'Tween 12 and 20 by Dr. Robert Wallace

I understand the first letter completely...except the part where Mom went into the girl's bedroom to get an aspirin. Why is the only place to get an aspirin the daughter's bedroom? I would have thought some would be in the bathroom! Of course, then, Mom wouldn't have found out she was gone. :)

Before you move to Canada, make sure you have an immigrant visa. To get that, you need to be qualified in an occupation that is in demand in Canada. Somehow, I don't think you qualify.

LW1: Well, well ... one of these letters.

First, you say, "I can accept being grounded for one month, but I can't accept that I can't see my boyfriend again." Do you REALLY accept being grounded for sneaking out when you should have been in bed asleep? What on earth were you doing with your boyfriend between 10 p.m. and 2:30 a.m. the next morning? I can only think of a couple of things – and it surely isn't "just talking" or "playing video games." I'll say it outright: Having sex or going to a bar with those fake IDs and getting drunk. (Why else would you be returning home after 2 a.m., which is when – at least in the state where I live – the bars close.)

So, if that indeed was the case, do you realize your parents were probably worried sick about where you were and if you were OK? You don't say how old your boyfriend is, but if he's old enough and you got pregnant, he could be in a world of legal trouble and face life-long consequences (right or wrong). If you and your boyfriend were out drinking (also or not), you could have gotten into a deadly accident. (And then your mom's migraine gets 100-percent worse as now she and your dad might have gotten a call from the hospital asking them to identify your body.)

So again, I ask – DO you really understand why you are grounded for a month and told not to see your boyfriend again? Perhaps the month-long restriction is to get your mind off of him and get you to realize he is not the type of boy you need to be seeing and for you to understand your parents' view of him. (Perhaps they had that thought of him -- i.e., someone they disapproved of and was every bit of capable of corrupting their daughter -- in the first place, and if so, they would likely tell you this, even though you don't say as much.)

So if he's still on your mind after the month-long punishment, yes, do bring it up. But understand that even if they are in a good mood, they may not be willing to negotiate one bit. They may not like his values, his lack of respect for adults, his morals, anything about him ... and they certainly didn't like the fact that he convinced you to go out on a night on the town, possibly having sex and getting drunk and doing other things. So DO NOT be surprised if they refuse to yield.

The best thing you can do is learn from this experience and try to choose your boyfriends more wisely. The reason you had a curfew is because they want you to be safe and sound; they wouldn't have grounded you for a month or told you to tell your boyfriend goodbye if they thought otherwise.

Re: Wordsworth (#1)

"I understand the first letter completely...except the part where Mom went into the girl's bedroom to get an aspirin."

I think what the LW was trying to say was that her mother woke up with a headache, went to the BATHROOM to get an aspirin AND THEN went into the daughter's bedroom to check on her.

LW2, Brittania said it well. It you are incapable of doing your own research on the internet, you are not going to be the sort of talent Canada is interested in assimilating. You'll have to zone out down here. While the rest of your generation is moving on up, your conversations will be like "hey man, wanna go get a peanut buster parfait."

LW2: So why is it that you're moving to Canada again? Is it to get a job, because of a friend/your friend ... or because (by what you seem to admit you enjoy doing) you can use marijuana and they have apparently more relaxed laws about it?

Seriously ask yourself those questions and then decide what you want to do.

Wordsworth & Bobaloo -- It's recommended that you don't keep meds in the bathroom -- tends to be too humid.

That said, I have no problem with Mom's reasoning: she awoke, went to get an aspirin, didn't find one, remembered she'd given it to LW last week when LW had a headache, and decided to see if it was on LW's dresser.

Bobaloo, why am I not surprised that your overactive imagination has taken you to drugs and alcohol and can't think of anything else?

LW didn't come home with alcohol on her breath, so let's get that off the table. I am positive her parents would've checked that, and that if it were an issue, she'd have mentioned it. Sex, they can do well before her curfew, as any teen knows, so I doubt that this was the primary reason for sneaking out.

Any 17 YO is entranced with the idea of freedom as represented by wheels that let them go out of town. To a midnight showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show or a film festival. To go visit friends at college. To hear their favorite band at an outdoor festival. Or yeah, just to go play video games at someone else's house. To just be able to GO without asking permission.

What they were doing though, is really outside the scope of this question and thus should be outside the answer. The problem is not WHAT they were doing; it was the fact that LW eroded her parents' trust, and that's something that will take longer than a month to restore. Dr. Wallace got the answer right.

LW needs to be on best behavior, during the month and after. If they don't relent on the boyfriend, then she needs to understand that she's a month closer to being 18 and graduating, and decide whether living at home or away from home (as a responsible, self-supporting adult) is the better choice for her.

LW1-Go ahead and disobey your parents. What are they going to do to you anyway? They can't hit you, because that's assault and you could sue them for everything they have. They can't lock you in your room, because you could get them arrested for unlawful imprisonment and the same thing would happen. They can't refuse to fee/clothe you, and they can't legally throw you out.

LW2-I bet the cops in Canada have better shit to worry about than kids who smoke pot. That's their parents' problem. The cops have to deal with child molesters, human trafficking, child abuse, etc.

Re: hedgehog (#7)

I really have had it with you. No really.

OK, that's off my chest.

I agree that 17 year olds are attracted to freedom. I doubt, however, that she was going to a midnight showing of a movie ("The Rocky Horror Picture Show" was 40-friggin years ago) or going to a college to visit friends (most colleges have curfews/quiet hours) ... . I'll assume that most band festivals – and from what I understand, Vancouver is NOT a hotspot for college fests – require IDs and only permit those under 21 in ... although I did mention "fake IDs."

