Q: How do we keep a united front if one partner feels that the other is reacting out of anger? How do you get an overly eager child to contain his enthusiasm and not disrupt the class?

A: Although it's unfair of me to jump to conclusions without knowing much about your son's problems, I can tell you that your lack of being united with your partner and your overly eager child's disruptions could be connected. They are both related to learning to cope with adult-set boundaries. Let me tie the two together so you can better understand the possible relationship.

First, please understand that I don't want to condone any parent's constant anger at a child, but I do believe it's healthy and normal for a child to experience occasional anger from a parent. Some anger is a healthy and normal response under appropriate circumstances. If a child is never exposed to parent anger, he will certainly overreact to it in the larger world of adults when he hears a person becoming angry and will personalize it as a more serious problem. If you believe that your partner is reacting out of anger, why not remind your son that if he does what his dad asks him to do the first time, his dad won't need to get angry at him. His dad's anger will only accelerate if each time he becomes angry, you correct your husband in front of his son. Your son will fear his dad but ignore him, particularly when he's angry, only causing his dad more frustration and anger. Thus, once your son develops the power to disregard his dad's expectations, he's likely to generalize this to ignoring boundaries and expectations by you and his teachers. I hope you can see the connection.

I do want to encourage you to value your son's eagerness and enthusiasm for speaking up, but you also want to teach him consideration for others. You could suggest he keep paper and a pen on his desk, and if he has to hold his enthusiastic thoughts until a different time, he can jot down a few notes so that he doesn't forget what he wanted to contribute. He can postpone that contribution to an appropriate time or disregard it if he no longer thinks it's relevant. Either way, that will help him to be respectful of others who also wish to contribute. If he continues to be disruptive, he could earn a reputation for being a difficult child, and it would be better for him to keep his persona as one of positive enthusiasm.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.