Teen Needs to Pursue a Girl Closer to His Age, by Dr. Robert Wallace

DR. WALLACE: I'm 19 and I adore a 16-year-old girl. We met about four months ago at a mutual friend's birthday party. Of course I'd like to take Tammy out, but her dad is very strict and won't let her date until she turns 17.

I've met her mother, and she is very nice and not as uptight as her husband about the rigid dating age of 17. In fact, the mother likes me and wants me to take her daughter out when the "magic day" arrives in six months, two weeks and four days. Tammy's mother is 20 years younger than her father. I wonder why she even married him, because she's very attractive and modern while her husband is a grumpy old man.

I have encouraged Tammy to have her mother convince her father that we would make a great couple and should start dating immediately. Millions of girls under the age of 17 are dating. It's not age, but maturity, that should dictate when a girl is ready to go out with a guy. Help! — Jason, Patterson, N.J.

JASON: You don't need help; you need humility. With the attitude on display in your letter, I have my doubts whether you'll ever be an acceptable date for Tammy. You may be frustrated by her parents' rules, but you'll get nowhere by trying so arrogantly to circumvent them and showing such disrespect for her dad in the process.

You are out of line here in every way, Jason. With a guy like you waiting in the wings, her father may decide to raise Tammy's dating age.

I suggest you forget about Tammy altogether and consider dating a girl closer to your own age.

DESPITE DIFFERENCES, A LOVING MARRIAGE CAN LAST

DR. WALLACE: My boyfriend and I are planning to get married after we graduate from Indiana University next spring. We are both education majors and plan to become teachers.

Our families aren't happy about our pending marriage. We come from very different backgrounds — we have dissimilar religions and are different racially. I was born in Korea and my future husband was born in Egypt. And to make things more interesting, one of us voted Democratic while the other voted Republican.

All of our close friends and relatives doubt that we're good candidates to be husband and wife. We are determined to prove them wrong. What can we do once we are married to make sure our marriage lasts "till death do us part"? — Su, Bloomington, Ind.

SU: Every marriage is a marriage of differences. Across-the-board sameness is a recipe for eternal boredom, not eternal bliss. What I'm saying is that you and your boyfriend, so long as you love each other, have as much chance for lifelong marital happiness as any other couple.

My suggestion is this: Never take your love for granted. Don't bury it and forget about it as you build a life together. Let your love remain alive and active, influencing every decision you make. Find ways to express your love for your partner every single day. If you do this, no difficulty will be too big for the two of you to handle together.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. E-mail him at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

TWEEN 12 & 20

BY DR. ROBERT WALLACE

RELEASE TUESDAY, JANUARY 6, 2009, AND THEREAFTER

Teen Needs to Leave Physically Abusive Boyfriend

DR. WALLACE: I've been dating Steve for about four months. He is a very popular guy. He's cute and a star athlete. I'm on the cheerleading squad and participate in softball. I'm also vice president of the student body so I'm sort of popular, too. I really enjoyed being with Steve, that is, until last week.

We both attended a holiday party together at a friend's house. Unfortunately, alcohol was available and Steve had too much to drink. I tried to get him to stop drinking, but he didn't listen. Finally, I told him if he didn't stop drinking (beer) immediately, I was going to call my parents to take me home.

That triggered him off. He called me a filthy name, slapped my face and kicked me on my rear. When I started crying, he said he was sorry and that he would never physically abuse me again. We left the party and he drove me home. I was scared to death because I knew he was intoxicated.

When we got to my house, he wouldn't let me out of the car until I told him that I loved him and forgave him for hurting me. I didn't say anything, but he finally let me go when he saw my mom coming toward the car to find out why I didn't come in the house.

I didn't tell my parents what happened because they would have made me stop seeing Steve, and I am not sure that's what I want. Please give me your advice. — Nameless, Hammond, Ind.

NAMELESS: Physical violence never deserves a second chance. Believe me, with evil-tempered guys, there always is a next time. Your only recourse is to dump this guy immediately. If you don't believe me, perhaps the following letter will convince you:

DR. WALLACE: I'm writing this letter to all the young women out there who have been physically abused by their boyfriends, but stay with them because they think they won't do it again.