So why did she not bring up sex or drugs/alcohol? Because no matter what she was doing – clean or not – SHE KNEW SHE WAS IN THE WRONG WITH WHATEVER SHE WAS DOING!!!!! If she didn't come home with alcohol on her breath, I think she would have said as much (e.g., "I don't understand why my parents are so hard on me! I didn't even have anything to drink. I was only doing (whatever)," as though it would help convince the parents who might be reading this to relent).

My point is – no matter what they were doing, THEY DID NOT NEED TO BE TOGETHER!!!! AT ALL!!!!!!!!! At least you and I agree on this.

I'll respond how I wish to respond. If I were writing this advice column, that's exactly what I would have suggested – that they had to be doing "something" – no matter what it is, and same with the fact that the parents may not have approved of the boy in the first place. (Which is another reason to "sneak out" – to see someone you've been told not to see. Even if the LW did not say as much, it is perfectly valid and that's that.)

My answer WAS sane, and in line with Dr. Wallace.

And furthermore, hedgehog (#7):

I still believe the reason she wrote in in the first place was because she does not understand the gravity of her actions (the sneaking out part), which is why she was grounded in the first place ... and why her parents are more strict with her, what with her punishment.

No matter what she was doing – drinking as I suggest or going to a nearby town to engage in revelry (e.g., the college bar, the late-night band festival, which she'll get to enjoy next year anyway) – she just thinks that, "OK, I got there and home safe, nobody got hurt even if my boyfriend and I got drunk, so what? No harm, no foul." (Which is part of why I wrote about drinking – they could have caused an accident and everything. Or someone else could have caused an accident.)

That's the way kids think. That's the way I've observed them and people I've worked with have observed them. Sorry you see some kids differently.

SHE (the LW) is the one that doesn't get it.

As far as your post #6 – I've never heard that advice (about not keeping meds in the bathroom). I think if she needs to keep her medicine somewhere other than the bathroom, then it needs to be in her own room, and if the daughter needs some, just ask and I'll dispense a few tablets.

This one's a correction on my part – the sentence SHOULD read

"I'll assume that most band festivals – and from what I understand, Vancouver is NOT a hotspot for college fests – require IDs and only permit those OLDER than 21 in ... although I did mention "fake IDs."

That one's on me.

One last thing ...

Happy Easter to my friends on BTL and others who post here and celebrate the holiday. BTW – If you don't (i.e., you are of another faith or none at all), then still, my earnest wishes for a joyous day today.

I agree that 17 year olds are attracted to freedom. I doubt, however, that she was going to a midnight showing of a movie ("The Rocky Horror Picture Show" was 40-friggin years ago) or going to a college to visit friends (most colleges have curfews/quiet hours) ... . I'll assume that most band festivals – and from what I understand, Vancouver is NOT a hotspot for college fests – require IDs and only permit those under 21 in ... although I did mention "fake IDs."
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Bobaloo: I'm sorry you've had it with me. But you keep getting yourself in deeper and I am going to point it out!

RHPS still has midnight showings here once a month BECAUSE kids still keep going. My daughter and her friends went regularly 3 to 4 years ago, back before her schedule didn't allow. Point is, though, there are midnight showings of movies, RHPS, Chuck Norris festivals, whatever, because older teens and young adults support them.

Your assumption on festivals is wrong as well. Church festivals and town festivals are outdoor events that are huge fundraisers. Kids go to see their friends performing in bands, local bands or sometimes the national acts. I attended a tiny town's festival last summer with my sister to hear a band; my town hosts a huge festival with 15 or more stages (I've lost count) that books everything from alt to country to rap to pop to oldies. Like fairs, NONE of these require an ID to get in, only to be served alcohol. Kids go to these things; they attract kids from around the area. Huge draw.

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I'll respond how I wish to respond. If I were writing this advice column, that's exactly what I would have suggested – that they had to be doing "something" – no matter what it is, and same with the fact that the parents may not have approved of the boy in the first place. (Which is another reason to "sneak out" – to see someone you've been told not to see. Even if the LW did not say as much, it is perfectly valid and that's that.)

My answer WAS sane, and in line with Dr. Wallace.
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Well, of course you can respond how you wish to respond. I think there's a reason you're not writing this column, though, and it's because your answer was not in line with Dr. Wallace's. Dr. Wallace doesn't leap on every chance to lecture kids about unrelated issues; he didn't bring up extraneous issues like alcohol, sex and the boyfriend's character.
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And furthermore, hedgehog (#7):

I still believe the reason she wrote in in the first place was because she does not understand the gravity of her actions (the sneaking out part), which is why she was grounded in the first place ... and why her parents are more strict with her, what with her punishment.
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You can believe that if you like, but to most teens, being grounded for a month is a Big Deal.

I think Dr. Wallace's reply was better. There's no point in lecturing her about a boyfriend's character when her parents may not even KNOW the boyfriend.
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That's the way kids think. That's the way I've observed them and people I've worked with have observed them. Sorry you see some kids differently.
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Bobaloo, you amaze me with your "that's the way kids think." from your observations and "people I've worked with [who] have observed them."

I'm curious to know how many teens you've parented/step-parented, how many parenting lectures you've attended and how many developmental psychology courses you've taken and parenting magazines you've read. Also how many kids you've worked with professionally and how many hours you've spent volunteering with them.

Because all of that influences my views on "the way kids think."