Sylvia Rimm on Raising Kids by Dr. Sylvia Rimm

Q: My 4-year-old is over excitable and demands to be the focus of attention constantly. He is perfectly behaved when one-on-one with an adult, but when our 8-year-old child is home, he's in a constant struggle for attention. How do we teach him to share attention before he starts kindergarten?

A: It is more typically first children who struggle with attention addiction, but since your two children are four years apart, it may feel to them almost as if they are two only children. As they get older, the age difference won't seem as great. There are multiple ways that you can teach a young child to share attention and I'm glad you have asked the question while he is still a preschooler.

A first step is to teach him to play alone for a little time each day and praise him for his independence and his ability to keep himself interested and happy. You can praise him directly and also referentially, by mentioning to his dad or grandparent how nicely he's showing concentration and independence. Those words will help him to believe he can manage more time on his own and he will receive his valued attention for doing so.

A second step can come from a private conversation with him where you explain that his brother loves him so much, and he can learn much from a big brother. Also ask him to be a helper to his older brother and explain you'll be watching when he tries to be kind and helpful. You can even make up a secret signal of praise like touching his shoulder or giving him a high-five when you notice that he's nice to his brother. Again, you can leverage the power of referential speaking by talking to an adult within earshot about how nicely the boys are getting along and how well he's learned to share.

To get him ready for kindergarten, be sure to invite a friend over for a play date once or twice a week.

Prepare him before with information on how to share toys and activities and be a good host. Notice their play, so you can give your son helpful advice for future visits and after his friends leave be sure to praise his sharing behaviors.

Most importantly, don't let him hear you talking to other adults about your worries about his over excitabilities and attention addictions or he'll assume he can't do anything about these problems and think they are part of his unchangeable persona. Children are born with different temperaments, but early-childhood attention shapes which characteristics remain as opposed to those that change overtime. Parents' attention is very important and is a powerful tool in encouraging children to be independent, kind, curious and interested. Emphasizing your son's good qualities and de-emphasizing superlatives will give him confidence without pressure. Too many direct or indirect comments about his attention seeking would only increase the problem and discourage him.

For free newsletters about praise, referential speaking, sibling competition, and/or how to parent so children will learn, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope and a note identifying the topic for each newsletter to address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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