I started dating David when we were in high school. He was the star athlete and I was a cheerleader. Everybody thought we were the perfect couple. What they didn't know was that he would sometimes punch me on my arms and back and threaten to kill me. Then afterward for a couple of weeks, he'd be an angel.

I didn't break up with him because I thought I loved him and kept convincing myself the last time he hit me would really be the last time, period. To make a long story short, I married this guy because he said he loved me and I thought marriage would change him. Boy, was I wrong! The physical abuse continued. In fact, it increased.

Two children and a countless number of beatings later, I got up enough courage to leave him. I have filed for divorce and have a restraining order to keep him away from the children and me. I now live with my parents who have accepted me home again with open arms. I really feel safe here because my father is a police officer.

All I'm telling you, girls, is that if your boyfriend abuses you physically, even one time, get rid of the jerk. He'll tell you it won't happen again, but it will. — Beverly, Oklahoma City, Okla.

TWEEN 12 & 20

BY DR. ROBERT WALLACE

RELEASE WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 7, 2009, AND THEREAFTER

Teen's Friend Disappears and Doesn't Want to Talk

DR. WALLACE: My friend and I have been best friends for over a year, but about three weeks ago, she told me I was "bothering" her and she didn't want to see me anymore. I've tried to call her, but she won't take my calls. I am extremely upset because we were as close as sisters.

Please tell me what I should do. I want us to become good friends again. — Leah, Buffalo, N.Y.

LEAH: There's no telling what might be going on with your friend. A sudden falling-out for no apparent reason almost certainly points to something that has nothing, or almost nothing, to do with you at all.

The only thing you can do is attempt to get to the bottom of this mystery. Buy or make an appropriate card. Tell her you're sorry if you have offended her in anyway. Express your desire to renew what was once a wonderful friendship. Ask her to call. If she doesn't respond soon, you shouldn't take it personally — it's her problem, not yours. Nor should you sit around the house feeling sorry for yourself. Make a concerted effort to expand your social horizons. Join clubs, participate in school and community events or volunteer for a worthy organization. These activities will be enjoyable and provide you with ample opportunities to make new friends.

DRESS MORE CONSERVATIVELY THAN TRENDY FOR JOB INTERVIEWS

DR. WALLACE: I graduated from high school last June, and since then I have been working as a waitress. I was an excellent student in high school. I should have gone to college, but I didn't want to wait four more years before being financially independent. Right now I'm living with a roommate, sharing most expenses. My parents are a bit miffed that I didn't go to college; they were going to pay for it.

I want to get a better job, so I will be sending my resume to various employers. Would it be better for me to dress formally when I go on a job interview? Or should I just be myself by dressing casually, but neat and clean? — Chelsea, Springfield, Mass.

CHELSEA: Always dress in good taste. It's better to be on the conservative side in your attire, rather than trendy, flashy or overlaid-back and casual.

P.S.: It's never too late to take your parents' offer to pay for a college education. Besides getting greater employment opportunities, you would be better prepared to handle life's challenges.

MOM NEEDS TO BUTT OUT OF SON'S MARRIED LIFE

DR. WALLACE: I'm 19 and have been married for six months. My husband, Tony, and I are very excited about having our first child.

Tony's mother is not a nice person — she never was and never will be. She is very upset that I'm pregnant. She had the gall to ask me if I knew anything about birth control.

Tony is a "mama's boy," so he doesn't tell her to butt out of our business. I'm thinking about writing her a nasty letter and telling her to mind her own stupid business. Do you agree? — Nameless, Lake Charles, La.

NAMELESS: Never put words on paper that could come back to haunt you. Simply inform her that you are the main woman in his life now and the number of children you and Tony have is none of her business. Unless she has a change of attitude, see as little of her as possible.

TWEEN 12 & 20

BY DR. ROBERT WALLACE

RELEASE THURSDAY, JANUARY 8, 2009, AND THEREAFTER

Sex Doesn't Equal Love

DR. WALLACE: Don and I went steady for over six months, but broke up because he wanted to go out with another girl. Since I loved Don, this broke my heart. When we broke up, Don said he still loved me and would go out with me occasionally. Since then, we have gone out three times in four months and every time we wound up having sex.

