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Beak Experience

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I recently started dating this new girl. I asked her whether her lips and boobs are real (and it turns out they are). However, I did call her out on having a nose job. She admitted it but seemed kind of upset. It's the truth. And she's beautiful, however she got that way. What's the problem? — Just Curious

At least you didn't hold her up to the light like a hundred-dollar bill to look for the hologram.

The fact that you have a thought is not reason enough to let it out to roam the streets, exposing itself to the ladies. As I write in "Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck," at the root of manners is empathy. So before speaking to someone — especially someone you're dating — ask yourself, "Gee, wonder whether she'll feel all warm and fuzzy inside when I point to her boobs and ask, 'Yours or cubic zirconia?'"

The reality is, people often spin the truth to present themselves in a better light, just as businesses do. (Your cable company does not really "value your time," and unless you're a wino, I'm pretty sure Miller High Life is not "the Champagne of beers.") However, evolutionary psychology research by William Tooke and Lori Camire finds that men and women tend to fudge their presentation in different ways. Because women evolved to prioritize men with the ability to "provide," men are far more likely than women to be deceptive about their finances. (You sure don't see women doing as a male friend of mine did. He lived in a dumpy apartment and drove an old Nissan that looked like it got used for soccer practice by Godzilla and Mothra, but he had me take a photo of him for his online dating profile in a beautiful neighborhood — in front of some stranger's Porsche.)

On the flip side, because men evolved to prioritize physical attractiveness in women (with the features men find beautiful reflecting health and fertility), women are most likely to be deceptive about their looks (those factory installed by the assembly line boss known as Mother Nature). That's why women are extremely sensitive about a man parsing their appearance — as men are when a woman sizes up their finances and position. So, for the future, keep in mind that there's a reason the term is "beauty secrets" and not "beauty announcements." To reset the balance — so she isn't insecure about your feelings regarding her appearance — get in the habit of saying something nice about what she's wearing and if she looks particularly sparkly some night. And do try to maintain perspective on the level of transformation here. She was merely born with a different nose; she wasn't born "Alan" or "Bruce."

How To Gain Wait

I'm a reformed party girl.

I used to go out, get drunk, and sleep with lots of guys on the first date (if you could even call some of these "dates"). I am older now and am ready for something serious. But after hearing me talking about how I used to be, guys campaign for first-date sex. We'll start making out a little, and I get into it and end up doing stuff before I really want to. — Regrets

No guy wants to hear, "I really like you, so I'll make you spend months jumping through hoops while catching a little ball in your teeth instead of having sex with you right away like I did with those 6,000 other guys." In fact, "I don't do that...anymore" is pretty much a challenge to a guy to try for the same deal the other guys got. So consider talking about the person you are instead of the person you were. In fact, you might avoid going into any real detail — ever — about the old you. As psychologist and linguist Steven Pinker points out in "The Stuff of Thought," the ability for a person to deny or overlook what he hasn't exactly been told is a powerful force. (No guy wants to think about all the ghosts of penis past.)

You can also preplan to make it hard for yourself to cheat, a technique called "precommitment," recommended by economist Thomas Schelling. For example, because alcohol and moonlight tend to combine to form a waterslide into your bed, you could schedule your first few dates at a less sex-friendly time and place, such as 10 a.m. at the coffee bar. Then if you go for a post-date walk, at least it won't be "the walk of shame." Before long, you should find that you have a new habit — ending dates with "looking forward to seeing you again" instead of looking for your panties under a guy's bed.

Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave., #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or email AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com). Her latest book is "Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck."

COPYRIGHT 2015 AMY ALKON

DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM

It's Amy Alkon's Advice Goddess Radio! "Nerd your way to a better life," with the best brains in science solving your love, dating, sex, and relationship problems. Listen live every Sunday — http://www.blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon — 7-8 p.m. PT, 10-11 p.m. ET, or download the podcast at the link. The call-in number during the show is 347-326-9761. This week, Amy Alkon & Dr. Jennifer Verdolin on how to meet, date, and succeed with the partner you want.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon/2015/02/09/amy-alkon-dr-verdolin-how-to-meet-date-succeed-with-the-partner-you-want



Comments

12 Comments | Post Comment
LW1 -
If it doesn't matter to you how she got to be the beautiful woman that she is, then why did you grill her on every part of her body? "Call her out on her nose"? In other words, you're treating this like it's an investigation and her "admission" like she confessed to a crime. Did you look her in the teeth too?

