Q. We have a very smart, athletic 13-year-old son (my stepson actually, but I've raised him since he was 4). We hear nothing but good things about him from everyone that knows him, including teachers, who say he's polite, friendly and helpful. The problem is he lies to us constantly, (sometimes over the smallest thing like not knowing where the stapler is), to much larger things such as finding cigarettes in his room. Recently we've had a bigger concern — he's stealing from me at home. Money is missing from my purse and from my change jar. He seems to have no concern that we know it's him. He's shown no remorse, doesn't give reasons and doesn't apologize. My husband and I are at a loss.

A. Obviously, continuous lying breeds mistrust in the family and can become a serious lifelong problem for a child. Yet, any parent knows that children do lie sometimes as part of growing up. They usually outgrow their lying problems when parents correct them and emphasize how important it is to be honest. It's difficult for me to determine by your description why your stepson is lying. In the example of the stapler, is he lying defensively because he knows he should have returned it and didn't or doesn't want to get into trouble? When he takes money from the change jar, is he taking a small amount because he thinks it's family money and you won't mind, or is he taking a larger amount of money to buy something you've deliberately told him not to buy? Clearly, lying about the cigarettes and taking money from your purse are both more serious problems. Also, the increasing frequency of his lying is worrisome.

If an adolescent seems to be doing many things well and he's living his life honestly among his peers and in school, we're less likely to worry about an occasional fib than if his school and friendship life are inappropriate. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't correct your son's problem. You should make it very clear that you expect honesty. It's extremely important that he understand that you and his dad are equally concerned about his lying. As a matter of fact, if he repeats lying offenses, it would be important that he experience some consequences. You can also assure him that if he cancels out his lie by admitting the truth and apologizes and pays back money he's taken, the consequences will be less than if he continues to lie. Remind him that you'll need to trust him if you're going to allow him teen privileges, and that eventually his lies will always be discovered.

If your trust for him continues to deteriorate even after you've talked to him and given him consequences several times, it would be appropriate for you to get him into counseling.

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Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.