'Tween 12 and 20 by Dr. Robert Wallace

Dr Wallace is right. You broke the rules. Just because you decided to "try out" a "friends" cigarette, you did it on school grounds and you got caught. Man up and take responsibility for your actions. Is it harsh, yeah, I think a one year ban on sport is a harsh, but they are the rules and punishment your school administration agreed on. You're not going to have daddy there to bail you out every time you do stupid stuff. Learn from this and move on.

Some tough lessons today, for sure. One gets a soft line, however, and the other the gloves come off.

The soft line comes on LW1 – and that's the lesson derived from the accident itself, with always being mindful of the rules of the road and that someone (her friend) paid with his life. What a horrible price, and one that I hope no one ever has to pay ever again.

Definitely my sympathies to you and the boy's family.

Now with that out of the way – just wait, LW2, I'm getting to you, don't worry about that – yeah, I understand that everyone, even children and teen-agers grieve differently. Yours apparently hit you very hard and suddenly, so much so you couldn't bring yourself to attend his funeral. There is apparently still lots of pent-up grief and related feelings still inside you.

The first thing you may want to do is talk to your counselor or pastor and have him/her suggest a good grief support counselor. There's a lot you need to release. Once that's done, explain to your friends the situation and that things are OK. Then, if nothing's been done already, you might want to find a way to pay tribute to your friend; just ask a teacher and/or principal and definitely the boy's family for ideas.

Most importantly, remember the good times ... that's the big thing. He'll always be a part of you, even if all you did was dated a couple of times. Remember his good traits, what made him tick even ... and become stronger for it.

OK, LW2, you're up ...

The other day, I took a hard stand against the teen-ager who wrote in complaining about being punished and not being allowed to see her boyfriend because they snuck out together. I had suggested that while she knew she was being punished, she did not truly understand WHY she was being punished and that there were other prices to pay (i.e., loss of trust, the possibility that she may have to tell her boyfriend goodbye forever due to the very high probability that the parents will not relent on that part of the punishment).

I see the same thing here – a teen-ager who broke a school rule and is paying a severe consequence, yet he doesn't truly understand WHY he was punished or given the consequences (likely in line with the policy that applies to everyone else). After all, it wasn't HIS cigarette, was it?

Well, maybe not when the first kid lit it and began smoking it ... but when that kid ducked into the bathroom – perhaps because HE knew a teacher was coming and wanted to avoid suspension himself – and handed the lighted cigarette to the unwary LW, it became his (the LW's) cigarette. Even if he hadn't taken a drag on it, he would have been in trouble for smoking.

So he gets his punishment and – because he was an established athlete – is ineligible for any athletics for one year. So he goes home complaining to his father, claiming that his punishment was unfair and that he was sorry and that the cigarette wasn't his (again, not so – it WAS YOURS once your "friend" handed it to you and he fled the scene) and so forth, and he threatens to sue to have him reinstated.

Well, here's my take: Most high schools that I know of (and I'm going to hazzard a guess that this included the LW's school) has a little brochure called an athletic policy that the student athletes are asked to read before agreeing to participate. This handy-dandy brochure outlines specific rules and other expectations ... plus consequences if those rules are not followed (i.e., broken).

Now that said, Mr. LW – you said that you were suspended for (OMG) one year. OK, yes, I agree that is a bit harsh ... except does this policy apply to all suspensions? Which, if you read your policy brochure and it said that in plain language, you would have known that. (Even if you just signed it and didn't actually read it, or you just scoffed at it as you gave your autograph on the dotted line, it is assumed you knew or should have known the rules.) If you read your policy brochure, or even if you didn't, I also ask, was this punishment more severe because of what you did that got you suspended ... and is this even your first time you've been deemed ineligible ... for any reason? (The latter is asked not necessarily because of the severity of his actions; a smoking-related suspension could well justify a one-year suspension from sports. I ask because many policies – including state athletic association ones – have progressive-step policies regarding ineligibility, starting at, for instance, one third of the sports season, then the entire season and so forth.)

So I dunno, man. It seems like you got caught, that your school's policy is clear and that you seem to be sulking "because it wasn't my cigarette." I'd say if you truly understood WHY you were being punished and the gravity of your actions, you wouldn't be writing for an opinion you probably already got from your principal, coach and teachers.

I think what Dr. Wallace said is pretty sage advice – you broke a rule, now learn from it and don't do it again. And reflect on yourself and who you associate with. Apparently, the friend that handed you the cigarette – and let's face it, it was so HE could avoid punishment – is no friend of yours.

Sorry this is a long-winded lecture, but this is what I see all too often with this column – teen-agers being punished and not understanding why, only for Dr. Wallace to give the same assessment they've already heard. I know learning from a tough consequence can be a bitch – I've done that myself from my teen-aged years – but it makes you a better person and not so willing to break the rules again.

