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If Your Boyfriend Changes, It Might Be Worse
DR. WALLACE: Alan and I have been dating for about five months. For the first three months, things were wonderful. I thought I had found the perfect guy. Jeff is very handsome and a good athlete. He has a great sense of humor and is a very bright guy and treated me with respect.
Then all of a sudden he changed. He started saying bad things to me and used filthy language. I can't begin to tell you all the nasty things he said about me. Saying that I was a filthy pig was one of his nicer comments.
I keep waiting for him to get out of this funk, but it hasn't happened so far. At one time, a few months ago, I thought that I was falling in love with him. Now I think that love has faded. Still, somewhere in my mind, I get the feeling that if I stop seeing him, he will change and some other girl will wind up with a wonderful guy. Help! —Nameless, Jacksonville, Fla.
NAMELESS: My guess is that the "real" Jeff emerged after several months because he was secure enough in the relationship to believe you were his. I advise you to stop seeing him immediately. He has crossed the line and violated all respect. Chances are if he does change it will be for the worse — possibly into a full-fledged abuser.
Jeff's next girlfriend will no doubt also think she's getting a wonderful guy, but believe me it won't last. He may need psychiatric help.
IT'S OK TO BE A VEGETARIAN
DR. WALLACE: I am an active 14-year-old girl. For the past several months, I have avoided animal products, including all kinds of meat and cheese. I'm not a 100 percent vegan because, occasionally, I'll have a bit of ice cream for certain occasions.
My aunt has told my parents that being 99 percent vegan is not healthy for a growing teen. Our P.E. teacher told our class about the advantages of avoiding animal products, so I asked her again about teens becoming vegetarians, and she said avoiding animal products is helpful, not harmful. Do you know if this is true or not? —Nameless, Nashville, Tenn.
NAMELESS: A well-balanced diet void of meat, but one that includes plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables, including leafy greens, whole grains and legumes, is perfectly appropriate for growing teens, according to Suzanne Havala, a nutritionist for the Vegetarian Resource Group (www.vrg.org). All information released by the group has the approval of medical doctors and nutritionists.
YOUR MOTHER WILL BE YOUR BEST FRIEND
DR. WALLACE: I'm 19 years old and was dating a guy who is 22. He was constantly telling me how much he loved me and how beautiful I was, especially during romantic moments.
Now I don't see him any more because he refuses to return my calls and emails because I'm pregnant. I don't want an abortion, but I don't know what to do. My parents don't know about my situation, and I'm afraid to tell them. Please help. —Nameless, El Paso, Tex.
NAMELESS: Your parents will find out sooner or later that you are pregnant, so have the courage to tell them immediately. After the first moment of hurt, your mother will know exactly what to do, and she will be your best friend through this.
You cannot handle your problem by yourself. There are so many things to discuss and things to do that the sooner you start, the better for everyone.
Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at rwallace@galesburg.net. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2013 CREATORS.COM 
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11 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1: About what Dr. Wallace recommends Alan is not going to change for the better.
I just wonder what it'd be like if, after you tell him the relationship is over, you told all the girls at school (except maybe the most undesirable ones, and I'll get to that point in a second) that he is a controlling, manipulative loser?
Then, he be forced to turn to someone less desirable IF he wants a girlfriend and might just learn something from her about respect and manners and treating someone right. Or in the very least, get counseling and find out what's at the root of his growing misogynic behavior.
LW2: Wonder where your aunt got her information from? I know, the school of "I made it up" or what she'd say is her religious beliefs. Anywhere but from a source based in fact. Look you've made your decision and she disagrees with it. So screw your aunt. If I were her parents, I'd tell her to butt out and if she doesn't like it, you don't have to associate with her. It'd be her loss.
LW3: Please, go to your parents for their guidance.
And do consider adoption if you don't think you can raise the baby. As for your boyfriend ... forget him. It's just like the letter in today's Annie's column the guy is a playboy, a cheat, a con man, irresponsible, a liar and an asshole who's just in the relationship for show, leaving you his mark and to learn the hard way that some men are just like this. (The only good thing is he didn't marry you under any false pretenses, then bluff his way through an explanation when asked why things had changed so he could continue his lifestyle.)
