Ill-Gotten Gain Exacts a High Emotional Toll, by Dr. Robert Wallace

DR. WALLACE: I did something that I am terribly ashamed of and I don't know how to rid myself of the guilt feeling.

Our family had a reunion last week at a local park. At least 150 people showed up, some coming from neighboring states. During the festivities, I found a wallet on the field after the family played softball. When I opened it I found $46 and a bunch of credit cards. I took the money and tossed the wallet and everything in it into a nearby lake. I never even looked at the identification to see whose wallet it was. I guess I was hoping it wasn't a family member.

Two hours after I tossed the wallet into the lake, my uncle announced that he had lost his wallet that contained money, driver's license, credit cards and other important papers and pictures and asked everybody to help him find it. We all spent an hour looking for the wallet. But, of course, it wasn't found.

I have never felt worse in my entire life because, when my uncle realized that he was not going to find his wallet, he almost cried.

The next day I told my boyfriend what had happened and I showed him where I tossed the wallet. He volunteered to wade in and try to find it and my prayers were answered. He found it.

I returned the money to the wallet and I mailed it to my uncle, who lives in Alabama, and said in a note that the wallet was found by the lake and was sent intact. I didn't sign it.

I feel relieved, but I still have guilt. Would it do any good for me to admit to my family that I found the wallet and threw it into the lake after taking the money and then had my boyfriend find it? Please answer soon! — Nameless, Orlando, Fla.

NAMELESS: The best way to get rid of your lingering guilt is to look at this episode as a once-in-a-lifetime learning experience. You used extremely poor judgment but instead of simply getting away with it you were forced to see firsthand the consequences of your action: the distress of your uncle over his lost, and perhaps irreplaceable, valuables.

I can understand why you put on a charade of "looking" along with the rest of your relatives when the wallet was reported missing. The humiliation of public exposure as a thief would have been overwhelming. But I am happy you didn't continue the charade afterward, and that you had someone to confide in who was able to help you out. Your boyfriend is the unsung hero of this fiasco.

Instead of continuing to feel guilty, be thankful — not merely that the wallet was found, but that you learned what morality is all about. When you take what isn't yours, you can wound another person deeply. Most thieves see only their own trivial gain, not their victim's devastating loss.

You saw the truth and your uncle has his wallet back. (I hope his photos and papers weren't hopelessly waterlogged.) That's enough for now. You don't have to confess a wrong that's been righted, but you are obligated to learn from this experience. A prayer to the Almighty asking for forgiveness will put your mind at ease.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. E-mail him at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

TWEEN 12 & 20

BY DR. ROBERT WALLACE

RELEASE: TUESDAY, APRIL 14, 2009, AND THEREAFTER

Boyfriend 'Hates' Outcome of Argument

DR. WALLACE: My girlfriend and I got into a huge argument while having a snack after a movie date. We got so loud that the manager asked us to leave. She told me to take her home immediately and that she never wanted to see me again. When I told her that she couldn't boss me around, she called her dad and told him that I wouldn't take her home and that made me mad. I left her in front of the restaurant and told her that I hated her and drove away.

Now that I have had time to think about it, I realize that I was a jerk and that I shouldn't have said that I hate her because I love her. I've "texted" several times asking her to forgive me, but she hasn't answered back.

What should I do? I really love this girl and I know she loves me, too. Dr. Wallace, please help me. I'm one miserable human being. — Nameless, Lake Charles, La.

NAMELESS: Send your girlfriend a bouquet of flowers (the best you can afford). The note attached should simply read, "I'm sorry. I love you very much." Follow up with a phone call or a text message a day later.

Meanwhile, resolve to think next time before you blurt out something in anger. The words, "I hate you" will shake a person to the core. It might take a long time before this girl gets over her hurt feelings, if she ever does.

MAKE A LUNCH DATE

DR. WALLACE: I've got an unusual situation and I don't know how to solve my problem. Doug and I are both 15 and in the 10th grade. I really like him and I know he likes me because he calls me at least twice a week after school.

What's strange is that at school Jason never talks to me. He isn't avoiding me in an obvious way, but he doesn't ever come over to me to talk. If he wanted to, he could see me between classes, during lunch break or before or after school. But he doesn't initiate any conversation.

I asked him last night why he doesn't talk to me at school and he said he's very shy and would like to talk to me at school, but can't find the courage. It is easier for him to talk to me on the phone. Do you have any suggestions for me to get him talking face to face at school? — Nameless, San Luis Obispo, Calif.

NAMELESS: Doug can't be all that shy because he is able to talk to you on the phone and let you know he has interest and would like to get to know you. He just needs a little help extending his friendliness toward you in public.

Because he won't do it on his own, you'll have to take the lead. The next time he calls, tell him you would like to have lunch with him at school — and that you will make the lunch yourself for both of you. Have him meet you at a designated area to eat the lunch. In all likelihood, that will break the ice.

In any new adventure, just getting started is usually the most difficult part. It shouldn't take long before you are regular lunch partners, and maybe a lot more.

