Q: My son is 5 years old and expects to be perfect all the time. Whenever an activity, project or event does not go his way, he will pout and say things like, "I will never do this again!" This is frustrating to us as his parents. How would you deal with this?

A: While there aren't a lot of 5-year-old hard workers, children that age can begin to learn to persevere and even learn from their mistakes. Your son likely only repeats that he will never do something again because such a statement brings him attention. You probably stop what you are doing to remind him about the importance of learning from mistakes and that no one is perfect. I would even guess that if you were to ignore his comments and his pouts a few times they would likely disappear. Yes, you can even walk away when he tries such a line on you the next time.

On the other hand, do find opportunities where you can praise his perseverance and his good sportsmanship. When he works hard at something, let him overhear you talking to his father about your noticing that he has overcome his defeatist attitude. Definitely don't call him a perfectionist or talk to other people about his problem within his hearing. There is wisdom in talk that emphasizes his positive progress and doesn't label him as having a problem. Do try it and then share a letter about his improved perseverance with us.

One other trick is to model appropriate behavior when you make mistakes. You could say something like, "Oh darn — that's frustrating, but at least l have learned from the experience. I'll try to do better next time." You may actually soon overhear your little guy responding in a similar way when he makes mistakes of his own or meets with a challenge.

Young Man Feels Pressure To Be Perfect

Q: My son is very creative, although he has a hard time verbally expressing himself. His brain is moving three times faster than his mouth can work. I would appreciate any tips to help him organize his thoughts better. I am also concerned about his defeatist attitude combined with his perfectionist position of "if it's not exactly right, why bother at all?"

A: There are several parts to your question, and although they are related, they each require somewhat different approaches in dealing with them. The last part of your question related to what your son says and complains about. Explain to him that we learn from our mistakes and no one can be perfect at all times. Then, start ignoring his comments because your attention and repeated explanations keep them coming.

In regards to his expressing himself, while perfectionism and anxiety may underlie this problem, too, we can give him some tricks to help him better express himself. First, he could learn to make a few simple notes on a note card to keep him on track. A handful or so of one-word notes might be all he needs — more words if he prefers, of course. You can encourage him to use notes by explaining that most speakers use them to stay focused and to avoid forgetting information. The next step is to encourage him to practice speaking his thoughts in front of a full length mirror. He will probably actually love that, and also learn a lot from watching himself talk. No one should be with him in the room when he does this, since witnesses will probably prevent him from experimenting or distract him.

You mention that your son is very creative, but you haven't mentioned how he expresses his creativity. Encourage him to use his strengths and interests to enhance his productivity. He could incorporate his art or music into reports or compositions that he writes, and you could explain to the teacher that he is learning to use his strengths to enhance his schoolwork and that you hope she finds that acceptable as an extra activity since it is motivating for him.

Reading biographies about famous inventors and scientists who persevered and struggled with defeat before finally accomplishing their goals are also very helpful for encouraging perseverance and resilience in kids. In addition, you, his parents, are important role models for him. You can share stories of times in your own childhoods when you learned from mistakes or overcame challenging problems.

For free newsletters or articles entitled What's Wrong With Perfect?, and/or Learning to Cope With Competition, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.