Sylvia Rimm on Raising Kids by Dr. Sylvia Rimm

Q: My son is a large young man; he "supersizes" everything. Pancakes become Nutella, butter, syrup and whipped cream. Minutes after we eat, he wants to know what the next meal is. As a preschooler, he drew a refrigerator in most of his pictures. He has no control when it comes to food. Thankfully, he is active in sports.

Historically, he was removed from his parents at 4 months old. He went to an overcrowded foster home in a trailer with a single mom who was shut down for having 10 childcare children. He had cranial surgery at 9 months of age and wore a helmet to re-shape his head. We got him soon afterward. We were told he was often left while his parents got drunk and high, and his basic needs weren't met. No one graduated from high school in his biological family. His mother told me she was bi-polar, abandoned by her mother and raised by her aunt. Both parents were chemically dependent.

Our son had counseling about two years ago for three sessions; the therapist thought he was developmentally normal. The reason for initiating it was not directly about food but a combination of his biological dad making contact and the beginning of grades sliding.

There is also that ever-present dark cloud of the entitlement culture. It feels like a weekly tug of war for "more"— a better cell phone, name brands, video game time, etc. He "gets by" in school and will not do any extra work unless he needs to keep his grades up for sports. He is respected and liked by teachers, and he has friends, but he sometimes alienates them by his selfish behavior and comments. He can also be thoughtful and surprise us.

We pick our battles, but we are getting weary. I can't do something gracious (a surprise of clothes or food) because then he expects it again rather than appreciates it. I believe he's lonely as his older siblings are married, and he doesn't initiate inviting friends over. Do you think his problems are related to his bad start or to something else?

A: Most characteristics in children stem from a combination of genetics and environment. Certainly two parents who struggled with the boundaries needed to avoid addictions could have passed on some genetic risks to their son. You didn't mention if either of the parents also had weight issues, which could be part of your son's voracious appetite.

As to those first very difficult months of his life, it's possible, but unlikely that his early, unmet hunger for food could have caused a pattern of a continuous appetite.

It's also possible that his struggle with accepting boundaries stems from the first years after he was adopted. You as parents, and his older siblings, may indeed have felt so terrible for the suffering he experienced that it's possible that you overdid giving him his way to satisfy every wish. Children who push the limits all the time sometimes come from families where they are given too many choices too early or where parents aren't united. A child unites with one parent giving him more power than the other parent and learns not to respect the limits given by the first parent. To summarize my answer to your very difficult question, the problems your son has could stem from either his genetic temperament, terrible early environment, mistakes that happen when parents over-empower a child with too many choices and too much attention or parenting that was not united. Regardless of the cause, his teen years will not be easy.

Yes, you are correct to pick your battles. You will also need to hear him out, but once your decisions are made, you'll have to be absolutely firm. You'll need to be careful not to over-punish him, since that will only cause him to oppose you more. Keeping him active through extracurricular interests and sports will go a long way in building his motivation, rule following skills and even more healthful eating habits (many coaches set dietary expectations for their athletes). If indeed his "big" size and matching appetite become a larger problem, check to find a teen Weight Watchers group in your area. This organization is often helpful in teaching young people to eat responsibly.

For free newsletters about over empowerment leading to underachievement, rescuing the lives of overweight children, raising amazing boys, discipline, and /or parenting with a united front, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope for each newsletter to address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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