Q: I have 5-year-old twin girls. Since they were toddlers, one daughter has always been dominant over her sister, although they are very close and loving toward one another. They are now in kindergarten and I specifically requested they be put into separate classes to give my non-dominant daughter a chance to develop some independence.

The teacher has observed that my daughter has remained quite shy and too easily acquiesces to the will of her other classmates. She also attaches herself to her sister on the playground during recess. How can I do more to help my non-dominant daughter develop more self-confidence without diminishing any of the characteristics that make her such a sweet little girl?

A: The description of your twins possessing very different temperaments is more typical than twins whose personalities are much the same. Whether those twins are genetically similar or different, one almost always is more assertive than the other. There's no doubt that environment and competition for parent attention play a large part in their differential personality development. Parents of same gender siblings often remark on those differences in their two children as well, but parents typically assume that genetics caused their differences, rather than rivalry and birth order. With twins, there is no significant birth order, but they often act as if one is the first-born and the other, later born.

It was a good decision to separate your children in kindergarten, but it is no surprise that they wish to play together at recess. Hopefully, they will play together in groups with other children as well. Being in separate classrooms gives them both opportunities to make other new friends, and it would be a fine idea for them each to invite a child from her own class home for a play date. Even if all four children play together and your dependent one allows her sister to lead, it will still be the beginning of developing special new friendships.

As they move forward in school, if classes are ability grouped they may again be together, but most younger elementary classes include some subjects that are grouped and others that are not. At least they can remain separated part of the time.

Your most important tools to use at home are your words. Words that don't stereotype the girls will allow them to fully develop as individuals. Take the word "shy" out of your vocabulary. Instead, casually talk to others about both of the girls gradually growing independence and confidence. That is particularly important related to the more dependent daughter. Reasonable and moderate praise helps both girls. Extreme praise causes both to become more competitive with one feeling like a winner, and the other a loser. I doubt that has happened yet from your description, but it could easily happen at school.

As separate interests arise, encourage them each do some things without the other, but it is also likely that they will still choose to do many things together.

If the quieter daughter isn't raising her hand and making contributions at school, you could suggest that she answer at least one question a day; when she gains confidence in doing that, you could suggest she try for two a day. Once she gets more comfortable answering a few questions out loud in class she's likely to break out of her quiet zone. There is no doubt that raising twins doubles both the challenges and blessings of raising children.

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