LW1: Write that note Dr. Wallace suggested. You don't need to apologize for, or mention, not going to the funeral. They had a turnout there that let them know at that moment how many people mourned their loss with them. Now you have a chance to show that, although the funeral is over, other people besides the family miss their son.

It may be difficult to write that letter and share your warm memories of him, but please believe me, you have NO idea how much it will mean to them. Sharing those memories is a way that lets them experience their son's life through new eyes, and reiterates that he mattered to people besides them. You will feel better for having connected with them; they will appreciate that you took the time.

I'd suggest that even if you had gone to the funeral BTW -- funerals by their nature are hard for a family to get through and to absorb those kinds of memories. But it's even more important to you now.

LW2: Oh, honey. School attendance in the summer isn't mandatory? Really?

It is when you're trying to make up a failing grade so you can continue playing sports. Right? The school didn't force you to go; you CHOSE to go, which means you continue to abide by their rules and policies.

I do think the 1 year ineligibility is harsh. But, kiddo, you were already on thin ice as it was. You owed it to yourself to make sure you were following all rules to the letter so you could continue athletic competition for your school. You didn't. Learn from this tough lesson and start making better decisions.

Re: hedgehog (#3)

Re LW2: Actually, I didn't even think about the decision in and of itself to attend summer school to make up a failing grade, for which you are correct – to maintain his eligibility (his school's athletic policy brochure would also have spelled this out, which remember he would have needed to sign if he wanted to play) he would have had to go to summer school.

I think during his year of ineligibility, he also needs to maintain his grades and can now concentrate on this.

And also remember that a future run-in with breaking school rules could – depending on his past (remember, I had asked him if he'd been in trouble before that cause him to be ineligible) – bar him for the rest of his high school days.

LW1: Also like the idea of writing a letter, which admittedly I didn't think of.

There is no reason to include "popular student athlete" in the letter at all. Someone died and thats sad and significant all by itself. His life isen't any more of a lost because he was the star quarterback.

Chris McCoy -- of course "popular student athlete" doesn't mean his life was more valuable than that of anyone else... or that its loss was any more tragic And I say that as mother of a popular student athlete..

However, *I* appreciated LW including it, because it helped me picture the scene at the funeral -- there were a LOT of people there paying tribute. Which means it's extremely unlikely that the young man's parents had much chance to look around and notice she wasn't there; they had a steady stream of people offering condolences and memories, which was gratifying for them.

That meant the LW's absence was not conspicuous as it would have been if he'd been more of an introvert who socialized with three or four good friends. A grieving family appreciates everyone who makes time to come pay respects, but LW need not worry that they were looking specifically for HER and wondering at her absence, so she need not feel guilty if she reaches out to them in another way, such as a letter.

If Dr. Wallace is going to write these letters himself or reuse old letters from decades ago, he should change the lingo. FIrst of all, high school girls don't call their boyfriends/guy friends "fellows." Secondly, nowadays, and ten years ago when I was a child, teenagers don't call it dating when they aren't a couple. It's just hanging out with an opposite sex friend.

Re: jjmg (#7)

Can I ask – how do you know that this letter possibly could be from "decades" ago? I don't think he's even been around 50 years, much less 30.

Lighten up – the LW (already in a grief-stricken state) used the word "fellow." So what?

Mr. McCoy ($5) – BTW, do I know you from another board? Just asking.

Anyway – Being in the newspaper industry, it's common practice to say whether someone was really popular ... readers appreciate that, hedgehog did and I did. It applies not just to teen-agers ... it can be a vastly influential community leader or pastor or teacher we could be talking about here. It doesn't mean that someone who's homely or keeps to themselves, for instance, would have been valued or mourned any less by the LW if that were the case for her now deceased friend.

That said, I am sure the general response from all of us would be the same no matter what, whether the deceased was a stud athlete (as in this letter) or a hauntingly beautiful homecoming queen/Ms. Everything ... or, on the opposite spectrum, considered to be a "dog" or a "geeky loser" who had few friends and most of their classmates avoided. I know my own response would be almost identical to what I wrote here – start a project to remember your friend, get grief counseling and write a letter to your friend's parents.

Bobaloo, the column actually has been around for decades; I remember it being published in the Galesburg (IL)Register-Mail in the early 1980s. I think it was then called "Twixt Twelve & Twenty" or some such. I believe that was his hometown paper, and I see the email address to contact him is still at Galesburg.net.

I don't know how long ago the column was syndicated, and as I told (jjmg? maybe?) in comments within the last month, I'd expect Dr. Wallace doesn't get a huge volume of letters, for a variety of reasons (which I won't repeat here, but can if anyone's interested).

He does indeed recycle letters. Which isn't usually a problem -- teens only read him for about 6 years, and many of the issues they encounter remain relevant. I do wish someone would do a better job of flagging out-of-date references for him, though. I don't have a problem with "fellow" -- but I do think when the situation is one easily solved by a cell phone (as a few weeks ago), the lapse makes him look less credible.