What Is Dating Violence? by Dr. Robert Wallace on Creators.com

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What Is Dating Violence?

DR. WALLACE: I've been dating a guy for over a year. There are times he is super wonderful, and then there are times when he is super horrible. My best friend knows this guy because he is her cousin, and she despises him. She keeps telling me to stop seeing him. She wants me to call the police and have him arrested for dating violence. She has been with us when he gets upset with me and calls me nasty and filthy names. I admit that I detest this type of behavior, but when he is nice, he is Mr. Wonderful.

I don't really need your advice about my future with this guy because I plan to keep dating him and just hope he mellows out and becomes Mr. Wonderful all the time. But I am a bit confused, and I want to know what "dating violence" really means. —Nameless, Detroit, Mich.

NAMELESS: Liz Claiborne has produced the booklet, "What You Need to Know About Dating Violence." She gives the reader an excellent explanation on what dating violence is. The following information was found in this booklet:

Dating violence isn't an argument every once in a while, or a bad mood after a bad day. Dating violence (or relationship abuse) is a pattern of violent behavior that someone uses against a girlfriend or boyfriend. Abuse can cause injury and even death, but it doesn't have to be physical. It can include verbal and emotional abuse — constant insults, isolation from friends and family, name calling, controlling what someone wears — and it can also include sexual abuse.

It can happen to anyone, at any age, no matter what race or religion they are, no matter what their level of education or economic background is. Dating violence also occurs in same-sex relationships. Dating violence is a crime and the violator could be arrested.

MY DAD MIGHT STOP CHILD SUPPORT

DR. WALLACE: My parents are divorced, and I live with my mother. Whenever I see my father during custody visits, he is very negative, and I do not enjoy seeing him one bit. The last time I saw him, about two weeks ago, I told him that I was tired of him trying to stir up trouble, and that I was not going to see him any more.

Last night, he called my mother and said that if I didn't see him, he was going to stop paying child support and would get his lawyer to start proceedings to gain custody of me. What should I do? I'm 17 years old. —Melanie, Lincoln, Neb.

MELANIE: Chances of your father gaining custody of you are slim and none. If the support he pays is important to your mother and you, then I would continue to see him, but spend as little time as possible with him. Do not allow his negative attitude to affect you. Do your best to keep the conversation positive and pleasant.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at rwallace@galesburg.net. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Comments

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LW1: "My best friend knows this guy because he is her cousin, and she despises him. She keeps telling me to stop seeing him. She wants me to call the police and have him arrested for dating violence."

So, has he hit you? I don't think you make this quite clear.

Even if he has not hit you, there seems to be ample evidence this guy is bad news, particularly with calling you names.

Mr. Wonderful? I'd dip into the book of Bobby "the Brain" Heenan's list of derisive names he used to call wrestlers he targeted: Mr. Blunderfull! Yeah, this guy blunders alright ... calling you names. Only it's not the blooper type or maybe once after having a bad day at work.

Give up on your dream that this guy will mellow out. Pretty soon, his foul moods will BE the norm, and he'll be calling you these names ALL THE TIME! And do expect to become a punching bag soon if he hasn't made you one already.

Tell "Mr. Blunderful" goodbye! Unfriend him (and block him) on all social media, including Facebook, delete and block his number ... do whatever you can to stay the hell away from this punk.

Comment: #1
Posted by: Bobaloo
Tue May 7, 2013 6:17 AM

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LW1, On the chance that you might read these comments, I ask this question. Do you not realize that there are thousands of older adults with abundant life experience who will tell you that your boyfriend has a fundamental problem in his inner being, like perhaps narcissistic personality disorder? I mean, really letter writer, do you have to experience EVERY LITTLE KNOCK first hand or can you not defer to the greater collective intellect sometimes?

It will NOT get better. It will get worse. Things like this do not just go away. Perhaps if he is self-aware and commited to change, he will seek therapy and gradually recover. When I want to know about something, I look it up and even ask wise, trusted people their opinion. When loads of people are saying the very same thing, I think they might be on to something.

Why don't you take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself some serious questions like "I want to keep dating him because he is sexy." If you can at least be totally honest with yourself, you have a chance of survival in this world. Otherwise, get ready for a bumpy ride.

Comment: #2
Posted by: Danielle
Tue May 7, 2013 7:49 AM

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LW2: Child support is not a fee someone pays in order to see his or her child. It is called child support for just that: to support the child. If he quits paying, your mother should take him to court immediately. I can't believe that the good doctor dropped the ball on this.

Comment: #3
Posted by: Siege
Tue May 7, 2013 4:03 PM

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Agreed, Siege -- the two are unrelated.

It IS possible that LW and her mom will suffer in the short term from that lack of child support. Courts tend to be backlogged (a factor that actually works in LW's favor wrt changing custody--she'll be 18 in less tcoulhan 12 months).

Should that happen, LW could use the time normally spent with her dad on a part-time job to offset the loss of child support until the legal system catches up and orders her father to pay the support owed.

LW1: How would you feel about your best friend dating someone you'd seen prove himself to be a slimeball time & again, complete with Mr. Wonderful charade that he puts on and takes off like a costume?

Comment: #4
Posted by: hedgehog
Tue May 7, 2013 5:00 PM

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they don't ever get better if you put up with their behavior. ever. they only get worse because you find this behavior 'acceptable' because you don't remove yourself from it. I know you didn't want advice, but that is the truth. You're playing with fire. A good relationship is one where people treat each other nicely almost all the time, and continue to treat each other respectfully even if there's an argument. It takes practice and hard work.

Comment: #5
Posted by: Laurie
Thu May 9, 2013 3:06 PM

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What Is Dating Violence?

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