Dear Margo: It seems that lately my fiancee and I can't stop arguing about petty things that invariably turn into huge rows.

I had a problem with her allowing her cat to remain on the bed while we were trying to have some "private time."

I found a cat at the foot of the bed to be a mood killer. She blew up and said I wasn't considering the cat's feelings and that it was a person, too.

She tends to have a negative attitude about spending time with my family, acting like it's a chore. Never mind that my family is about as well-balanced and loving as they come; whereas, if you want to talk about a chore, there is always her alcoholic father and insane siblings.

She often shows a lack of respect that friends, both hers and mine, have pointed out. I stay with her in the hopes that things will get better and the arguments will stop, but at the same time a part of me doesn't want to gamble the rest of my life on the odds that she'll realize the error of her ways and suddenly stop blowing up over silly things.

Is this rational, or should I just cut my losses and enjoy the rest of my young-adult life pursuing greener pastures? — Andrew

Dear And: Well, the thing is, a cat's not a person, it's a cat. It can feel like a friend, but it's still a cat. And following her logic, would she permit a person to be at the foot of the bed during, uh, "private time"?

Because of the bickering, her temperament and lack of cordiality to your family, I vote for greener pastures. You are wise to question things now, because as we old-timers know, marriage doesn't "fix" faults, it makes them worse. — Margo, recommendingly

Wanted: The Fireworks of Yesteryear

Hi: I've been with someone for 21 years (dating four, married 17). Love him more than life, have a little girl, 7.

The problem is this. The first time I saw him, it was love. I was 14. Twenty-one years later, I still love him, but I can't seem to reciprocate his feelings for me.

He is a man any woman would kill for. He is beautiful, warm, kind and brilliant; he cooks, cleans and works his tail off to provide even more than we need.

So why don't I look at him "that way"? I don't feel that way anymore. It's like living with your best friend who wants to have sex with you, and you're like, uh, I don't think so.

I hate myself for feeling like this, but it's as if he's my brother. What do I do? Go on pretending, hoping the spark will rekindle? Break up my little family? I want so badly to feel "that way" toward him. Can you help? — Hurting

Dear Hurt: The simple answer is that you are used to him. Twenty-one years is too long to keep the initial spark burning, so don't look for that set of fireworks to reappear.

The qualities he has and the relationship, however, sound as though life could not be better . . . save for the bedroom aspect. I don't know whether you are restless or bored, but however you do it, you have to work on spicing up the boudoir scene.

Whether it's books, videos or a counselor, rev up this part of your marriage again. Concentrate on his pluses and do whatever it takes to relight the candle. I assure you it will be worth it, and far better than finding a hot guy who I doubt would measure up to the man you're married to. — Margo, reasonably

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to [email protected]. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.