Q: I'm an elementary grade teacher and also a new wife and stepmom. I'm starting to notice some bossy traits in my stepdaughter. She just turned 11-years-old, and I'm concerned about her friend-making abilities. It seems that she'd rather be with both sets of parents than other children. She can be very bossy toward adults, and as her stepmom, I seem to be the main target. How can I help her understand that situations aren't always all about her? Please help me with this sticky situation.

A: It takes time for most children to adjust to a new stepmother. As an only child who no doubt lived with her mother alone for a while, she was likely treated in a somewhat adult fashion. Please don't read this as a criticism of her mother because I obviously don't know, at all, how her mom parented her. I'm only guessing at the scenario that often happens when a single and lonely mom lives alone with a very loved and only daughter. Often, the child gets too many choices and becomes accustomed to being in charge. Your stepdaughter may only be relating to you as she does her mother with a little added anger at you for taking her father.

Here are a few suggestions you might find helpful to build a better relationship with your stepdaughter and also teach her social skills:

— Plan some one-on-one fun experiences with her such as hiking, shopping, going out to eat, playing games or going to a movie with her alone. Be sure to keep the experiences light with plenty of laughter.

— Suggest she invite one of her friends from school for an overnight. Help her make it a fun night by suggesting a few activities. Baking cookies, getting involved in an art project or making up a scavenger hunt could be possibilities. They may have their own good suggestions. Give them plenty of space, but be sure to observe their interaction so you can decide if your stepdaughter is really as bossy as you think.

— Explain to your stepdaughter that bossiness is very close to leadership and if she can just finesse a few techniques, she'll probably become a good leader with her friends. For example, she may have good ideas for activities, but a good friend needs to listen to other people's ideas too and take them into consideration. Also in leading others, rather than bossing them, she should give other people a turn at being the leader.

— One of the most important, but not the easiest, things you can do to bond with your stepdaughter is to say nice things about her mother. There's no doubt that stepdaughters assume that mothers and stepmothers don't like each other, and when it comes to taking sides, they'll naturally usually side with their mother.

For a free newsletter about "Growing Up Too Fast" (Rodale, 2005), presenting a united front or parenting after divorce, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.