Q: I have a problem that has dominated my adult life and don't know how to handle it. My parents were simple, hardworking people who did the best they could for their four children. If my brother and sisters were unrelated to me, I would have nothing to do with them. My brother's very skilled at sensing when people are vulnerable and taking advantage of their trust, and he's financially very comfortable today, based in large part on his subtle ruthlessness.

One of my sisters is an alcoholic and was an emotionally abusive, neglectful mother. Two of her five children are dead, apparently through the effects of substance abuse and low self-esteem that left them vulnerable. A third is on disability for the same reasons and his medical condition is fragile. Yet my sister is argumentative and aggressively confrontational. She has a slew of ex-friends and ex-husbands.

My oldest sister is just like my brother but lacks the skill to have become financially well off. Like my brother, she attempted to take advantage of her own child, but unlike him, it didn't work.

I've spent my adult life looking to various spiritual and religious sources to somehow put this in perspective and to avoid being like them. I don't understand how this happened and now find my sister — who is lonely and much older than I — wants me to spend time with her while she denounces her son, parents and everyone else. I want some peace. I don't want to run from family obligations, but neither do I want to listen to this meanness. Thank you.

A: You've probably heard from childhood that you can choose your friends but not your family. I'm sorry that none of your siblings are truly your friends. I do agree that we have family obligations and surely your sister's call for help needs a response, regardless of her messed up life. I doubt if she'd be interested in sharing your spiritual and religious sources, but you could offer that opportunity to her in case she's ready to look at life differently.

It certainly isn't fair to you to have your sister cloud your already happy life on a regular basis. Perhaps there's a compromise you could make by visiting with her once or so a week. You could go out for a meal and a movie or a walk and try to avoid her negative conversation by focusing on other more upbeat topics. She could feel your regular support and love without pulling you into the mire that has become her life. If she appreciates that relationship, it would be more than worth it to you because you could feel you're making a real contribution to her life. If she doesn't seem to appreciate the weekly togetherness, you could gradually arrange to be busy with other activities for at least part of the time.

It's unlikely that you'll be able to help your siblings to change their lives to fit with your values but being there at least a little for them if they're in need is a reasonable contribution to holding on to family love.

For a free newsletter about relating with aunts, uncles and cousins and other relatives, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.