What's the problem? You're treating her like she's merchandise on the block, and you wanna know if the leather is genuine, that's what. (Just the fact that you would need to be told... sheesh.)

The problem is also that, in spite of your denegations, you care about whether her body parts are the original or the new and improved version very much indeed, but you're in denial about what you do and you refuse to admit it. In other words, you believe things, say things, do things, and don't own up to any of them. This is even worse, as this attitude will permeate everything you do and become a serious problem when there is an issue to resolve.

In a minute you'll demand to know how many partners she had before you. SHE didn't ask you if your dickie had needed help or if you needed a transplant to have hair on your chest. I would have dumped you. For her sake, I hope she's old enough to see the ramifications here.

And frankly, I would suggest you put a moratorium on dating until you've sorted out your attitudes and priorities, and grown up quite a bit. 'Cuz right now, siree, you're not "curious", you're a complete jerk.

LW2 -
"After hearing me talking about how I used to be"? Why the hell are you spilling out your entire life story like a confession right on the first date?

You know what? I was gonna tell you to simply learn to zip it, but... I've seen others do what you do and it signals something more. As benign as this seems to be at first glance, you need therapy to figure out why you don't allow yourself any modesty on any level here. You used to get naked with 6000 guys right on the first date, now you're baring it all instead. Same song, second verse, methinks. Get help.

Comment: #1
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Feb 24, 2015 10:31 AM
Hey LW1, is your penis real? Clearly you got your brain out of a gumball machine. I kinda doubt this letter is real.
.
LW2, let me get this straight. You go out with a guy for the first time and your topic of conversation is how many guys you've done on the first date? How does that topic even come up on the first date? (Or maybe you're going out Mr. Nosy-Ass from LW1.) And where are you having first dates that you can just start making out and having sex? Rm 612 at the Holiday Inn? I think what you need to learn is the meaning of TMI and about boundaries and, frankly, acting with some decorum. Have a date in a public place and ask him about himself while telling him what your favorite classic is--not what your favorite position is.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Jane
Tue Feb 24, 2015 11:32 AM
LW1--What's the problem?!? Seriously? Much like how you'd never, ever ask a woman her age or whether she's pregnant, unless you actually witness a fetus emerging from her womb, you should never ask a woman about her plastic surgery. So what if your girlfriend had a nose job? So what if her lips or boobs are her own? My god, you seem to be living in la la land (or Las Angeles.) You admit that your girlfriend is beautiful and you claim to not care about how she got that way so why were you inquiring about her boobs and lips? Grow up!

LW2--Well, you're obviously a moron. First of all, don't tell guys how you "used to be" because clearly they'll expect sex on the first "date". Instead, pretend to be a catholic girl who wouldn't dream of making out on the first date, much less sleeping with a guy. You are in control of your life, not your past or some guy so stop playing the victim.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Chris
Wed Feb 25, 2015 4:47 AM
Re: Jane #2
"I kinda doubt this letter is real."
Why, you just can't believe any man can be such a popohole?

Comment: #4
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Wed Feb 25, 2015 8:43 AM
"You go out with a guy for the first time and your topic of conversation is how many guys you've done on the first date?"
Yeah, she sounds like she's bragging to them about what a bad girl she is, and "look at what I used to give 6000 other guys that you ain't gettin' none of because I'm a born-again virgin now".

Reminds me of some dude I dated two or three times and who kept bragging of all the reckless driving he had done in his life, as if his irresponsible temerity was going to somehow impress me on his courage and virility. Amazing the number of people who seem to think being a big rebel is a badge of honour!

Comment: #5
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Wed Feb 25, 2015 8:56 AM
LW1, is your chest real? I've read that some guys get chest implants because they don't look very manly. Yours looks kind of fake to me. So I guess you're kind of a dweeb in real life. But don't be offended. Oh, and, your abs look a little fakey too. And your hair looks completely phoney. Did you dye it or what? I hear some guys get new head hair transplanted from their pubes, because they're going bald early. Plus, your nose looks too good for the rest of your face. Come on, fess up, they're all fake, right?