TWEEN 12 & 20

BY DR. ROBERT WALLACE

RELEASE: WEDNESDAY, APRIL 15, 2009, AND THEREAFTER

Anorexia Not Confined to Single Race

DR. WALLACE: I am an African-American young lady. My best friend is also African-American and lately she hardly eats and is losing weight. She is messed up because her boyfriend broke up with her. I think my friend has the eating disorder anorexia, which can be very serious, but my mother has told me that African-Americans cannot become anorexics. Is this possible? — Nameless, Gary, Indiana.

NAMELESS: It's true that those most at risk of developing an eating disorder are white, upper middleclass, well-educated adolescent or young adult females. But other groups are vulnerable as well. According to the Life Skills Education booklet, "Anorexia," more than one in five victims is poor and more than one in four is nonwhite.

Eating disorders are brought on by excess stress due to many factors including, family problems, problems at school, death of a close friend or family member, the breakup of a romantic relationship and a myriad of different stresses. If your friend is anorexic, it's possible that she sees herself as overweight and thinks that losing weight will help her regain her lost love.

Anorexia is a very serious illness where the victim practices self-starvation and death can be the result. Discuss your friend's behavior with a school nurse or administrator who can contact her parents and find out if she has an eating disorder. You are a good friend and getting help can possibly save her life.

FEELING GRATEFUL FOR POLICE INTERVENTION

DR. WALLACE: I hear a lot of my fellow students saying that the police are paid to harass and bother law-abiding citizens. I, too, once had this same opinion. All that has changed now.

Last week I was a passenger in a car that went out of control, glanced off of a tree, turned over and caught fire. My buddy and I were both trapped and couldn't get out. Within minutes, two policemen were smashing the windows. Despite the flames, they pulled us to safety.

The only injury I suffered was a banged-up head that required 12 stitches. My buddy had a bruised leg. If it weren't for these two brave policemen I'm sure I wouldn't be here to write this letter. — Mike, Las Vegas, Nev.

MIKE: Being a police officer is extremely stressful and hazardous and there are some in our society who don't appreciate them, but our country would be in total chaos without them.

Law enforcement officers are invaluable, and you are living proof!

TWEEN 12 & 20

BY DR. ROBERT WALLACE

RELEASE: THURSDAY, APRIL 16, 2009, AND THEREAFTER

Benefits Outweigh Risks of Pet Ownership

DR. WALLACE: My parents promised me that I could have a pet for Christmas. They said I should make a list of three pets I'd like and they would make sure I'd have one of them to love on Dec. 25. I chose a kitty, a puppy and a bunny. But Christmas has come and gone and I didn't get a pet.

My father has read somewhere that pets can pose a health problem, so now he's not so sure he wants me to have one. A lot of my friends have pets and I have not heard one peep about any of them causing health problems to their family.

Do pets pose a health problem to humans? — Tammy, Fort Walton Beach, Fla.

TAMMY: There's a slight risk in almost everything we do, from going on a drive to eating in a restaurant. Yes, pets have caused health problems for their owners on rare occasions, but the risk is no more than 1,000 to 1, according to most veterinarians.

Not only are the vast majority of pets healthy and risk-free, but also, their presence in a household actually promotes health. Pet owners suffer less from stress and other mental-health problems and recover more quickly from traumas such as heart attack than those who have no pet, doctors tell us.

Forty percent of American and Canadian families have at least one family member who barks, meows, chirps, squeaks, slithers or croaks, and they are happier for their family pet.

JEALOUSY IS NO FAIRY TALE ENDING

DR. WALLACE: I'm 16 and my boyfriend is 17. We've been together for six months and see each other every day. Brent is the only boy I have ever cared for and I think I actually love him.

Last week I was sick with the flu and didn't see him for three days. These were the worst three days of my young life. He called me every day, but that's not the same.

Now comes my problem. My best friend said she saw Brent sitting next to the same girl every day during lunch and they were both smiling and laughing a lot. When I grilled Brent about this, he laughed and said that if the day comes when he can't talk to anyone he chooses, he will end our relationship.

Now I don't know what to do. I don't want Brent to break up with me. That would be traumatic. But I also want to know if he was playing footsie with Snow White. What should I do? — Courtney, Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

COURTNEY: Some problems are real and some of them we manufacture out of thin air. Your problem with Brent certainly falls into the latter category. Your best friend went way out of her way to make something out of nothing.

Brent wouldn't have spent six months courting you and calling every day while you were ill if he didn't think you were special. Making an issue out of his smiling at Snow White during lunch will all but guarantee a rapid end to the relationship.

BETTER OFF FREE OF LANCE

DR. WALLACE: Lance and I broke up because he was a jerk and treated me like dirt. My life has been wonderful ever since the day that I told him to get lost. Now one of my friends has gone out with him and has told me that he has changed and is a nice guy who wants to go out with me again. She said I should expect a call from him soon.

I don't have any feelings for him, but I'm curious to see how he has changed. Should I go out with him if he calls? — Alexi, Phoenix, Ariz.

ALEXI: Absolutely not! Shame on you for being curious.

