Dear Family Coach: In my family we have always celebrated the children's birthdays at home. When they were young it was mostly family. But now that they are in school they want to invite some friends. But our house and budget cannot accommodate 25-plus children. My son's school has a policy that if you invite one child then you have to invite the whole class. My son is heartbroken. What should we do? — Heartbroken Too

Dear Heartbroken: You should invite a few friends, have a wonderful party at home and not have a second thought about it. Birthday parties can be the highlight of a child's year. Children relish their celebrations. You have a special tradition that you should not allow the school to ruin.

Some schools have adopted this position based on angry feedback from parents whose beloved children were left out. As a parent who has experienced that pain for her child, I can understand the anger. But not the policy. Children should not be forced to invite children to a party who are mean to them or exclude them or who, frankly, aren't friends. The birthday child should be surrounded by true pals, not a gaggle of random kids from class.

I hate when a child's feelings get hurt. I wish it never happened. But it sometimes does, and it's a part of life. Inviting all children to a party doesn't necessarily solve that problem.

Dear Family Coach: While I live in an affluent area, there are some families who are struggling. My daughter's friend's family has very little money. I like to take my daughter, who is an only child, to museums, movies and play-gyms with a friend. I can tell the mother of the friend is uncomfortable with me treating her child, but I know money is extremely tight for her. How can I let her know that it is my pleasure without offending her? — Careful Mom

Dear Careful: Even though you might be happy to pay this child's way, it is possible that this mother doesn't feel the same way. While some families with financial constraints might be thrilled at the opportunity for their child to attend these activities, others would prefer that they not go unless the family could pay for it.

I don't believe life should be quid pro quo. Just because you treat this girl doesn't mean these parents have to treat your child similarly. However, the imbalance is evidently causing this mother distress. It might help to allow this family to give back to you in other ways. Maybe your daughter is always gushing about her delicious banana bread. You could ask for the recipe. If you see this mom at pickup every day, maybe ask her if she could pick up your child on Mondays when you have to work late. Try to find ways to equalize the relationship without finances coming into play. Also, make sure you aren't always headed to a costly activity. Make time for these girls to just play in the yard. The focus of their friendship should be time together, not time at an expensive event.

Dr. Catherine Pearlman, the founder of The Family Coach, LLC, advises parents on all matters of child rearing. To write to Dr. Pearlman, send her an email at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Catherine Pearlman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.