Sylvia Rimm on Raising Kids by Dr. Sylvia Rimm

Q: Three years ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer, became septic, and almost died. I'm in remission now, but my kids developed an unhealthy pattern when I was sick that we don't know how to fix. My daughter, age 11, and son, age 8, refuse to sleep in their own beds alone. Every night we end up with kids in bed with us, or us in bed with them. They say they are afraid of something bad happening in the night; they are concerned about someone breaking into the house and hurting us, or a fire. We constantly reassure then they are safe and we would never let anything bad happen to them. We've even secured their bedroom windows with locks, dark curtains, and tall furniture so they can't even see out the windows. Their rooms are well decorated, and they have new bedding. They are perfectly happy to play in their bedrooms, but when night comes, they are both clingy.

We as parents haven't had a night in our home without kids in our bed for years. This has got to change. Please help us figure this situation out.

A: During the time that a parent is very ill, there is so much trauma in the home that it becomes easier to give into any and all child requests, and children can get into difficult habits. They can also feel more fearful than typical. There is nothing quite so scary to children as seeing their parent seriously ill.

As a loving mother thankful for your second chance at life, it must be difficult to set any boundary that starts your children crying. Nevertheless, your children deserve the opportunity to learn to cope with their fears and view themselves as brave and independent. It's time to make that clear to them.

First, you and your husband have to band together and decide that no matter what, you will insist the children sleep in another room because enforcing this decision will take absolutely united parenting. Choose a weekend night to start and explain to the children that their fears are absolutely silly, and they'll never become brave or courageous if they keep sleeping with you.

Eventually, you can point out they need to each sleep alone, but temporarily they can choose to sleep together in one room while they are becoming brave. They can choose to keep a night light on or play quiet music, which makes the night creaks disappear. Tuck them in with your usual hugs and kisses and their favorite stuffed animals, and indicate that they absolutely must stay out of your bed or you will close and lock your door. Also, explain that even if they cry or scream, you will not come to them because you love them so much that you want them to have courage. Finally, promise them a special reward when they both achieve five nights alone without any tears or screaming.

The first night will be the most difficult. I'm guessing your daughter won't even whimper, but she'll probably complain about her brother crying. You can ignore that, as well. It will only take one night before they catch on, but you'll have to be absolutely firm that night, and you may actually have to lock your door with a big sign on it that says, "Parent Privacy — Kids, Keep Out." You could have an intercom in your room just in case anything dangerous happens, although that's unlikely. If you can't stand the pain of their screaming, don't let them come into your room under any circumstances, but you can go in and comfort them briefly. It's possible that they'll bang at your door and fall asleep on the floor outside your door the first night.

Incidentally, once they've learned to be brave and independent, you can invite them to visit your bed again briefly for a thunderstorm, and certainly you can have family bed parties on weekend mornings.

For a free newsletter about fears and fearful children, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope for each newsletter and a note with your topic request to address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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