Comment: #1
Posted by: Bobaloo
Wed Mar 27, 2013 6:59 AM
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LW2, Please do some research for yourself before you decide on your diet. It won't take you long to find out that a vegan lifestyle leaves you short on B12. Some people have differing metabolic types and can completely compromise their health with a totally vegan diet. Do you have input in the family food budget and can you buy supplemental B12? If so, you might be able to make sure you get enough necessary nutrients, but unless your family is on board totally, you are going to be left missing some critical nutrients. I often agree with Bobaloo, but not this time. I'm an auntie who cares for her neices and nephews. I don't "butt" in; I simply love them enough to say something.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Danielle
Wed Mar 27, 2013 8:27 AM
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You will be missing iron on that vegan diet. This affects your whole body and you may have a deformed child if you're able to get pregnant at all.In addition your lck of calcium will affect your bones for your entire life. Please see a nutricianist who isn't on the vegan gravy train.
Comment: #3
Posted by: retired
Wed Mar 27, 2013 12:32 PM
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Danielle (#2) and retired (#3):
Look, I'm a meat eater and wouldn't dare venture into virtual vegan territory myself.
That said, I think what's at issue here is not so much what the LW's diet-to-be may or may not include, but the fact that the aunt gave unsolicited advice. The LW, if she does the research (and for the record, THAT'S good advice), will probably find out some of the things you mention (e.g., lack of B12, iron) and what she may or may not be able to do to replace it in the diet.
But, it is her choice. She's the one choosing to be a vegan, and like it or not, the aunt has to accept.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Bobaloo
Wed Mar 27, 2013 1:51 PM
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Why does Dr. Wallace always advise readers to tell their parents of their pregnancy even when they say they can't/don't want to? Doesn't Dr. Wallace understand that many parents will beat up or disown their children for this, or maybe kick them out of the house and leave them homeless? Unfortunately, in many cases, it just isn't SAFE for a teen to tell her parents of her pregnancy. When I was in high school ten years ago, I had many friends who lived in homes like this.
The LW writer said she was AFRAID to tell them! And Dr. Wallace's response is "After the first moment of hurt, your mother will know exactly what to do, and she will be your best friend through this." Wow! What world is he living in??? He may be right but there's a HUGE chance he's wrong!
What he should tell her is that she's 19 and an adult. She should work on becoming independent and finding her own living arrangements, even if it means staying with a friend. If she's afraid of what her parents will think or do when they hear she's pregnant, she should find alternative living arrangements and move out BEFORE telling mom and dad.
Also, she should contact a lawyer. Her boyfriend doesn't have to talk to her or date her, but he is financially responsible for this child.
Comment: #5
Posted by: jjmg
Wed Mar 27, 2013 4:49 PM
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Re: jjmg (#5)
So what you're telling me is that she comes from a dysfunctional home, with (possibly) an alcoholic father and harried mother who would flip out and the instant LW1 (who BTW is, at age 19, an adult) announces her pregnancy and that the baby's father is MIA.
While that MAY be true ... do consider that Dr. Wallace is giving the parents some slack ... that they are loving and caring and, although there will be shock and some angry questions (i.e., "How could you do this?") in the end they will show their love and unconditional support. Which is, even though she's 19 and should be looking for work, what she needs.
I will agree that the LW owes it to herself to contact an attorney to consider a paternity suit.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Bobaloo
Wed Mar 27, 2013 7:00 PM
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Re: Bobaloo
I'm guessing that you either didn't read my whole entry or didn't comprehend it, because I absolutely did NOT say that about her parents. I didn't even use the words dysfunctional or alcoholic. What does alcoholism have to do with this??? At 19, she's an adult, and her parents don't have to support her. Legally they can kick her out of the house and leave her pregnant and homeless. I had many friends when I was 18/19 whose parents would have done this, and they came from non-dysfunctional families with parents who were not alcoholics.