TWEEN 12 & 20

BY DR. ROBERT WALLACE

RELEASE: FRIDAY, APRIL 17, 2009, AND THEREAFTER

Birds and Bees Differ for Males and Females

TEENS: Researchers have reported that teen girls who have close relationships with their mothers wait longer to have sex for the first time. The findings also indicate that girls are less likely to engage in sexual activity when their mothers strongly disapprove, suggesting that mothers matter more than once was believed.

It was a different story for boys. Researchers found that mothers' disapproval had less influence on their sons. Other people, especially close friends, have a stronger influence on boys' sexual behavior.

The study, conducted by the University of Minnesota's Center for Adolescent Health and Development, was based on interviews with 2,006 14- and 15-year-olds who said they had never had sex.

SODA POPS UP ON CAMPUS AGAIN

DR. WALLACE: Our high school banned soda from vending machines on campus for obvious reasons. In its place they offered fruit juices and sports drinks. Now the soda vending machine is back on campus. Thank goodness, so are the healthy alternative drinks.

I asked our principal why the soda machine was back and she said the school district needed the money. I think this is sad. — Julie, Charleston, S.C.

JULIE: I agree, but schools are strapped for funds. This is a very difficult time for school funding and soda sales are a necessary evil. Let's hope the soda leaves campus when school funds don't depend on soda sales to educate our students!

DRAWING THE LINE ON ABUSE

DR. WALLACE: You gave terrible advice to a young wife when you told her to leave her husband. Marriage is for life. When the minister says, "Till death do you part," he does not say anything about leaving when the going gets tough.

Divorce is out of the question in my religion, and I think you should read the Good Book again before you tell a wife to leave her husband. I know you won't print this because I disagree with you. — Jerry, Naples, Fla.

JERRY: Marriage is a sacred commitment, but there are times when even that commitment has to be broken. Wife beating is one of those times.

I don't know where in the Good Book it says that a wife should endure being beaten by her cowardly husband.

NARCISSISM NO BASIS FOR A RELATIONSHIP

DR. WALLACE: My boyfriend is a handsome guy, but his ego is out of control. We don't have a lot in common. Whenever we're out together, all he ever does is flirt with other attractive girls. At least we have love in common. I love him and he loves himself.

Do you think he will ever have eyes only for me? As I said, he is a handsome guy and people say that I'm very attractive, too. I think that's the only reason he is dating me. What do you think? — Nameless, Ames, Iowa.

NAMELESS: "Beauty is only skin deep." Your boyfriend has nothing going for him except looks, and that's not enough.

You deserve better than a guy whose ego is out of control. Send him packing!

TWEEN 12 & 20

BY DR. ROBERT WALLACE

RELEASE: SATURDAY, APRIL 18, 2009, AND THEREAFTER

Daughter Feels Responsible for Parents' Divorce

DR. WALLACE: My parents have been married for 18 years and now they have decided to part ways by agreeing to get a divorce. Even though my mom and dad did not seem happy and argued quite a bit, their getting a divorce has come as a complete shock to me.

I was told last night that my dad will be moving out of the house in a few days and that my mom and my younger brother and I will be staying in our house. Now I'm really worried about our future. I'm angry that they couldn't work things out and keep our family together.

Sometimes my parents got into a heated discussion about my grades and the amount of time I spend with my boyfriend. This has caused me to feel guilty and partly responsible for their breakup. I love both of my parents very much and I always will regardless of what the future will bring. Please convince me that I'm not to blame for their separation. I know deep down that I'm not to blame, but yet I have this gnawing feeling that I am. Please help. — Nameless, Kingman, Ariz.

NAMELESS: When parents decide to end their marriage, their decision was not made because of their children's behavior. They go separate ways because they feel a divorce will make their lives more enjoyable. You did nothing to upset them and they just wanted out.

Divorce is a time of change, but the love a parent shares with a child doesn't go away because one of the parents is no longer living in the house. Divorce creates a new life and new challenges. Love from each parent can still make the future bright for children.

STOMACHS CHURN OVER OBESITY

DR. WALLACE: Last week I had to see the school nurse because I had a fever and an upset stomach. The nurse called my mom and said to come to school and pick me up because I was sick.

When my mother arrived, the nurse told her that she should change my eating habits because I was obese. I admit that I am chubby and should probably lose 30 to 35 pounds, but I am not obese.

My mother and I are disappointed with the nurse for calling me obese. Mom wants to tell the principal about this, but I don't think she should. What do you think? Regardless, I will never see the nurse again, even if I'm dying. — Nameless, Birmingham, Ala.

NAMELESS: Tell mom to forget about meeting with the principal. The nurse meant no harm.

"Obesity" is a clinical term, not an insult. Someone is considered obese if she weighs at least 20 percent more than the ideal weight for her height. For example, if you should weigh 130 pounds, you'd be considered obese if you weighed 156 pounds or more.

The school nurse was not calling you a name. She was simply informing your mother that it might be wise for you to change your eating pattern to reduce calorie consumption, thus losing some excess weight.