I Hope Your Conscience Still Bothers You by Dr. Robert Wallace on Creators.com

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I Hope Your Conscience Still Bothers You

DR. WALLACE: I'm 14 and recently was told by my mom and dad that they are not my birth parents. I was really shocked. I love these two people very much, but I strongly despise my birth mother who didn't love me enough to keep me, so she gave me away to a couple of strangers. Some teens want to find their birth mothers and even fathers, but I'm not interested in the least.

To all mothers out there who gave their own flesh and blood away to strangers, I hope your conscience still bothers you. I feel abandoned! —Nameless, Moline, Ill.

NAMELESS: There are many reasons why a mother gives up her baby to a loving couple. Almost always, she does it because she loves the infant deeply, but knows she cannot care for him or her properly. Seldom does a birth mom lightly "abandon" her flesh and blood.

Please read the following letter from a woman who was adopted. Her message may cause you to rethink your feelings about your birth mother.

DR. WALLACE: I want to express my admiration for all the mothers who had the love and courage to give their babies up for adoption so the child would have a better chance at life.

I was adopted as an infant (I'm now 24, with a family of my own), and I thank the Good Lord daily for the wise decision my birth mother made when she placed me up for adoption to a loving husband and wife. Having a baby of my own, I finally understand how much my birth mother loved me and how difficult it must have been to make that choice. My adoptive parents gave me the kind of family that my birth mother wished for me — a home full of love, stability and nurturing.

I want to assure my birth mother that her decision to allow me to be loved by adoptive parents was the right one. I ask the Lord to bless my birth mother and father for their love, courage and compassion. My birth mother gave the promise of a happy life to me and to the couple who couldn't otherwise have a baby. That unselfish love is the essence of life. How extraordinary; how beautiful! —Meghan, Lake Mary, Fla.

MEGHAN: Thanks for your sincere and encouraging letter. It will bring joy and peace to the lives of the many young women who have given their children to loving, adoptive parents.

YOUNG MARRIAGE CAN SUCCEED

DR. WALLACE: I read your column about the 19-year-old boy marrying the 16-year-old girl. I hope it works out for them, but I agree with you regarding young marriages. Your advice to wait until the girl was 18 and out of high school was excellent advice.

My husband was 18, and I was 16 when we married, and that was seven years ago. We've had our problems, but we love each other very much. I don't regret marrying him, but when I think of the many things that I missed in high school, including the prom and graduation, I sometimes wish we had waited a few more years.

We are looking forward to our 3-year-old daughter going to school dances, proms, graduation parties and, hopefully, college, before she says, "I do." —Nameless, Talladega, Ala.

NAMELESS: Thanks for sharing your experiences with us. The important thing is that you have a happy marriage. For that, I am delighted.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at rwallace@galesburg.net. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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LW1: You are 14 and you just found out that you were adopted. Your parents were wrong to keep this from you all this time. You have strong feelings and you are right to be freaked out by it and angry. It's a big thing. But it's always been true, for all 14 years of your life. The only thing that has changed is that now you know.

Many, many other people have been through this same thing as you. Find them and let them help you. You might want to find your birth parents some day. It's okay if you don't think you ever will right now. For now, take the time to wrap your head around it. Good luck to you.

Comment: #1
Posted by: LouisaFinnell
Sat Apr 27, 2013 1:00 AM

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LW1, I can't believe that parents are STILL waiting to tell their children that they are not their biological parents until they are teens. Perhaps they thought that you were mature enough to deal with it at age 14.

Now, put yourself in your birth mother's shoes. You're age 14, pregnant, scared to tell anyone, and don't want to get an abortion. Perhaps your parents kicked you out of the house when they found out you were pregnant and you had trouble finding a place to sleep every night. Maybe your family members didn't kick you out, but they are all drug-addicted and clearly won't be able to provide any financial help for the baby. Would you really want these people caring for your newborn while you go to school and try to find a job to support your baby?

I used to be an adoption social worker about fifteen years ago. The things we had potential adoptive parents go through was unreal, and really unfair when you consider that other couples had to do nothing more than have sex to get a baby. Interviews with family members and friends, home visits, criminal history background checks, proof of income and assets for the last five years, more home visits, medical history of them and all family members, psychological testing.....it was ridiculous. But adoptive parents were willing to do this and more if it meant the possibility of becoming parents. And all were willing to meet with the birth parent(s) as many times as it took for the birth parents to know that the potential adoptive parents were perfect for the baby.

And the day that the birth mother had to watch the adoptive parents walk out the hospital with their newborn that she just gave birth to was the worst part of my job. All of the reports and pictures from the adoptive parents did little to help with that horribly empty feeling she had of not having her "flesh and blood" with her. It takes an incredible act of love and bravery to make an adoption plan for a baby.

Comment: #2
Posted by: Siege
Sat Apr 27, 2013 6:41 AM

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LW1: I think you're being a little too harsh and unfair with your birth mother, to put it mildly.

Do you know her circumstances, or what she went through when making the decision to adopt you? How do you even know she had "hate," "thoughtlessness," whatever it is you're accusing her of on her mind when she decided to give you up for adoption.

I'd bet there's A LOT you don't know about your birth mother or why she did what she did. Either way, you now have two parents who thought enough of you to adopt you, give you a roof and all the things you need, and to help nurture and guide you, to be a parent and to be your strongest advocate and confidant ... all that good stuff. Be thankful you have that.

Someday, when you're emotionally ready, I'm sure your parents – if they know – will share with you how it was with your birth mother and perhaps give you insight as to why she did what she did. It's like Siege said – your birth mother likely had a lot of courage to admit she couldn't take care of you and wanted what was best for you. Or possibly, she was deathly ill with one of those illnesses that affects pregnant women – e.g., preeclampsia – and with the biological father not available, you were put up for adoption.

Be god-damned thankful for the two people in your life who gave you your life so far. Even if they aren't your biological parents, my goodness, they love you so damn much. So have your cry – sounds like you need it – to get your anger and shock out of your system.

And then someday, when you're ready, ask the questions. If your birth mother wants to be found and/or is alive, and if you've changed your mind about wanting to find her, then it'll be up to you to decide whether to find her and then reunite.

Comment: #3
Posted by: Bobaloo
Sun Apr 28, 2013 12:25 PM

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It's obvious the birth mother really dodged a bullet with that one. Ungrateful and selfish brat.

Comment: #4
Posted by: Miz
Mon Apr 29, 2013 3:53 PM

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Re: Miz (#4)

Now, now ... I don't think the first LW was an "ugrateful and selfish brat." I do think she's (and this assumes the LW is a she) in shock and trying to let the truth about her background sink in.

And again, how do we even know that the birth mother is even alive these days, or in a state where she can care for any child? I thought about this after the fact, but the mother being "mentally incompetent" (e.g., retarded, which I know is not a word we're allowed to use anymore, but ... ) isn't totally out of the realm of possibility. She (the birth mother) dodged NO bullet here, even if she were the "scared teenager."

Comment: #5
Posted by: Bobaloo
Tue Apr 30, 2013 6:18 AM

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I Hope Your Conscience Still Bothers You

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