The LW said she was afraid to tell her parents. That's a red flag right there. It could be she's overreacting, but it could also be she's scared for a good reason. We don't know and neither does Dr. Wallace. Dr. Wallace assumes that her mother will be her "best friend" in the situation. He should never make assumptions, especially when the LW says she is afraid. Her parents may be loving and supportive, or they may not be.
I have seen many other letters in this column like this where he gives the same answer and I think it's a poor choice. There was a family in the news a couple years ago because the father murdered his daughter when he found out she was pregnant out of wedlock. It is sometimes better for teens NOT to tell their parents of their pregnancy and Dr. Wallace should take this into consideration when he writes his column. THAT was the point I was trying to make, not that this specific teen's parents are dysfunctional alcoholics.
Comment: #7
Posted by: jjmg
Thu Mar 28, 2013 4:19 AM
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Nonsense about the iron. Good sources include kale, spinach, cocoa, and sesame meal.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Carla
Thu Mar 28, 2013 8:39 AM
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Am I the only one who is confused?
The first letter says Alan and she have been dating for 5 months and then she says Jeff is handsome and blah blah blah. Who is Alan? Her ex that she dropped for Jeff or a failed attempt to hide the real bf's name?
Comment: #9
Posted by: JustBecause
Thu Mar 28, 2013 8:49 AM
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Re: JustBecause (#9)
After I posted and saw the column again this morning (checking for responses), I do see there is a little proofreading error here.
I'll assume his "intended" first name is Alan. That said, if his real name is Jeff and Jeff sees this letter, I shudder to think what might happen ... besides the obvious that Jeff will be exposed, and very angry with the LW.
jjmg (#7)
Yes, I did read your response. So what you're telling me is that parents in a non-dysfunctional family will completely go off the deep end and beat her up, kick her out of the house and leave her to fend for herself.
Yes, the LW did say she was afraid. Put yourself in her shoes ... even if you had two loving parents, wouldn't YOU be scared and frightened about how they'd react, especially after YOU'VE had a bad breakup with your boyfriend ... possibly have no job and may barely be going to college?
The instance you cited about the father murdering his daughter for getting pregnant out of wedlock lots of questions and hypotheticals here:
1. Did she tell him, or did he find out through other means?
2. What were the circumstances for her getting pregnant (rape, incest, just two kids "fooling around")? And did he "blame" her if it was the rape or incest?
3. Was he an alcoholic who also was physically abusive and had an anger management problem?
4. What was the family situation like? Was it like "Father Knows Best" (loving supportive parents, but this time the normally meek, mild-mannered father completely loses his self-control and takes it out on her) or "Family Guy" (where Peter and Lois don't give a fat damn)?
5. (And most importantly) How common is this reaction?
Yes, at 19 she should be on her own and the parents do NOT have to support her. That much I agree with. However, she is still their child and they do owe it to her to at least provide love and emotional support and guidance as she handles what I am sure is a troubling, scary time.
If she is trepid about facing her folks, she should get a trusted adult friend a pastor, a teacher, her boss, etc. and have her help her out.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Bobaloo
Thu Mar 28, 2013 10:00 AM
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MOST pregnant teens are afraid of telling their parents, if for no other reason than disappointing them.
MANY pregnant teens have parents who will, after that first disappointment, rally and help make sure their daughter gets the medical care she needs and help her sift through the various options. These parents would indeed be their daughter's best resource
SOME teens though, have parents who will not be their best friend; who will throw them out of the house and call them names, and possibly become physically abusive.
That's why jjmg is correct; you can't advise someone in that situation when you have no idea what her parents are like. (Just like you can't advise a gay teen to come out at home--it may not be safe for him to do so.) Dr. Wallace very much wants to believe that all teens live with parents who are mature and wise and fair... but some of the letters he's published proves that this is not always true.
LW would do well to consider realistically what kind of parents she has and how they've reacted before when she's let them down. And she needs to do this before it becomes obvious that she is pregnant, so she has time to line up alternate income, housing, resources. OTOH, if LW is afraid only that she's going to make her mom cry and/or lecture her, and nothing more, then yeah, she needs to get over that and tell NOW so that Mom can help her sort through options.
Comment: #11
Posted by: hedgehog
Sat Mar 30, 2013 12:05 PM
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