Dear Family Coach: My husband and I work outside the home. Our children are 5- and 8-years-old. Lately, they are giving me a lot of flack about being too busy to cook or keep up with housework. Sometimes I have others cook, and we have a house cleaner come every few weeks. They also complain that I don't play with them after work, even though I do make a point to spend time with them. How can I respond when I know I am doing my best? — Mom Feeling Guilty

Dear Guilty: Your kids are hitting a nerve, and they know it. It sounds like you are providing them with food, a clean home and lots of playtime. They are presumably well-cared for. Since you didn't mention the kids giving Dad any trouble, I can only conclude they think this is women's work. Somewhere along the line, they learned that mothers are supposed to take care of the cooking and cleaning, and I'm guessing the laundry and dishes, too. And depending on where you live, it's possible that this ideal is modeled in their friends' houses whose mothers might not work. This needs to be addressed by you and Dad.

One night during dinner when they haven't been complaining, have your husband begin the conversation about family roles. Hear the kids out to get their perspective, and be willing to listen if they have a point. Address any misinformation they may have and explain your point of view. Explain why you work; is it to make money to pay for food and after-school activities? Or is it because you have a curious mind and like to use it in a variety of productive ways? Chances are, your kids haven't heard why working is important to you. Feel free to explain why it hurts your feelings when they complain that you aren't doing enough at home. Then invite them to help you by taking on a few chores.

Dear Family Coach: My kids are being watched — for free — three days a week by my parents and two days a week by my husband's parents. In general, the arrangement works out great. But my in-laws don't follow our requests. For example, I ask them to limit television to 30 minutes per day; but they ignore us. I tell them to put my son down for a nap by 12:30 p.m., but he is often still awake when I check in at 2 p.m. I am so frustrated but we need their help with the kids. How can I get them to listen to what is important to us? — Trouble With In-Laws

Dear Trouble: You can't have your cake and eat it, too. As a parent, you have every right to dictate how your children are cared for. You should be able to decide how much television they watch, how many sweets they eat and when they go to bed. But you have chosen to go the free babysitting route. Your family members are not your employees, so they often act on their own accord. The roles are also not clearly defined. Are the in-laws hired babysitters, or can they act like grandparents who love spoiling their grandkids?

Loosen up a bit considering that you are getting free babysitting by people who are not childcare professionals. Or, fire your in-laws and pay someone to watch your kids. But remember that hired childcare has it's own downsides. Mainly, it isn't free; and no one will love your kids as much as their grandparents.

Dr. Catherine Pearlman, the founder of The Family Coach, LLC, advises parents on all matters of child rearing. To write to Dr. Pearlman, send her an email at [email protected]. To find out more about Dr. Catherine Pearlman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Photo credit: Quinn Dombrowski