My girlfriend told me to stop going out with Don because all he was doing was using me. I don't think so because he swears he loves me and I still love him. And people in love have sex. Am I right? — Curious, Davenport, Iowa.

CURIOUS: Your girlfriend is right. Don is indeed using you. Stop seeing him immediately. This relationship is going nowhere and will only lead to further heartbreak (if not unwanted pregnancy).

Love and sex are not synonymous. Many teens that profess love for one another are not sexually active. They understand that sex should be saved for marriage. I realize that on this subject I sound like a broken record, but the fastest way for a teen to ruin a relationship is to engage in sexual activity. I have thousands of letters from young people telling me this, usually from sad experiences.

PROGRAM WITH THE MOST STUDENTS WILL MOST LIKELY STAY

DR. WALLACE: Our school district failed to convince the voters in our community to vote yes for a bond issue that would have allowed us to keep marching band, boys' and girls' athletics and vocal music. Now the district superintendent has announced that two of the three programs will be dropped.

I'm in the marching band and also sing in our award-winning choir, and I'm afraid that these two programs are headed for the scrap heap because the sports program in our town is king. The bond issue would definitely have passed if its failure would have meant canceling the athletics program.

I know that you are a former coach as well as a former principal. You probably would also dump the band and vocal music programs so the almighty athletes can run around fields and courts chasing a ball. Still, I'd like your comments. — Lois, Sanger, Calif.

LOIS: A superintendent having to make such program cuts faces a cruel choice indeed, and I'm sorry that your district's budget crisis (and the community's response to it) has created this dilemma. Students will get cheated no matter what the superintendent does.

When I was a principal, my role was to do everything in my power to provide all of our 2,700 students the best possible education. Extracurricular programs of every sort — and the greater variety, the better — are crucial to a well-rounded, quality education.

What would I have done facing such a choice? It seems to me the only fair solution under these regrettable circumstances would be to keep the program that had the highest student participation.

A BIG PERCENTAGE OF PREGNANT, UNWED TEENS DON'T GIVE BIRTH

DR. WALLACE: You wrote recently that about 1 million unwed teens become pregnant every year in the United States. A month later, you stated that 400,000 babies are born each year to unwed teens. Your numbers don't add up. — Rita, Reno, Nev.

RITA: The information comes from the Medical Institute for Sexual Health in Austin, Texas. The difference in the two figures is due to the fact that over 50 percent of the pregnant, unwed teens do not give birth.

TWEEN 12 & 20

BY DR. ROBERT WALLACE

RELEASE FRIDAY, JANUARY 9, 2009, AND THEREAFTER

Don't Let Friends Pressure You When You Aren't Comfortable

DR. WALLACE: I know peer pressure is very strong for teens, and I can feel that pressure a lot of times when I'm with my friends. Not all of the pressure is negative, but some of it is. Without making this pressure an issue, what can I do to minimize it and not appear to be a "goody-goody?" — Cherie, Cumberland, Md.

CHERIE: It's impossible not to be influenced by your peers to some degree, but you don't have to feel helpless or "not yourself" around them. Set goals for yourself, both long-term and short-term. Write them down and remind yourself frequently of their importance. If you have a sense of yourself as an individual, you will be able to make your decisions and resist doing something you don't want to do, regardless what the group is up to.

Savor your friendships and the fun of group activity, which is never greater than during the teen years, but always keep it in perspective. You are creative, intelligent and wonderful all by yourself, not just because you belong to a certain group. If someone labels you a "goody-goody" for taking a stand, remember, it's just one misinformed person's opinion. If your peers start making you doubt yourself as an individual, or push you in a questionable direction, it may be time to find a new group.

TEEN NEEDS TO TALK TO PRINCIPAL ABOUT BULLY

DR. WALLACE: I'm really afraid and I don't know what to do. A certain boy at my school told me that he would beat me up if I didn't give him my lunch money, so I did. This happened every day for about a month. Then I started bringing my lunch to school. Then the boy said if I didn't give him 50 cents every day, he'd "beat me up so bad that my mother wouldn't recognize me."

