Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John, I have been married to "Henry" for 48 years. We are both over 65. Our marriage always seemed strong, with four lovely children whom we both love dearly. However, 15 years ago, I noticed that Henry was no longer motivated to make love to me. In the meantime, he was working and traveling overseas, and I was alone a lot.

I stupidly thought his lack of passion was due to his work, or a physical limitation, but then I discovered some receipts in the waste basket that made me realize he had at least two other lovers, and how many before, I will never know. When confronted, Henry said yes, and we went through counseling. At every session, he made it clear that he was serious about keeping me as his wife, but that did not stop his continual visits to massage parlors or escort services, even though he was still living with me.

I have had separate counseling and have come to believe that he has a split personality or a sexual fantasy that he cannot admit to me. We have been separated for three years now, yet Henry continues to tell me how much he loves me. Still, I don't believe I can ever trust or respect him again. —Disgusted, in Ann Arbor, Mich.

Dear Disgusted,

What he did was wrong, and it hurt you deeply. But, from what you write, there is obviously still a deeply felt love between you.

The reason for his infidelity may have to do with his own fears of losing his virility. His subsequent liaisons were his way of seeking to regain the sexual desire or potency he feels he now lacks. When you found out about this and agreed to counseling, he assumed you'd accept his diversions, and it would not affect your marriage.

You have two choices. First, you can ask him to rejoin you in a faithful, passionate relationship. If he is concerned about his sexual performance, he should discuss that with his doctor. For this choice to work, you must first regain your trust. That won't be easy. In fact, his actions will be his proof of fidelity and allow you to face your fear to trust him again.

Or, second, if he won't recommit, and you cannot live with him without that trust, consider making your current separation permanent, which would allow you to move on with your life in a manner that does not burden you with resentment or regrets.

Dear John, My boyfriend of six years broke up with me and began seeing someone else, but now he's cheating on that relationship with me! I ask him if we will someday get back together, and he says that right now, he doesn't know. I know we still love each other, so what exactly does it mean when he says he doesn't know? Is that a "yes," or "no"? —Committed to an Uncommitted in Lake Charles, La.

Dear Committed to an Uncommitted, It means just that: He doesn't know, and he's not going to make a commitment right now, so don't read more into it than you should. Besides, why should he? He's got the best of both relationships — with your tacit approval.

My advice: If you really want a committed, exclusive relationship, stop seeing him until he is willing to give you what you want.

2013 John Gray's Mars Venus Advice. Distributed by Creators Syndicate. John Gray is the author of "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus." If you have a question, write John in care of this newspaper, or by email at: www.marsvenus.com. All questions are kept anonymous, and will be paraphrased.

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