Return to Your Birth Mother by Dr. Robert Wallace on Creators.com

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Return to Your Birth Mother

DR. WALLACE: My mother and father divorced when I was 6. I am now 13. My parents' marriage ended because my mother decided she wanted to live with her boss. I stayed with my dad, and we both moved in with his parents — my grandparents. They have been wonderful to me. My dad was busy working so my grandparents actually became "mom" and "dad."

Two years ago, my father was killed coming home late from work. A drunk driver hit my father's car head on. He died instantly. The drunk driver died a day later.

After my parents divorced, I still had contact with my mother. We saw each other three or four times a month. After my father died, I saw her about twice a week.

A month ago, my mom and her husband were divorced. Then my mother came over to our house and told "Mom and Dad" that she would like me to live with her again. After she left, my grandparents told me that if I decided to live with my birth mother they would understand. If that was my decision, they wouldn't try to encourage me to stay with them. They also said I was their daughter no matter what, and that I should decide what I think is best for me. I'm really confused and don't know what I should do. Can you help me decide? —Nameless, Jackson, Miss.

NAMELESS: A decision has been thrust upon you that requires wisdom far beyond your years to make — yet no one can make it for you. Fortunately, whomever you choose NOT to live with will STILL love you and be part of your life — so you can't make the "wrong" choice.

Discuss this with both mothers, and if allowed to live on a trial basis with your birth mom, return to her and stay in close contact with your other "mom and dad."

MY BOYFRIEND FAILED HIS PHYSICAL EXAM

DR.

WALLACE: My boyfriend was planning to join the Army, but he was shocked when he flunked his physical examination because the Army said they found traces of marijuana in his system. Chuck did smoke pot occasionally, but he was clean for over two weeks before the physical.

He did drink two days before he left, thinking that he was going to be Army-bound. That's because we had a huge party for him and by party's end he was smashed. Yet he told me that nothing was said about the alcohol. What is going on here? —Abby, Santa Fe, N.M.

ABBY: Your boyfriend should have been marijuana-free for at least a month, if not longer, before taking the physical. That's how long this drug stays in the system. The prime chemical in marijuana, THC, hides in fatty tissue. This means that THC can be stored for long periods of time in the body's high-fat organs, such as the lungs, brain and reproductive organs. Alcohol, because it is water-soluble, leaves the body within hours.

This would be an excellent time for your boyfriend to stop using marijuana completely and get retested at a later date.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at rwallace@galesburg.net. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Comments

7 Comments | Post Comment

LW1: I'm not an attorney, but I'd like to know what the laws are in the LW's state. Since I wonder whether the LW, at age 13, is even allowed to have any say in whom she can live with after a divorce ... or in a situation like this, whether she can stay with her grandparents after her custodial father dies.

Also, since the father is dead and the biological mother still in the picture (and apparently a good mother), could she petition the court for custody?

That's all I have on that one for now.

LW2: I'd suggest that now is the time for the boyfriend to quit marijuana altogether. I wonder if they do allow "second chance" physicals for someone like him, or if it's "one strike and done." I mean, I know Dr. Wallace says, "get retested at a later date," but it's still a little unclear to me.

Comment: #1
Posted by: Bobaloo
Thu Apr 11, 2013 5:57 AM

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Gee, Brian. That was really helpful.

Comment: #2
Posted by: Bobaloo's biggest fan
Thu Apr 11, 2013 7:16 AM

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A month is not a long time when it comes to a divorce. I recommend spending more time with your mother, wait and see what happens with and do not move in with her until you are sure it could work out. Even then, be sure that you have the option to return to your grandparents if necessary.

The fact that your mother didn't offer to take you in after your father's death concerns me. It could have been her husband who, for now, is out of the picture. But, as I said, a month isn't a long time. If they should reconcile, you could find yourself in need of a place to stay again.

Comment: #3
Posted by: Wordsworth
Thu Apr 11, 2013 7:33 AM

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Some family decisions don't need to be decided by the court. It seems to me that this family is a well-functioning family that respects each other. The grandparents are supportive of the granddaughter to make her own decision, and of the relationship between her and her mother. The mother has chosen to ask to grow the relationship with her daughter, and it seems to me that she waited until after the divorce because it may not have been ideal to have her daughter and husband living in the same house. No one is described as demanding or manipulative.
The courts can offer guidance and help families realize what is in the best interests of the parties, but they sometimes are not necessary.

Comment: #4
Posted by: Bobaloo who?
Thu Apr 11, 2013 8:44 AM

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Re: Bobaloo who? (#4)

I just raised the question, not that this necessarily had to be settled by the courts. I saw nothing, FWIW, that suggested there was any ill feelings between the mother and her ex-in laws. I also know nothing about child custody issues, which is why I asked.

Comment: #5
Posted by: Bobaloo
Thu Apr 11, 2013 11:41 AM

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I disagree with the good doctor today. LW's been fortunate to live in a stable home provided by loving grandparents who unselfishly opened their home to their son and his daughter, and who have shown their unselfishness and maturity in telling her they are open to her choosing to live with her mom...even though her presence in their home after the son's tragic death must be a huge comfort to them.

Parenting adolescents is stressful even for happily married couples. Mom is dealing with the guilt of having abandoned her 6 YO for a new romance, and trying to recover her emotional equilibrium after a recent divorce. I don't doubt that Mom loves LW, but I don't believe she is able to be the emotional rock her daughter needs right now. Given the amount of turmoil LW has undergone in her young life, I believe she needs the most stable home life possible.

So why rush? Why not have LW continue to live with the grandparents, while gradually increasing the amount of time she stays with her mother? If she's been "seeing" Mom twice a week since Dad's death, have her "stay" with mom two weekends a month, and on school vacations. They may eventually reach the point where LW is staying more with Mom than the grandparents... and that's fine. As the grandparents continue to age, they may find their energy and physical capability less suited to child-rearing.

I must say, though, I'm really touched to see a letter where the writer has two loving homes eager to take her in, and adults who care enough about her to remain involved in her life.

Comment: #6
Posted by: hedgehog
Thu Apr 11, 2013 6:47 PM

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Re: hedgehog
I agree totally about two homes loving her enough and that there is a lot of maturity on display here.
I guess for me, leaving my legal question from earlier out of this, I'd say ... you've got to decide what you want. Sorry, but that's the best that I can do.

Comment: #7
Posted by: Bobaloo
Thu Apr 11, 2013 7:27 PM

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Return to Your Birth Mother

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