I Get a Twinge of Self-Consciousness by Dr. Robert Wallace on Creators.com

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I Get a Twinge of Self-Consciousness

DR. WALLACE: I'm 20 and dating a super guy. We met at a mutual friend's birthday party a year ago, and it was love at first sight. I honestly believe that someday, after we finish college, we'll get married. This guy is the answer to every girl's dream. He has a wonderful personality and a great sense of humor and is highly compassionate. He is also handsome, intelligent and plays the piano beautifully.

Some of my friends and family members make snide remarks about his height. I'm 5 feet 8 inches tall, and he measures out at 5 feet 6 inches tall. They overlook his wonderful qualities and focus on his height.

Jerry is aware that people make comments about me being taller, but it doesn't bother him. He even insists that I wear high heels when we dress up for a date. However, I'm the one who feels self-conscious.

Will I eventually get over this very stupid feeling? When we're alone, I never feel this way. It's only when we're in public and I think people are staring at us, or when a family member or friend makes an insensitive remark, that I get a twinge of self-consciousness. —Nameless, Portland, Maine

NAMELESS: I'm sorry to hear that a few insensitive idiots are causing you such unnecessary discomfort. When people stare, it's natural to feel self-conscious. Fortunately, your boyfriend is relaxed about it. Now it's your turn to relax. Jerry is a keeper. Be thankful that you will marry him and live happily ever after.

GRANDMA CALLS ME A SKINNY MINNIE

DR.

WALLACE: I'm 16, play soccer and tennis and work hard to maintain a trim, healthy body. I eat properly and exercise daily. I'm 5 feet 4 inches tall and weigh 109 pounds.

My grandmother keeps telling my parents that I look anemic and sickly. That simply is not true. I'm a healthy, vibrant and very happy teenager. I'm getting tired of being called "Skinny Minnie" by my grandmother. My mother is a bit overweight, but my father has a slim build. I'm sure my grandmother makes fun of me because I look more like my father than my mother, who happens to be her daughter.

What can I do to get my grandmother to stop making rude remarks about my body build? My mother has never referred to me as "Skinny Minnie." I hate the word skinny. —Hannah, Magnolia, Ga.

HANNAH: Insulting words can be extremely hurtful, especially when they come from such a close relative. Grandma's rudeness is definitely out of control. Maybe you can defuse it with a sense of humor. For instance, the next time she calls you "Skinny Minnie," just smile and say, "Thanks, Grandmother. I'll take that as a compliment." If this doesn't work, talk to Mom and let her know how deeply such remarks are hurting you.

I'm with you regarding the word "skinny." It's mean-spirited and should be replaced with "slim" or "slender."

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at rwallace@galesburg.net. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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6 Comments | Post Comment

Slim Kim? Slender Brenda? ;-)

Like Dr Wallace suggested, ask your mother to intervene. In fact, good advice on both letter!

Comment: #1
Posted by: Miss Pasko
Tue Apr 9, 2013 12:38 AM

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LW1: I think somewhere there must be this perception that men must always be older than the women they marry ... and also be the taller, heavier one. OK, my dad only fit the latter (he was 5-foot-10 compared to my mother's 5-foot-2), but he was nine months younger than mom. Same with my sister – she's two years older than her husband, even though he's more than a foot taller (6-foot-5 vs. her 5-2).

Point being – the stereotypical notion that a man must be older and/or taller/bigger doesn't always go in relationships. Such as it is with height ... the guy that turns the LW on is two inches SHORTER than she is.

C'mon now, your friends are going to complain about THAT? Really. I'd say you're a girl of someone's dreams ... in this case, Jerry. He must have thought of you as that awesomely beautiful young woman that turns him on so, and not necessarily because of you being two measly inches taller than you ... but because you are you!

Let me repeat that – "He likes you for YOU!" Looks, maybe ... but I'd say it's because you've got that personality and that something special that really touched his sweet spot. And you must have agreed that Jerry has that something special, because you're dating him.

Even look at Hollywood and these examples of famous "small" actors whose wives and/or co-stars were taller than them:

• Michael J. Fox (5-foot-4) of "Family Ties" and "Spin City," who before his illness eroded his good looks was touted as one of Hollywood's leading men. His wife, Tracy Pollan – who to boot is a year older than Michael – is 5-foot-6, and they've been married 25 years!
• Danny DeVito – well, OK, both he and Rhea Pearlman are both 5-foot even ... but still, he's done many movies where he's been with decidedly taller women.
• Tom Cruise is 5-foot-7, and each of his former wives were taller than him – Mimi Rogers (5-foot-8 1/2), Nicole Kidman (5-foot-11) and Katie Holmes (5-foot-9).

Look at that – and only one dog in the whole bunch. (BTL'ers, I always thought Rhea Pearlman was never that good looking, but oh well, neither was Danny DeVito.) Each of those actors had marriages to women who were taller than them, and they were all like Jerry ... being the shorter one didn't bother them.

In addition to perhaps not letting your friends' narrow-mindedness get to you, you need to not let it affect your own perception of being the taller one in this relationship. (It sounds like it may be a little bit, at least.) Ignore the stares and ignore the criticism ... and show Jerry what it is to be in that loving relationship!

Whoooooo!!!!!!!

Comment: #2
Posted by: Bobaloo
Tue Apr 9, 2013 7:01 AM

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"Be thankful that you will marry him and live happily ever after."

Really, Dr. Wallace??????

Comment: #3
Posted by: jjmg
Tue Apr 9, 2013 9:43 AM

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LW2: Your stats put your body mass index (BMI) at 18.7. For a girl your age, a healthy BMI is between 17.0 and 24.8. This puts you in the healthy range, even if you're toward the low end. You can point this out to your grandmother, or ask your doctor to put it in a note. Then tell your grandmother that your doctor's word on it is final, and that you don't want to discuss your weight again. Tell her that her words are hurtful, unless you suspect that she enjoys hurting you, in which case, don't give her the satisfaction.

When you become an adult, the low end of the healthy range will be 18.0.

Comment: #4
Posted by: Carla
Tue Apr 9, 2013 12:52 PM

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Bobaloo #2: I don't think Michael J. Fox's good looks have eroded at all due to his illness. In spite of the aging process that hits all of us, he looks exceptionally good. Just sayin'...

Comment: #5
Posted by: Siege
Tue Apr 9, 2013 1:04 PM

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Re: Siege (#2)

I didn't mean my remarks regarding Michael J. Fox to imply that he's in poor shape or on his deathbed. FTR, he's continuing his courageous fight with as much dignity as anyone, and he deserves to be applauded.

Comment: #6
Posted by: Bobaloo
Tue Apr 9, 2013 3:27 PM

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I Get a Twinge of Self-Consciousness

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