Hey, what are you getting so defensive about? I just asked if your chest, abs and nose hair were real. Some people are soooo defensive. I'd better write to an advice columnist to find out what's wrong with you.
Comment: #6
Posted by: sarah morrow
Wed Feb 25, 2015 9:04 AM
LW1, is your chest real? I've read that some guys get chest implants because they don't look very manly. Yours looks kind of fake to me. So I guess you're kind of a dweeb in real life. But don't be offended. Oh, and, your abs look a little fakey too. And your hair looks completely phoney. Did you dye it or what? I hear some guys get new head hair transplanted from their pubes, because they're going bald early. Plus, your nose looks too good for the rest of your face. Come on, fess up, they're all fake, right?


Hey, what are you getting so defensive about? I just asked if your chest, abs and nose hair were real. Some people are soooo defensive. I'd better write to an advice columnist to find out what's wrong with you.
Comment: #7
Posted by: sarah morrow
Wed Feb 25, 2015 9:04 AM
LW1: The guy looking to see if the hottie is indeed the genuine thing -- I'd say he's asking some questions to the hot chick that are out of bounds, and sounds like a precursor to getting her in the sack with him. My gosh, he's just started dating her. He's asking questions that aren't appropriate until they are in a committed, truly serious relationship. Which I doubt this is and -- given his propensity to ask questions that are none of his business -- likely never will be a seriously be.

Someone asked if his wee-wee is real. Bet it is ... and he wants to see how hard it can get, just before he dumps her. That is, if she doesn't wake up and dump him first. Which is what she should do ... pronto.

And then he'll never get to tell us whether her lips were good and how they tasted. *tsk tsk* For shame. (Yes, I'm being sarcastic.)

Because if you aren't truly a sex-obsessed jerk ... which Lise is suggesting you are (and by the sounds of it, a lot of us agree) ... you'll have to do a lot of convincing the next girl you try to date.

LW2: With the age of our social lives going digital and viral, even if the LW keeps her lip zipped about her past, it might be difficult to escape her past reputation. The best that you can do, I think, is find the guy who will accept who you are now and that you are ready for a committed, serious relationship.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Bobaloo
Thu Feb 26, 2015 11:14 AM
LW1 -- nice attempt at a save there a the end of your letter -- pretending that you don't care how she came to be beautiful. Except apparently you DO care, or you wouldn't be putting together a spreadsheet of all of her assets and figuring out which ones are real or not. One could argue that it's not necessarily wrong of you to care how she got that way. You might be looking for someone with whom to have children with, and you want to know what her REAL looks are, so you'll know what sort of DNA she's contributing. So, either own up to caring about this, or get to a place where you really don't care about this -- at which time, you'll feel no need to ask.

LW2 -- let me join the parade of people asking you why on earth you would be telling guys about your past sexual history on the first date. I suspect Lise may not be wrong in surmising that this is just another type of "over sharing" -- first you "shared" your body with too many people too fast; now you're sharing details about that past with too many people too fast (and then wind up sharing your body with them, as well). I have to agree that, at the very least, you need to do some real soul searching -- and may need a professional to help guide you on that path.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Lisa
Thu Feb 26, 2015 2:43 PM
Re: Lisa (#9)

"One could argue that it's not necessarily wrong of you to care how she got that way. You might be looking for someone with whom to have children with, and you want to know what her REAL looks are, so you'll know what sort of DNA she's contributing."

No, ma'am. The only think he is looking for is someone to share a night with in bed. He could give a rat's hoot as to "what kind of DNA she is contributing." And it is wrong to care, IMO, until they are in an actual, serious relationship.

If things get to that level, then, whether a part of the body is real or "fake" (for lack of a better term) would then no longer matter ... they've gotten to know each other and have learned to overlook that.

He's lucky he's not the one that needs a nose job ... caused by her punching him square in said place after he asked that question.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Bobaloo
Thu Feb 26, 2015 4:59 PM
@Bobaloo -- FWIW, even I don't actually believe the LW is even remotely close to thinking about having children with this woman. I was being facetious -- which doesn't always translate well when you can't hear the tone of voice, see facial expression, etc. Having said that, however, I will tell you that I actually HAVE heard people make that argument. That they want someone with "all the original parts" so that they can be sure that they'll pass those good looks on to any future children. Of course, this is ludicrous, in my opinion, in part because you never know what sort of DNA a person is going to pass down, and how that DNA will "mix and match" with the DNA of the other partner. But there ARE people who think that way.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Lisa
Fri Feb 27, 2015 2:12 PM
Re: Chris -- " Instead, pretend to be a catholic girl" quite the opposite, if you want sex date catholic girls. I'd say she was a Catholic girl.
Comment: #12
Posted by: J
Sun Mar 1, 2015 3:04 AM
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