Q. I have three nephews age 10, 8 and 5, and a niece age 2. I enjoy spending time with them every now and then, but I can't tolerate any meals with them. It's too gross.

When we get to the table, my sister and her husband refuse to put the 2-year-old in a high chair, so they have to hold her or steady her on a seat. She cries and screams during the whole meal. Her parents don't cut her food into small pieces but give her a massive chunk of chicken, which she'll play with and get on the wall. If you try to take it from her, she'll cry and scream some more.

The 8-year-old screams and whines when he can't eat all the food on his plate (because his dad overloads him with excessive portions and expects him to eat all of it). The 10-year-old complains about the texture or color of the food and refuses to eat it. Then he and his father will get into an argument about it.

I'll stay out of the whole thing, politely eat my food, and wonder why my sister and brother-in-law can't keep their kids in order (or feed them earlier).

I'm not a "kids should be seen and not heard" person, but when we're eating dinner at 6 pm I'd rather be having discussions with the grown-ups and not listen to the whining and screaming of the kids or the droning of the dad. I remember family meals when I was 3, 8 and 10 years old, and they were never like these.

However, it's not like this when we have outdoor barbeques in the summer. Maybe the late sun and the outdoors are easier on the kids? Do you have any suggestions as to how I can make family dinners more pleasant? I can't criticize my brother-in-law, because if I do, he won't let his kids visit my parents anymore (he doesn't take criticism well).

A. Because you'll only alienate your brother-in-law if you make suggestions to either your sister or to him, don't make any. Hopefully, they, too, will tire of the mess they call family dinner and change appropriately. If you're looking for time to chat with your sister's family, you could stop by for dessert and coffee when the kids have already left the table or, at least, you can join them for barbeques.

If your sister asks you for help because she's concerned, you'll get your opportunity to recommend a high chair, cutting the food up and serving smaller portions. If you need a book to back up your suggestions, there's a section on eating routines and avoiding food battles in my book "How to Parent So Children Will Learn" (Great Potential Press, 2008) that could be helpful to the family.

Your relationship with your family is too important to risk alienating them. They have a different approach to parenting than you do, but unless they ask for help, bite your tongue and enjoy the children by playing games with them instead of eating meals together.

For a free newsletter about do's and don'ts for aunts and uncles, send a large, self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094, or visit www.sylviarimm.com for more parenting information.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.