Yesterday I didn't have any money, so he punched me on the arm and said if I didn't pay him tomorrow he'd get me after school. I hate to admit it, but I'm not very strong; there is no way I could fight back even if I wanted to. I live with my mom and don't have a dad. I don't want to tell my troubles to her because she has enough of her own.

Please help me. I used to like school, but now I hate it. I even fake being sick so I don't have to face this boy. I talked to my physical education teacher about all this and he told me to "bulk up" and "kick tail." I don't think this is going to happen. — Worried, Rockford, Ill.

WORRIED: Your P.E. teacher gave you bad advice. Even though your mother has her own troubles, your happiness is very important to her. Tell her what's happening and have her make an appointment to speak with your principal.

As a former principal, I detest bullies — especially those who extort money from other kids on threat of violence. Trust me, your principal will know exactly how to eliminate this problem immediately. Please write to me in a couple of weeks and tell me what action was taken.

TWEEN 12 & 20

BY DR. ROBERT WALLACE

RELEASE SATURDAY, JANUARY 10, 2009, AND THEREAFTER

Teens Need to See a Dermatologist to Learn More about Complexion and Acne

DR. WALLACE: Our health and hygiene teacher told our class that all teens have some degree of complexion problems, but the issue will eventually vanish if they wash their face three times a day. She said that over-the-counter products meant to help eliminate pimples and blackheads are ineffective and a waste of money.

I'm starting to get blemishes and I'm scared to death that I might wind up with a severe case of pimples or even acne. Should I use products that claim to get rid of pimples or should I follow my teacher's recommendations? — Melanie, Phoenix.

MELANIE: I believe that teens should visit a dermatologist as soon as they become concerned about their complexion in order to get a professional assessment of what they're up against. It's not worth living with anguish and uncertainty about one's complexion. Emotional scars left by pimples and acne are worse than the physical scars.

Approximately 80 percent of all teens sooner or later develop facial blemishes, but 75 percent of them see their complexion clear up without any treatment at all. The remaining teens do develop pimple or acne problems that require treatment.

TEENS ARE AN IMPORTANT MARKET FOR ADVERTISERS

DR. WALLACE: You keep saying that advertisers zero in on teens to sell their products. Why would they waste their time and money to get teens to buy their products when teens don't have any money? — Brendan, Lima, Ohio.

BRENDAN: In a normal economy, U.S. and Canadian teens have enormous economic clout. They spend over $50 billion a year on food, clothing and entertainment. In addition, they have influence over another $50 billion of their parents' money.

According to a Gallup Poll, 73 percent of girls and 63 percent of boys spend their own money when they go back-to-school shopping.

The teens receive their spending money in various ways. For younger teens, it comes from allowances and gifts. Older teens usually earn money from part-time jobs. A teen working just 10 hours per week can earn over $200 a month during the school year and more during summer vacations.

HOTLINE ANSWERS QUESTIONS RELATING TO STDS

DR. WALLACE: I have several questions regarding sexually transmitted diseases. Someone told me that there is a STD hotline. Is it possible that you might provide me with that number? Please help me get this number. I really need it. — Nameless, Detroit.

NAMELESS: Free, confidential information about all sexually transmitted diseases is available from the National STD and AIDS Hotline at 800-227-8922. You can call this number 24 hours a day, seven days a week. To speak with a Spanish speaking counselor, please dial 800-344-7432 from 8 a.m. to 2 a.m. Eastern Standard Time, seven days a week.

CHOOSE SKIM MILK FOR LESS FAT

DR. WALLACE: I'm trying to lose weight and still eat healthy meals. My health teacher said people shouldn't drink regular milk, which contains 5 grams of fat per cup. She said we should drink skim or fat-free milk. I've seen skim milk and it looks like white-colored water. If I switched to skim milk, wouldn't I be losing nutrients? — Ashley, Zanesville, Ohio.

ASHLEY: Other than fat content, whole milk and skim have equal nutrients. Take your teacher's advice and drink only skim milk.