself into anger management classes and also learn how to treat a lady with dignity and respect before acquiring a new girlfriend.

LW2--Sweetie there's nothing you can do to isolate your boyfriend from your 'frienemy' 'Carly'. High school boys have this little problem of hormones so if Carley throws herself at your boyfriend and he dumps you for her because he thinks he'll get laid, then those are the hard knocks. My advice is to continue being the best girlfriend that you can be and if Matt leaves you for your witch of a friend Carley than it's his loss, not yours.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Chris
Sat May 11, 2013 5:51 AM
LW1: You're a moron. You've physically harmed your ex, and she was right to leave you. You need to get some counseling and then leave your ex alone, because she shouldn't want anything to do with you after what you've done. I wouldn't. Count yourself lucky that charges weren't pressed - because she really should have called the police.

LW2: Enjoy your time with your bf, though don't consider him a great loss if he dumps you. If he's a good guy, then you can rest easy, because he won't be leaving you. If he's not a good guy - well, then why would you want him?
Comment: #3
Posted by: Katie Clark
Sat May 11, 2013 9:12 AM
LW1: Hon, why in the world would you want to get back together with someone with whom the last quarter of your time was not happy? (And stupendously so, with her trying to humiliate you in front of your friends?)

I'll tell you why. It's not because you miss Lori herself so much. It's more about you not wanting her to have the last word in your relationship. You want to win this particular battle. And maybe, a little, you were shaken by your poor behavior and want some sign that it doesn't define you.

Lori can't provide that sign. You've frightened her badly, and you were fortunate that you didn't end up being arrested for trying to force her to shut up. You need to look to yourself, to promise yourself that no matter how you're provoked, you will walk away rather than physically attack.

Consider this the one good thing you take away from this relationship. Sometimes, even two good people just aren't good TOGETHER -- they bring out the worst in each other rather than the best. Move on, resolve to do better, and find a girl who helps you be the kind of guy you want to be.
Comment: #4
Posted by: hedgehog
Sun May 12, 2013 6:26 AM
LW2: I agree with Dr. Wallace that it's a good idea to talk with both Matt and Carly (separately).

It can be hard for a guy to resist an attractive girl throwing herself at him. Giving him a heads up that this is more about a dangerous game Carly's playing with herself, testing to see what kind of power she has, than it is about him could be helpful, and it could actually bring the two of you closer.

"Carly, why you're looking to hurt me I don't understand. We've been friends for a very long time, and I've stood by you during some really rough times in your life. But consider this a warning. I saw how you acted around Matt at the mall. I don't know if you were testing Matt and his commitment to me, or my friendship with you. But if I ever see you pull that kind of crap again, you can consider the friendship OVER."
Comment: #5
Posted by: hedgehog
Sun May 12, 2013 6:38 AM
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