Sylvia Rimm on Raising Kids by Dr. Sylvia Rimm

Q: How can I handle my son in a divorced situation when he is confrontational with "But DAD SAID ..." Those moments are hard!

My son's dad talks to him like an adult, and I talk to him like a child. Does this confuse him? I've let him win Monopoly and other games. Now I am bringing him down to earth and letting him lose some of the time. I'm worried that my son will be adversely affected by our different parenting.

A: I don't know your son's age, but whatever his age, letting him win all the time is poor training for good sportsmanship. Certainly losing all the time would discourage him from playing, but winning continuously will not prepare him for the world of school or life. If it's a game of skill, he may need a handicap, so he has a fair chance of winning. For instance, giving him a time advantage or more game pieces than you have at the start of the game. It sounds as if you've changed your course, so perhaps you've already realized that your earlier technique could cause future problems of expecting to win all the time.

Now to the more difficult two parts of your divorce problem: First, how do you handle your son manipulating against you with his father's words and secondly, how do you manage the differences between your two different parenting styles?

The "but Dad says" can be responded to like this:

"What Dad says applies to when you're with Dad and what Mom says applies to when you're with me. Mom and Dad have some differences, but since you know we both love you, you can learn the rules in each house even though they're really a little different.

When you become an adult, you'll make more of these decisions for yourself, but for now, letting your smart parents guide you will help you grow up in a good way."

It's possible you don't feel good about your husband, but if you can be respectful of him and vice versa, your son will be a happier, healthier child. Your differences will never totally disappear, but it will be helpful to your son if you can talk through your guidelines and work out some compromises so that he hears united voices despite two separate households. I hope you're reasonably friendly with each other. If you're not, a few sessions with a counselor may assist you in becoming more united in your parenting. For example, if your ex-husband gives your son too many choices, but you don't give him any, you can compromise and decide on the issues where he can make choices and those where he must follow directions. It will help your son develop good habits if your homework, bedtime and morning routines can be reasonably similar. It is more complicated to co-parent through divorce, but it you both keep your son's best interesting mind, it can be done successfully.

For free newsletters about parenting with a united front, and/or parenting after divorce send a self-addressed, stamped envelope and note of topic choice for each newsletter to address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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