Mars and Venus by John Gray

I don't understand . . . does LW1 live in Georgia or Chicago???

I don't read John Gray's column very often -- is he always this pollyanna?

LW1 -- Yes, in a perfect world, the people who love you most (usually this would include your parents) just want you to be happy, and in a perfect world, if the person you eventually marry makes you happy, they would eventually recognize this and accept this. Newsflash: this ain't a perfect world we're living in (whether you live in Georgia or Chicago or somewhere else entirely). You should date whom you wish to date. But you also need to understand that your parents may not like whom you wish to date, and, unlike the Utopia that John Gray lives in, in the real world, it is very possible that your parents will seek to make you (and the woman in question) miserable until you finally give in to their wishes -- or you finally cut them off. This may not happen. It very much depends on how deep-seated your parents beliefs about interracial dating are. At the end of the day, you need to determine how important your parents' approval is to you and whether you can be happy without it -- and, possibly, without them.

LW2 -- The little boy's feelings are not necessarily him mimicking his mother's feelings. He's 6 years old. He likely doesn't understand why mommy and daddy don't still live together and still hopes they will eventually get back together and be one happy family, even if the divorce has been final for several years. But on some level, he does understand that you don't fit into that one happy family equation he is still hoping for. He sees you as a barrier to the outcome he craves, and beyond that, he may well see you as "competition" for dad's affection/attention. At the very least, you are very much a big unknown, of which the one thing he knows is that when dad spends time with you, he is NOT spending time with him. Suggesting that he is upset merely because he knows his mother would be upset is ridiculous and allows you to just blame everything on the ex instead of having a clearer understanding of how delicate and complicated these situations can be, even under the best of circumstances.

So, you are right to be concerned that the ex and/or the son could prevent your relationship from having a real future. Only time will tell. What you need to ask yourself is if you are willing and able to patiently, carefully and thoughtfully navigate these extremely choppy waters, and for how long are you willing to "stand by your man" while he tries to negotiate a truce with his ex and deal with his son's feelings.

One question I have for you: you say that you and Lou have been "inseparable" since that fateful hockey game, but you haven't met his son, of whom he appears to have custody. Caring for a 6-year-old is a full-time job. Just how "inseparable" are you? Who is taking care of Lou's son when he's with you? If you two really are "inseparable" and you have NOT met his son, that means Lou is spending a LOT of time NOT taking care of his son. But we're supposed to believe that he's only upset because he knows his mother would be upset? I don't think so.

Lisa, I think the boy lives with his mother, 2 hours away. Too far for a "week on, week off" custody arrangement; it's much more likely that he has his son 2 weekends a month and on school holidays. But... even the weekends may not be feasible, depending on his work schedule and the boy's schooling.

I don't think it's that unusual that they haven't met yet, despite LW's use of the word "inseparable". My guess is that she's using that word to mean that they're not dating others, not necessarily that they are living together. At least, I HOPE she hasn't moved in yet, out of fairness to everyone.

Also: agree that the little boy isn't simply reflecting back MOM's feelings. John is projecting his whole "Men are from Mars" schtick onto a kindergartener (or first grader)! Kids -- both boys and girls -- do indeed fear that they will be cast aside by a parent's new romantic love. And with good reason,given some of the letters we see in these advice columns.

LW1: You sign yourself "Who Cares?" but you apparently do.

I wouldn't have even bothered answering if you'd indicated that you dated a wide variety of women... or if you were living in a town where you were the only minority, and so Caucasian women represented your only hope for female companionship within a 5-hour radius.

But you're stating a definite preference for women outside your race -- and so it does raise questions about WHY. Are you rejecting your parents on some level? Trying to tick them off and prove they don't have the ultimate say over how you live your life? Do you stereotype women of your own race unfavorably? Is this a subconscious way of trying to prevent a relationship from getting serious?

It may be none of that, of course... but they are questions your parents are definitely asking themselves. You'd do well to think about why you do what you do; self-knowledge is a good thing.